A
male
age
30-35,
*ommandoDude
writes:I'm not sure what to do about my relationship with my dad. About a year ago, December 28 2009, I tried to take a flight to see my LDR girlfriend, whom I still have a strong healthy relationship with. The problem was that my parents didn't approve, even though I am (And was at the time) a legal adult and was paying for everything using my own money. When my Mom found out she called my Dad and he came over in a rage and started yelling at me. I was yelling. Then he got up and attacked me. I called the cops of course.Since then I haven't spoken to him. I did have to interact with him during my Eagle Court in January, but no speaking.On his birthday, I sent him a card detailing why I felt that he was wrong. And I told him that it was not just the incident in December why I was not speaking with him, but merely the last straw. He's done things for years that I've resented, hitting me whenever I curse, even casually just around him, or when he gets really mad, verbally abusing me, or threatening me with (non-physical) punishments until I've cried, used guilt to manipulate my decisions. I told him that I was not going to speak with him if he wasn't going to apologize for those things and change himself. (He did send me an apology for what happened in December, but it felt more like a cop out not an apology, I mentioned that in the card).Of course, I read his Facebook and he basically scoffed the card, calling me an idiot teenager. His mom (my grandma) called it 'Cruel' (I don't think she read it).To be perfectly honest, I don't mind that I don't speak with my Dad, in fact. I'm glad that I don't because I don't have to put up with his bs. But, well, two things happened.One, he starts appearing in my dreams (More like nightmares when he's in them). The most of what I can remember was that they were unpleasant.Two, he recently sent me a card on my birthday. Which honestly felt insulting because it seemed to insinuate that I was being stubborn, or in the wrong, and that I should make some effort to reach out to him. It also contained money, which felt like a bribe, or more emotional manipulation (I take money - I should feel more grateful to him.) I don't know what to do. I don't want to make amends, I'm perfectly fine with not talking to him. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I also want to make him stop appearing in my dreams.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 I've heard that dreams can be signs of unresolved issues in our lives. That certainly would fit here.
Our culture leads us to expect that families will be a certain way -- that your parents will be wise, loving and supportive. All too often that doesn't happen, and we assume it's our fault. But the fact of the matter is that every parent is a human being with failings and weaknesses. Part of our job as adults is coming to terms with that, and deciding how we're going to deal with it. All adults have the power (and the responsibility) to decide how they're going to deal with other adults. That decision is more emotionally fraught with parents, but it still has to be done.
You're saying that your father's apology about that one incident was pro forma, and that he's not acknowledging your perspective on the relationship more globally. Your feeling that way is perfectly valid. If interacting with him does not make your life better at this point, then not interacting is a perfectly reasonable response.
My caution to you, though, is to be aware that such rifts can become harder to deal with as time goes by, and that the estrangement can become permanent. You and your father will only both share the planet for a finite amount of time. My advice is to conduct the relationship so that, if he's hit by the proverbial bus, you don't end up with regrets you no longer have the chance to deal with.
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