A
female
age
30-35,
*enny2323
writes:Hello,I posted on here a few times about a breakup but now I have another problem, my parents. I’m sorry this is long. They are very young and very strict. They have always made me feel horrible about any decision I have made in my life for as long as I can remember. They are perfectionists and I am clearly not. I do not like to go to my parents for anything because I feel they always turn it around on me and make me feel irresponsible. My parents and I have bumped heads so many times and I got tired of feeling like Cinderella. I am the oldest of 4 and during high school my sisters were 4 and 1. I had to babysit all the time, clean every single night, pick up after everyone. I did not have a social life and I was miserable. I figured going to college would give me a little freedom. NO.Just today my parents and I got into a heated argument where they made me feel yet again stupid and irresponsible for a simple mistake. My second year of college is coming to an end and I have a job so I can finally stay here for the summer. I worked very hard to get this job and got very lucky. It took me 9 months to find a job without a car and having to get rides from others. I told my parents a car would really help so I could search farther away from campus for a job but they still refused to give me the third car they have sitting in the garage and is completely paid off. Anyway, I found a job across the street from my apartments and I love it. The problem is I have a short term lease on my apartment and I needed to find roommates I can stay with for the summer and I did. Assuming I could move in to the new apartment as of June 1st I was told by the office people that I could not move until august and would have to move out of my apartment on May 31st. I made it quite clear to the office I needed to stay for the summer and a huge miscommunication has erupted arguments with my parents. I had a backup plan to live in my ex boyfriend's room who had moved out a month ago because it would be cheaper and much easier than going through the hassle with the office. My mother says she is not comfortable with me moving in the apartment with a guy. I knew this would be her excuse and reason. I asked her what is the big deal and she gave me attitude and said it is not right I live with the opposite sex. I undertand this but I had a boyfriend for a year and half, did she really think I never stayed at his apartment?I tell her "I am not 15 yrs old anymore and not a child, I am 20 yrs old" and before I could get anything else out both of my parents erupted at me. Screaming at the top of their lungs they cannot believe I just said that and how (profane)disrespectful I am. I have no plans to do anything with the roommate of my ex, I find him repulsive and I have known him for over a year. My parents say if I go through with this they will not help me with school or a loan. All I was trying to do was find a place to stay for cheaper and create as little conflict as possible. They turned something so small into a huge problem, saying I had been planning this for months because I wanted to move in with my ex and party and be free and forget college. That has never been my motive, I was looking out for our best interest so I wouldn’t have to worry about paying for an expensive room and ask them for money. I do not party, I do not have a social life and for my mom to yell that at me made me very upset. They do not know half the things I have gone through this year and will never know because of stupid things like this and I feel I cannot tell them anything. Now I have nowhere to live for the summer because my ex’s apartment is out of the question and my parents want to put me with a friend’s cousin they have living near me. That is strange and very uncomfortable to live with someone I do not know because my parents do not want me living with a man. Once again I am twenty, not fifteen. They claim this apartment is too far when it is close enough for me to ride my bike but they want to stick me with a random family who do not live remotely close to the school or my job. How does this make any sense? How is this at all fair they can keep running my life although I am an adult? If I did not need their help with a loan I wouldn’t have them in my life. They cause too much stress and anger with me when I do not need it. Note I am not at all a spoiled person, I never have been spoiled. I appreciate the things I have in life and a loving family but when they go this far to continue to control me I wonder if they will keep telling me what to do until I’m well into my thirties. I never get the chance to do anything on my own because they are constantly on me the minute they smell disobedience. I respect my parents but I should not be treated as I was in high school. I am not a child and I shouldn’t have to listen to them If I want to live somewhere. I am very much intimidated by my parents and I feel as if every time I talk to them I make a mistake. I cannot stand them anymore and I don’t know what to do. How can I finally get free of their claws, even a little and have some breathing room? How do I even approach them about anything?
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a break, cheap, cousin, her ex, money, moved out, my ex, roommate Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (9 May 2010):
The only thing I can say that will not seem that helpful is to be patient as the issue will pass! That is a fact and a process that occurs within our lives and heads all the time. We continually consider what is jappening to us. In 2-3 weeks this will all seem so different.It is alright as well to feel pissed off at the moment that is the way we so often deal with things tears and dispair but it will get much better.Please just give it time and do not lose sight that your parents love you and want control because they fear losing you in the end which will happen regardless.Put some slap on ring a friend and go out today OK. I love you as well as so many other people on here, you are not alone.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Thanks for your update and I am very sorry that you are going through a very hard time.
You are never alone . There is God who is besides you, if you allow Him to enter into your life.
Call upon Him and pray and give Him your heavy burdens.He will let you see things from another perspective .
Your parents do love you in their own ways or they would not have bothered about you . They want the best for you and want to protect you .
It may not be to your likings and unless you can convince them to follow your way, there is no other alternative except to do as they says.
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A
female
reader, Jenny2323 +, writes (8 May 2010):
Jenny2323 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have had the hardest two weeks so far, my boyfriend leaving me and having no one to help me get through. All I do is sit in my room and dwell on things and my parents are the last people I want to deal with. I am seriously miserable and lonely and I have no idea what to do...things have fell apart in a matter of 3 weeks and I dont know if i can even handle any of this anymore.
All I want is my parents to cooperate with me and let me do things the way I would like for a change. This apartment business could have avoided so much conflict but because they want it their way it has become a huge problem I do not need in my life right now. I wish I could cut all ties with my parents...I hate saying that but I wish I could..
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): i was in a similar situation. But wat i did was drastic. I moved to the other side of the country. I still ask my mum for help here and there. with the whole situation ur in im just confused at how ur parents r acting.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 May 2010):
 Ask them. "When are you actually going to be on my side?" Then when they get done ranting and raving about how they help here and there and everywhere, and you can speak again, just say, "I mean emotionally." Get up then and walk out. It's not manipulation, but it is a way to get the to begin thinking. At that moment they, if paying any attention, will recognize the difference between what they have been saying and what emotional support means.
What's going on here is that they want the best for you, while simultaneously destroying you abilities to succeed the best you can. Reading your plane, I felt was well thought out, doable and makes sense. I would also ask that when you talk and they don't disagree, why can't they just say they disagree, here is why they do, without starting an argument.
I don't know. I'd recommend finding a way to break through their "abnormal" attack like behavior. It may not be easy to do. They sound like if you looked in a dictionary under "wound tight" you'd see your parents picture. If you have to, tell them how you feel by letter. Doing so, they can't look at you and yell while reading it. In the letter, you'd also want to praise them for wanting the best for you. Tell the how that is appreciated, but these other ares must be taken into consideration. You don't want them to feel respected by this, but you want them to accurately see how you feel.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (8 May 2010):
I am very sorry about your status in your family. I am afraid that being an adult has got nothing to do with your parents.
They do not think that you are an adult because you still need them for your needs and wants.
You have to live by their rules when you are still under them.
You are only a real adult when you work and is financially independent of your parents . You can do whatever you want when you do not depend on your parents anymore.
In the meantime, you need to bear with them a little longer , be patient ,until you finished your education and get a job and moved out from that place.
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A
male
reader, Brunel +, writes (8 May 2010):
Well dear jenny this is a touch awkward in that if they finance you I fear you are trapped. There actions are bad and I think that you are very upset by all mof this which does not come across in your text .
What I find strange is that you come across to me as intelligent articulate and a person that gets on with her life. There seems to be no justification in their feelings toward you.
I guess it amy have to do with the fact that in the next few years they will have to face up t losing you anyway when you move out? My son is 20 just this week and has just completed his first year at university at the other end of the Uk and just before he left my wife of 30 years also left so it was a difficulot time for us both but I have left him on his own and have to fully fund him, there are no summer jobs. To me that is tthe expectation and commitment you have to your kids and likewise tha ability to let tahm get on with things and trust their judgement - to that extent their actions are unacceptable to me?
That said if they financially support you what can you do. It is unfair and stressful to you to be directed when you have been so mature in working out so much yourself.
You can always buy a ticket to LHR and elope with me you would get on well with my 24 year old daughter?
No need for that I think you must just make the best of it for now and let the matter die a natural death! Good luck?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): I really have no idea how to deal with your parents, in fact my only salvation was to live on my own.
I hate to be pessimistic but in my case and many of my friends, parents rarely change and yours don't seem like the type that will ever change. They will continue to use you and control you as they see fit.
My only guess to have some kind of temporary fix would be to have some sort of authority figure explain to them your problem. I'm sure they care more about what other people think rather than their own daughter anyway.
Good luck to you, I wish I could help u more but I can't.
Hoping one day you are free.
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