A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:I'm frozen with inaction. I'm in a relationship that I hope will lead to marriage, but at this point (1 year), it's too early to be sure. I have always been fairly independent but I'm tired and lonely taking care of myself. I want certainty that I'll have this companionship for life and that we will take care of each other. I feel that if I knew for sure what would happen, I would know better how to take action. We had someone come to work to discuss 401Ks this morning and it totally overwhelmed me to think that far into the future. I know I need to continue to take care of myself, but I really don't want to do this alone anymore. I'm also afraid that if this relationship doesn't continue through to marriage that it'll be too late to find someone else (I don't have kids, but don't necessarily need them so that's not an issue). I know in my head that I can never know any of this for sure and that whatever is going to happen in life will happen, completely out of my control. But today, any encouragement is greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): what do you mean by "taking care of yourself" which you feel tired of doing and want to have a partner to do for you or with you?Do you mean that you want to get married so that you can stop working a full time job? Do you mean that you want someone to split the house chores with?Do you mean you want someone to help you pay the bills because you're having problems financially now?You say you're lonely - but you already have a boyfriend, and I assume you have friends too. if he were to marry you now, how does that change who he is to you, that you're not currently happy with?There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married. There are many good reasons to get married. But there are also not so good reasons. Dissatisfaction with your current life is not a good reason. Being tired of taking care of yourself (whatever that means) is also not a good reason. Why? because if you get married for these negative reasons you're going into the marriage placing a huge burden of expectation and responsibility on the other person to turn your life around and make it better. It becomes the other person's job to make sure you're OK or to get you out of your present rut. That's unfair and could lead to a lot of resentment on his part as well as disappointments for you. you should enter into marriage from a happy place, not from a place of desperation or despair. marriage makes an already happy life happier. but it doesn't make an unhappy life situation better magically (it may give the illusion of it temporarily but then will inevitably disappoint.)maybe what you are looking for is not a marriage, but just some relief from a boring/stressful job or getting into a rut in your life. it sounds like you need to rejuvenate yourself so you can continue to take care of yourself well and enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend the way it is and let things develop naturally. then if and when you do get married, you can have the luxury of doing it for better reasons and thus have a higher chance that the marriage will last.you want assurances that this relationship will last - that's understandable but not realistic. No one can predict the future. Turning this relationship into a marriage does not guarantee anything. Married people do get divorced 1, 10, 20 or more years into their marriages. And this is despite the vows they made to each other at one point in time. All you can do is to assume that your relationship will last, and base your future plans on that. And then live your life according to that assumption. If things ever change and your relationship ends in the future, you will know when it happens. But until then, don't worry about it. Cross that bridge if you get there.
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (14 October 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question I know. I've thought about all the possible outcome--and THAT'S the problem. I guess I worry too much about the future. I can't expect him to "save" me. I DO love him. I do wonder sometimes about our compatibility (there is one major difference that could make or break us). But at this point I can't imagine my life without him. We seem to hold eachother up. And I've got a Masters degree and a good job, so if I just persevere I guess I'll be ok. Even if it all bottoms out, I'll be ok. I just needed some encouragement and insight on it today. Thank you so much!
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I completely agree with Denise.It is unrealistic to expect your 1 yr relationship to be ready to go forward into marriage at this point.It is also unrealistic at your age to expect someone to take care of you the rest of your life. There are no guarantees (the certaintity you are looking for) for marriages to be "for life".You are looking for a marriage of convienience to relieve your fears of the future and financial burden. This is no reason to get married.You fail to mention how you feel about this man, if you are compatible for the commitment of marriage. Instead you are focused on your needs. That is never a good foundation for marriage.Kudos on sitting down with a financial advisor to address your 401K! While it CAN be overwhelming to think about your future financial well-being it is crucial you do so with the idea of thinking about ONE income. What if there is an accident or death of your potential spouse? He would no longer have the ability to provide for the two of you.Keep your skills current in your field of employment. Keep your work interesting so it is not depressing to think about being in that job for 30+years. Keep the issue of lifelong companionship and finances seperate. Is it too late to find someone else? You state you are in the 36-40 range. Even if you were OLDER, no it is not too late. My Mom found her true love at 55! I am starting life over at 42 and do not feel my options are up or my life is over. You still have TONS of opportunity for a wonderful life, a wonderful marriage, etc.Consider that approaching your boyfriend at this time with a goal to get married because you are overwhelmed with the future might send him running. Imagine the two of you with NO bank accounts and totally destitute. Would you still be glad he was there? Make sure you are with him for the right reasons and not just as an opportunity to invest in your life.DO NOT give up your independance. It actually makes you MORE attractive and dependable to your companion.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Well, a year is still early, but it's not TOO early to talk to your signifcant other and see what his thoughts are regarding a possible future together, as well as express your own hopes - WITHOUT coming across as over-anxious and giving him the impression that you're tired of taking care of yourself.
Don't you have ANY faint idea of how he feels about you at this point?
I wish you all the best, but keep in mind that you need to continue to take responsibility for your life, whether with a husband or without. Nothing in life is certain, you know!
In another year, if it doesn't work out, and you're 41, that is certain NOT too late to seek another relationship!
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