A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 6 years and I have 3 beautiful kids. I love her and used to think she did too. However, she just won’t have sex with me. It went downhill after our first baby but that was OK – she just needed time right? Now our youngest is 16 months and I cannot take the rejections anymore. Her excuses range from “tutting” when I make an approach to saying “don’t tease yourself”or simply swatting me away. There are no other problems in our relationship that I am aware of – I am self-employed and make a good wage and we bought a house last year. We cannot even communicate about sex anymore. She just says that she doesn’t feel like it. Even when I don’t pressure her for long periods of time and give her compliments etc etc it still doesn’t work. I even brought her to see her fav band as a surprise and she just fell asleep when we got home. I feel so depressed and detached from her now. I have given up making approaches for sex. I can hardly bear to look at her. It has really affected our relationship to the point where I would leave without a second thought if it wasn’t for the kids. My dad left when I was young and it destroyed my brothers life – he never got over it. I get the feeling that she would be very happy with me gone as long as she has the house and kids. I would be destroyed trying to build my life again by myself. I couldn’t bear not to see my kids every day or to see another man move into “my” home with her and the kids.It makes me so angry that she is ruining everything because she won’t have sex. I am 90% sure that it is over but I would try anything to save our relationship. Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (15 January 2007):
 Hi,
There are always 2 sides to every story, sometimes you dont always see that i admit.
But if you really love this girl, you do need to get some help. Only you know if you are telling the truth, and helping her as much as you can.
Why do you feel the need to stay away all nioght, surely that cant be helping under the circumstance's, no matter how often you do it.
And to your wife, maybe he left the message open for you to see, because he cant talk to you at the moment. Its an easy way to tell someone without facing them.
You seem to have a very low opinion of each other, and im not sure its worth you both trying, if you cant compremise.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): She has needs... you have needs... why dont u both list them and get ur priority straight...
Get help if u guys cannot settle this on your own... think about the kids,about your relationship,the pros and cons, YOUR COMMITMENT... The conflict you guys have right now is bad because you guys are just dissing each other... when you do get help try to stay calm at all time.
hh123
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn not going to retaliate here - simply give an update for anyone that wishes to provide another answer. How my partner can say I give her no respect and call me a loser is beyond me. Sometimes I work very long hours to provide a better life for us. I bring and collect the kids from school nearly every day. Yes, very rarely I go out with my old friends and when I do I ususally stay out with them overnight for old times sake. This only happens once every couple of months. Maybe I wouldnt stay out with them every time if things were OK at home. I do accept blame for that. She doesnt have to ask permission to go out though!! Why she would say that here I dont know. As with regards my "stickin it in her back" she has made it clear that sex during the day is out as the kids are awake so the only time is at night and as our youngest still sleeps in our bed it is difficult. Mostly I am half asleep myself or even awake from sleep automatically trying it on because we dont have sex anyother time and I have needs. I also try and give her kisses and cuddles etc at all times, it is crazy for her to suggest that I only go near her when I am "stickin it in her back". Getting absolutely no response from her after bringin her to see her fav band signalled to me that it was over. I also do understand her grief about lost relatives, I am still coming to terms with my own fathers death. I wish I could do more to help her with her grief. i am not a miracle worker. Its clear that she just doesnt love me anymore as I suspected. Yes, communication is strained at the minute. I dont know if we can talk about this together without professional help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Im the girl that he says has gone of sex
How can you have sex with some one when they dont show you any respect the only reason i myself have not through this loser out is because of are kids
He goes out for a night with his mates and dosent come home for three days Then he dosnt see anything wrong with that
And when he is "making his move" to show he wants sex its usally when im lying sleeping and he just comes up behind me shoving it in my back, hes very romantic like that!
I have to do all the house work and everything involde with looking after the kids and off course im tired at the end off the day im only 26 and i have to ask for permission to go out and when i am allowed i get a call home.
my dad died in September and then my granda in december so needless to say it hasnt been a good time for me and sex is the last thing on my mind. He has showen me no confert at all he say he dosnt understand my grief even though he also lost his fathera the start of last year.
and do you want to now how i found out he wrote this he left it on the computer for me to see. so no he hasnt tried talking over are problem with me just other people
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): No easy answer, I have just come out of a ten year marriage , eight years without sex, I am happier now than I ever was before, my child is happier as well, I didn't want to do it but looking back our relationship was just all compromises on my side, it was crap, life's too short,there is a saying somewhere, ( dont waste your time on someone who isn't prepared to waste their time on you) give and take, if she won't talk about it then its over it's just a matter of time,
Sorry,
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): You really need to find out why she's not interested in having sex. Perhaps you need to start going to therapy for couples and have someone who is trained in dealing with situations like this try to find out what the cause is. You have three children so you've had sex during the last six years, but then again, having three kids in six years is a lot. She may simply be exhausted every day after taking care of the children.
If you really do love her and want to continue to be married to her, you need to seek help in sortng out what the problem is and how you can fix it. Once you get the answer, you can check out my blog at http://newsexrevolution.blogspot.com for more help with keeping things fresh and new.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (11 January 2007):
Hi
I know this is going to sound a bit mad but here goes....
A close male mate of mine and my boyfriends, had exactly the same trouble with his wife. No matter how hard he tried(and believe me he did try), it was the same thing, she did not want to know. He is such a nice guy, and was the most loving and romantic man i think I have ever met. In fact all the girls in our group would say to there other half's "why cant you be like Bob". He's so lovely.
Then one day, he had enough of rejection and met someone else(not ideal I know), but you would never believe the responce from his wife.
All hell broke loose, she was declaring her undying love for him, and desperatly wanted him back.
Unfortunatly for her he does not want to go back, and she pushed to hard.
Im not suggesting you run of and have an affair, but it cant hurt to harden up a bit. Why dont you go stay round a mates one night. Let her worry about you for a change.
Stop pestering her for sex and she will wonder why. And if you have stayed out all night, maybe it will give her something to think about.
I know its all games and you should not have to play them, but its a fact" you never know what you have till it's gone", and what do you have to loose.
Best of luck sweetie XX
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (11 January 2007):
 It sure sounds like you tried. You tried time, you tried taking her out, etc.What I didn't understand from your letter is if you tried talking about it outside of the bedroom? If you tried asking her why her feelings about sex have changed? Have you asked her if she still loves you?There are also a lot of things that affect our appetite for sex: hormones, depression, some women can get hypothyroidism after birth, which will make her tired all the time.You say you are not aware of any other problems in the relationship, but if that was true she wouldn't simply swat you away, she would probably tell you in a nicer way that she wasn't interested.Maybe there's something that she is upset about that you don't know of?Again, try to talk to her if possible. I know it may seem difficult (nobody likes being rejected), but if you can't talk about these things then your relationship is most likely doomed.
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