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female
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*o Jo
writes: I have been dating the same guy for 10 months. We enjoy each other very much but have agreed that it is non-commital relationship. His ex-fiancee left him over a 1 1/2 years ago. She showed up unanounced on Father's Day and announced that she wants them to go to counseling to see if they can get back together on the advice of her therapist. She broke off the relationship several times in the 3 year relationship. He agreed to go to counseling on a week to week basis. He has told me that he is doing this for her and that he doesn't think that they will get back together. Our relationship is on hold in the meantime. He calls a couple of times a weeek. They had a second session last night. Any advice?
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female
reader, Jo Jo +, writes (16 July 2005):
Thanks for all the advise. He called and told me that he showed her the door. She was back to the same behavior that he calls "relationship shutdown". One week she can't get enough of you the next she doesn't want you to even look at her. He feels closure now. This situation as made us discuss issues that we hadn't in the past. I think that our relationship benefited from this whole situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2005): I totally and wholeheartedly agree with all the advice given here. If he has children with the ex, unfortunately for you, this type of behaviour is very common. It seems he had a lot of unfinished business with his ex and you may have been the victim of a delayed "rebound relationship". This is when a person becomes overly quick to find someone new, after having experienced an upsetting breakup. They find someone to fill the gap left by another. Your boyfriend maybe should have waited to be over his feelings before dating you. But whatever his reason is, it is a selfish reason, one that is based on serving only his self esteem and satisfying feeling of his personal worth. My advice..don't sit around waiting for him to decide who the better woman is. You did say it was a non-commital relationship..so make a clean break and move on to a happier place. As it seems you care for him deeply, moving ahead maybe painful at first but at least you walk away with your self-respect intact. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2005): Is there any particular reason why he cannot cut the ties with his ex fiancee? Are there children involved?What kind of power does this woman have over him that means every time she clicks his fingers, he goes running back to her? Would you really want to have a future with a man who's liable to go off the rails and be unpredictable without any given reason?As Becky rightly points out, he isn't responsible for his ex fiancee any more. It sounds as though he's actually giving her another chance whilst keeping you in reserve as second choice if it doesn't work out!If he had any respect for you at all, he wouldn't have even entertained the idea of returning to a relationship with his ex. His behaviour is despicable, but as long as you allow it to continue he will treat you as a doormat. For your own self-respect end the arrangement you have with this man. It will hurt for a while, but at least you will salvage some dignity and regain some control over your life. Good luck
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reader, becky05 +, writes (15 July 2005):
Tell him NOW that this must STOP! hes not responsible for his ex any more. If he continues to go to the counselling, personally, i would end the relationship as this shows he has no respect for you.
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A
female
reader, angelina +, writes (15 July 2005):
I suspect he is stringing you along. I wouldn't believe him that he is only doing the counseling for her. Is she blackmailing him or something? He could just say no. Yet the fact that he is still calling you suggests that either he is confused about who he wants to be with, or he wants to keep you on the back burner for some fun on the side.It sounds like a very bad situation for you. As you have agreed it was a non-commital relationship, it seems like the best thing to do is just to accept it is over and move on. I understand you may have developed deeper feelings for him over the past 10 months, and now want it to be more, but it is pretty rare for casual relationships to turn into something more. I'm sorry to tell you, but a guy tends to lose respect for a girl who is willing to have a non-commital relationship like that. It makes it look like she doesn't think much of herself, she doesn't think she deserves someone to be commited to her.His ex-fiancee may be no better than you, but it sounds like she demands a certain level of respect, and when a woman demands respect, she tends to get it. My suggestion is to take this as a lesson. Non-commital relationships are great for the man, but horrible for the woman. I would tell him to stop calling you unless he is willing to make it work with you, NOT his ex-fiancee. If he says no, tell him not to call you anymore. Then when you start dating again, present yourself as a lady worthy of respect and devotion, don't let a guy push you around, have self-respect, make him work for your affections, and then watch the men fall to their knees offering gifts and jewelry.
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