A
male
age
36-40,
*apthx
writes:So i've been doing the long distance thing for a little while now. For over a year now things have been going great. She defiantly isnt my first, but probably the first person ive ever cared about so passionately. I've been in a lot of rocky relationships in the past, and its caused me to have some trust issues. We usually got over the little fits of paranoia that occured every now and then, and she really helped me get through some rough times. The past month has been different, however. I find myself getting paranoid over every little thing she does. She is the type of girl that hangs out with more guys than girls, and she is a little flirty when it comes to talking to her friends, but she says she doesnt even realize shes doing it, and that it doesnt matter anyways because she is with me. I barraged her with unnecessary questions at first, and she started getting really irritated, and her behavior towards me has changed for the worse, making me feel really distant. She keeps telling me it feels like im pushing her away when im not actually trying to. She said shes been under a lot of stress lately and she just cant be affectionate with everything thats going on. She told me she needs some time, and i keep trying to give it to her but at times i feel like it isnt really helping. She tells me im the one whos been acting different as well, but its hard for me to see how, and its even more difficult for me to try and revert back to how i was. Now,i found out shes been talking to this guy. This guy has had a crush on her for a while(Long distance as well, we played the same game together)and when he found out ive been going out to see her every month he went into a jealous rage and started talking all this crap about me. We talked it over and she said she didnt really want to talk to the guy anymore because of how he was acting. I come to find out a few days ago that she still talks to him, but claims its only every once in a while. It throws me off because shes always talking crap about him to me, so i dont know what to make of it. I guess my questions would be - Do i just need to give her time? Would showing her that i really do trust her save this relationship, or is she only here because shes afraid of hurting me. Also, before i even bring up this other guy shes been talking to, im wondering if its even a good idea to mention it, or just get over it on my own.
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male
reader, Capthx +, writes (17 September 2010):
Capthx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've already started working on relationships with my family, which is something she has been pushing me to do for quite some time now. I have an appointment scheduled to see a doctor sometime next week to maybe look into some form of medication that can help balance out some of these issues i have, and im going to see if the doctor can recommend me a decent therapist to go see.
My brother actually gave me some really good advice, He said its only going to make the situation worse if i continue to text her, send her messages, and continue to bother her while she is in this state. He told me every time i feel like saying something to her, to just write it down or text it to myself, give it some time, then read over it and see if thats how I really feel when/if she does talk to me again.
I've continued to stay optimistic about it. I mean when things came crashing down i told her i couldnt talk to her anymore and that id block her on our messengers and not accept her calls if she called me, and then proceeded to block her. I unblocked her the next day and harassed her with messages saying this isnt what i want and that i could still be friends but she never got back to me, she just signed off, then signed back on later. I guess i should look at it in a positive way that she hasn't blocked me yet, which means she has faith in me that ill stop depending on her so much to help me get over this. And that she will talk to me again.
Im going to continue to hope that maybe after she has taken some time to really think about this, the things she said were because she was in pain, and not what she ultimately wanted. But i guess all i can do at this point is hope for the best and change myself for future relationships if this doesnt work out.
A
male
reader, jimrich +, writes (16 September 2010):
re: its up to me now to help myself.
... That's about it in a nutshell! So what are you going to do about your self. You mention, waiting and changing, etc. but nothing concrete or definitive. Are you going to go into counseling, therapy, a Codependency support group, religion....what? Or are you just going to trust on blind luck that you will somehow miraculously 'change' and that will sweep her off her feet?
Re: I guess my next question would be wither or not im wasting my time trying to be optimistic about all of this.
.... I'd say that optimism is always warranted in most any situation. I tried to be 'optimistic' with my first wife BUT she was not ever going to change anything about her self SO I LEFT! After I had fixed my paranoia, it seemed insane to stay in an ugly, unhappy relationship. Now I am in a good marriage with another recovered/healed person.
Good luck healing your mind and emotions.......it's worth the effort!
Jim
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A
male
reader, Capthx +, writes (15 September 2010):
Capthx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell im not sure if this is still open or not, or wither or not i will still get responses. But she has left me. She said all of the arguments, jealousy, and paranoia have made her unhappy over the past few weeks, and she doesn't want the relationship anymore. The worst part about dealing with it is knowing that its all my fault. That if i wouldnt have continuously pushed her in the wrong direction that things would have stayed the same and we both could have been happy together.
She told me that i need to fix myself before i try to get involved, and that she has tried and given me so many chances over the past year that she just cant do it anymore. I'm trying to remain optimistic about the situation. I'm hoping that maybe after some time, and if she has seen that i really have changed for the better that we may have another shot at what we had together. But when the break up actually happened it was pretty rough. I got desperate, lashed out, tried my absolute hardest for her to see it my way and to give me one last chance. All she could tell me is that shes done giving me chances, that she is unhappy and that its up to me now to help myself. She said she wanted to stay friends because she treasured the memories we had, but at the time i told her thats not what i wanted, and that the mere thought of her being with someone else would crush me. I changed my mind since then, and left her a few messages saying that i want to try and continue the relationship as a friendship, but i havent heard back from her yet.
I guess my next question would be wither or not im wasting my time trying to be optimistic about all of this. If anyone has ever been in a similar situation, i think it would be a great help to assist me in getting this huge burden off my shoulders, and i appreciate all of the responses ive gotten so far.
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A
male
reader, jimrich +, writes (13 September 2010):
re: Would showing her that i really do trust her save this relationship
... Yes that would help but it might take a little more than that and I'd suggest you google: relationship tips and get started learning how to make a good one.
Re: paranoia
... What you describe seems more like low/bad self esteem/worth to me and you can easily repair or raise yours...google: self esteem training and get started boosting yours.
good luck
JIm
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): bro i am going through the exact same thing you are right now!!! no shit, exactly the same, all i have to say is, ease back a little, let her do her thing, think of it this way, she is with you, you guys are in a LDR, thats all that matters, trust in that, if she didnt want you, she wouldnt be with you, kapish. now in saying that,i have been goinng through same thing this week with my girl, just my parnoia, i dont think she understands that all i want is her, but if things go wrong and she leaves me, i am ready to accept it and move on. That is life, goodluck my freind, play it cool..
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