A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so here is the deal, I am twenty years old i have been dating my boyfrinend for four years we are perfect together. We were sixteen when we started dating and i am now twenty he is also, He is very shy my parents lie to me and tell me that they love him and than they turn around and tell other people they hate him and how he is such a bad person and i moved away to be close to him while he is in college and we do not live together but we live close and my paretns wont leave it alone that he is a terriable influence on me and always saying bad things to other people and they told my roommates mom that they will do anything to break us up. I have tried to talk to them about this but they wont listen they just tell me that they love him. I dont know what to do my boyfrined has made an effort to get to know them but its not good enough for them.
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 Choosing between your parents and your boyfriend is never easy. You love them both.
Have you asked them exactly what it is that they don't like about him? If at all possible, make them write a list of all the things that they don't like about them. If they did not want to write a list, you just ask them the questions, then you write down the answers. You know, like what you do when you are in school and listening to your teachers's lessons.
Then you take a deep breath and look at the list. If it looks like a "grocery shopping" list, you know, listing all detailed items, what you can do is look at the list to see if you can put them in "category". For instance, "mannerism", "hygiene", "fashion sense", "belief system/religion", "possessive", and so forth.
Then you take another deep breath, and think about your boyfriend. Think as an outsider looking in. Don't think like a girlfriend defending her b/f, but think like a best friend who wants the best for him. Is he at all like in the list? No? A little bit? Most of it? By doing this, you may already be unravelling the issues and beginning to see what is really bothering your parents.
From there, you can start talking to your b/f about these qualities that your parents see in him. Discuss it with him. Is there anything you and him can and would like to do, to work toward out the differences in perception between him and your parents? Lets see if this approach works for you.
Since I don't know what your parents objections are against your boyfriend, perhaps as parents they saw that you are sooo attached to your b/f and that you thought more about having a family with him now instead of focusing on your education? At the same time, they also do not want to hurt your feelings by telling you so, because they know it would upset you?
Sometimes, when parents get angry, they cannot or do not say what they really mean. So instead of saying "I don't want you to focus all your energy on him because I know you are so talented and you have so much potentials, so right now you should be focusing on your education so you can have a better career than we did", they ended up saying "He is a bad influence on you".
Your parents love you. There is no doubt in that.
Hope you will be able to resolve this soon.
Cat
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