A
male
age
30-35,
*eroArrow
writes:I know I'm a dick for getting frustrated about this and I know that it's my fault, but I don't know what to do. I consider myself pretty good when it comes to sex. I've only had sex with my girlfriend, but I'm usually able to make her cum like 2 or 3 times a session. The thing is half the time we have sex I don't end up cumming at all. If I do cum it's from oral sex (Not too often) or if it's the first time we've had sex in like a week. She tells me to stop, rolls over and just lies there. This really frustrates me.Other times we have sex she ends up being in pain or she gets nausea and we end up stopping. This also frustrates me, so much so that I go limp and don't even want to look at her. I know it's not her fault, but I can't help how I feel.Last night, I got us a hotel room, we played with sex dice and tried positions from this book that I bought. I thought it was gonna be a great night and hoped that we could have sex until the morning, but instead like an hour into it she said "I feel like I'm gonna be hurting later." I ignored it, and kept going. I told her that I wasn't stopping until she came. Then she said "Since I feel like it's gonna hurt, I'm probably not going to cum." I pulled out and my dick went limp almost immediately. She kept saying "I'm not in pain" after that, but I really wasn't in the mood at all anymore.I try to hold back and not go too deep, but it's really hard and even when I do she still says I'm deep. I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles when we have sex.Is there anything I can do to improve these problems?
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in the mood, limp, oral sex, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Diamondintheruff +, writes (29 February 2012):
 You're deffinatly not alone. My husband and I are kind of in the same rut. Only the roles are switched in my case. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2012):
 You can't help how you feel and she can't help how she feels. Sounds like you are both extremely sensitive now about the topic and she's worried it's going to hurt or cause nausea.
She needs to be examined by her gynecologist in order to determine the cause of her dyspareunia. Here are some links for you to read that might help you comprehend what she is experiencing.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/painfulintercourse.htm
http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/guide/female-pain-during-sex
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspareunia
Perhaps if you begin to perceive this as a medical problem that needs addressing, rather than something she is trying to do to you, you'll be able to cope a bit better and continue to be understanding, while she gets this condition sorted out.
Get her to the doctor ASAP. In the meantime, do not expect her to enjoy intercourse as she is now conditioned that she will feel pain. If you are hitting her cervix, that can really be unpleasant. That's probably what is making her nauseous. No matter what you say to her then, if she's feeling nauseous, she's not into it, and the natural lubrication will have stopped for certain. As for pinning down where the pain originates, she probably can't. Don't blame her for that.
Doctor visit is indicated.
Good luck in getting this solved!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 February 2012):
 You can't discuss this DURING sex....ore even RIGHT BEFORE. I mean you need to sit down on the couch and talk about it at a totally unsexual relaxed time.
What have you two talked about and tried so far?
Has she discussed this with her gynecologist?
the fact that you determine your sexual prowess by how many times you make her cum says you have a lot to learn about sex.
After you have had an orgasm do you want your penis touched? I have never met a man who does... perhaps she asks you to stop because she is sensitive to touch after her orgasms?
Are you using condoms for birth control? Perhaps since you are both virgins you would consider a different method if you are since many times condoms can retard orgasm in men.
"I thought it was gonna be a great night and hoped that we could have sex until the morning,"
so you can't have a great night without having an all night sexual marathon?
If you have never had pain after sexual intercourse I can tell you that it's NOT nice for women. It hurts to sit. It hurts to pee. It hurts to wipe after you pee... IF I knew I was going to have to hurt after sex I would get tense and lose the ability to lubricate... how well lubricated is she? do you add more lube as time goes on to keep her wet?? that could be a big part of the problem...
If she is short barreled (her vaginal length) and you are well endowed you will "hit bottom" when you hit her cervix it moves her uterus, her fallopian tubes and her ovaries...
it's akin to you getting kicked in the balls. IT HURTS...
use different positions that allow her to control the thrusting... female dominant is a good one...
Missionary with her legs together not around you is another...
spooning rear entry (not doggy style) would work
dovetail (scissors) gives her more control as well and you both can see each other and that visual feedback can help.
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A
male
reader, AeroArrow +, writes (16 February 2012):
AeroArrow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must say, it is truly a blessing that I'm not dating you, then.
How do you know I haven't talk to her about this? How is our communication "clearly." Everything I've posted here I've talked to her about except for in a less harsh tone. I even stated that I ask if she's alright during sex all the time, when she's hurt I ask her where the pain and what kind of pain it is, she never gives me a clear answer so I can't research this. What more communication are we missing when it comes to this? Maybe I should have posted this earlier because apparently if I don't post every single little detail, people will just assume the worst.
I'm on here asking for solutions because we haven't come up with one, not because we haven't tried or don't know how to speak to one another.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2012):
Not all your fault but apparently you are sexually mismatched. If you were my partner I would grit my teeth and bear it but I have to be honest more than 5-10 minutes of actual intercourse and I’m done… so not exciting for me…
IF I was having sexual issues with my partner and as a “surprise” he got us a hotel room for an all night sex marathon I’d be dreading it. And it would totally put a damper on how I felt about him outside of the bedroom.
So what’s your goal here… more sex or a better long term relationship?
IF you have been friends with her for six years and dating for two years why are you not discussing this with her?
If the response is that she won’t discuss it then you tell her “well we have to fix this sexual incompatibility or we will never survive as a couple” then you get a full medical work up for her to make sure NOTHING is wrong… and if she checks out medically you find a good couples counselor who works on
a. Communication because clearly there is a problem with that and…
b. The sexual issues.
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A
male
reader, AeroArrow +, writes (16 February 2012):
AeroArrow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo this is all my fault, huh? She cums two or three times most night because it takes me a long time to cum, not because I'm holding it or anything, it just takes a while. I don't pressure her to cum, but that is my goal when I have sex or "make love" (lol, really?). Foreplay is not an issue and when I said "an hout in" I meant including foreplay. We had only had sex for like 15 minutes before she started saying she felt like she might start hurting.When I said "sex until morning" I meant having sex a few times and cuddling and playing with each other the other times. Not one long round. The reason I ignore her is because she's doesn't usually want me to stop when she says stop...I ask "Do you really want me to stop?" and she'll reply "No" 90% of the time. I know when she's being serious and I act appropriately. Changing positions rarely helps. Something that feels good one day will hurt the next. I know I'm gonna get some comment about how "NO ALWAYS MEANS NO!" But with her, that is not true. I've been friends with her for 6 years we've been together for 2...I Know her.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 yea calm things down. dont make orgasm a goal and try doing other things besides sex. Foreplay, kissing, handjobs, titjobs, dont get me going ill go on and on. Heck, spend more time cuddling and making out and do it in crazy places. Dont plan sex, its boring as hell sometimes. Surprise her. Good luck
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (16 February 2012):
Are you training for sex olympics or to make a full feature porn movie? I think your girlfriend may prefer some gentle carressing, nice forplay, and one good orgasm. The best sex rarely happens when you try to plan every move in advance and yes, most women will not have an orgasm when things start to hurt! Try to relex a bit and enjoy all aspects of lovemaking, not just marathon penetration!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): Even if she is very wet when you start, if the sex lasts longer than her natural lubrication it can be really painful. If you want to keep going for an hour at a time you need to stop and use some lube before continuing. And use the lube before your gf's natural lube runs out--if you wait too long she'll be really uncomfortable.
When you say that you hoped you could have sex until the morning, do you mean that you literally wanted to have sex in one long, long all-night session? Ouch ... that's not humanly possible. You do know that when people talk about making love all night they mean multiple times with breaks in between, right?
Also, instead of asking your gf if she's all right and if she's in pain, try asking whether she feels good. And when she clearly states that something is wrong don't just ignore her and keep going! Stop, shift positions, use more lube, do whatever it takes to make her comfortable.
Finally, if you continue to have problems ejaculating you might need to see a doctor.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 February 2012):
Sorry, could you please clarify. Were you saying that you were having penis in vagina intercourse for an hour?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 February 2012):
 Has she been to a gyno? Sex should never hurt and it sounds like arousal isn't the issue here.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 February 2012):
 I suggest that the two of you discontinue "having sex"... and learn how to make love.....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, AeroArrow +, writes (15 February 2012):
AeroArrow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input, but we don't have sex that often and I don't really mention her cumming that often. This was probably one of the only times I mentioned it.
We go to movies, out to eat, museums, and we just chill some days without having sex. So I can say for certain that I don't ask for an unreasonable amount of sex and sex isn't a excessively important factor in our relationship.
I don't think I pressure her, although you could be right about her not wanting sex when I want sex. I did surprise her with the hotel room, but it was Valentine's Day so I thought it would've been nice to have some privacy.
I don't just assume anything with her, it's gotten to the point where I ask "Are you alright?" or "Does this hurt" atleast 10 times during sex.
I doubt foreplay is the issue, she's usually very wet and I'm not THAT big. I'm just like an inch or two above average.
But yeah I'll try to make sure she wants it from now on and try my best to be gentle from the very beginning.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 February 2012):
Hi there. If you have a large penis, well then it could hurt when you are in deep.
That's to be expected.
So perhaps be a little gentler with her, and let her be the guide for you.
Also you might be putting too much pressure on her to have an orgasm to the point where she just says it might hurt or she might be in pain after, just as an excuse not to have sex at all.
Perhaps you are more in the mood for sex than she is, and so she just says yes to please you, so you won't be offended.
You do need to communicate about this.
Tell her what you like and ask her what she likes.
Don't just assume, without asking.
Couples don't always have the exact same sexual desire at the same time.
Your girlfriend will probably feel the most like sex about the middle of her menstrual cycle, which is about day 14, which is the time of ovulation.
If she is on the pill, this could change her sexual desire a fair bit.
In any case, good communication is really important.
Perhaps you both need more foreplay, before going into the sex act. That could make a big difference.
Experiment with what works and what doesn't.
And apart from the sex side of the relationship, do you go out together to places and have fun - non sexual - movies, amusement parks, stuff like that?
If you don't do much outside of having sex, well then perhaps it might be worth considering.
There is so much you can do, and it doesn't have to cost much money.
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (15 February 2012):
 It sounds like this might be a psychological issue that your girl is facing. Many women have problems opening up and enjoying sex because of inhibitions or traumas. She seems to be fearful that you are going to make her hurt. Has she shared anything about her sexual past with you? It could also be a trust issue.As this seems to be more of a mental issue than a physical one, maybe you should focus on getting to know her and her past better. Make sure that she trusts you. Try doing lots of foreplay to get her nice and warmed up before sex. It is definitely frustrating to not get the gratification or reciprocation you're expecting, but the key is communication. Don't just get upset and make her feel pressured when it doesn't feel good to her. Much love and Best wishes
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