A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been dating a month at first things were great but one night he got told that his ex cheated on him he was devastated about it he said they broke up in December. After that night he found out things have gotten not so good. Before we started dating he told me that he would commit to me and wouldn't cheat. But since he found out about his ex he's a completely different person we've had a few issues one was I had my friend message him on fb and give him her number well he texted her and I told her to ask if he was single and he said yes that he was. He told me today that since everything has gone down hill since the night he found out his ex cheated on him that we should end things. I asked him why he has changed and he said because he lost focus on everything. He told me that he's scared to get as close to me as he is to my daughter because he's scared that I'll cheat on him and hurt him. I also think that he can be faithful he's just scared that I'll cheat on him and hurt him so maybe he talks and hangout out with other girls in case I ever do cheat on him he'll have another girl there so it won't hurt as bad. I know this sounds crazy and everyone is probably thinking wtf are you with this guy. But it seems like me and him have more things in common than we think. Every guy I've dated has cheated on me and i'm terrified to get cheated on. I could be wrong about all this. But I'm sure I'm a 100% positive I'm right. Before he found out about his ex he would cuddle with me, we would go places, we would do fun things. When he left he would text me, he would send me good morning texts and good night texts. But after he found out about his ex he isn't like that anymore. Could I be right? Is this even fixable, instead of breaking up should we consider counseling?
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I expect he was indeed devastated to learn his ex had cheated while they were an item. How long had it been since that relationship ended and he took up with you?
Another thing: why on earth did you ask your friend to send him a Facebook message and ask if he was single?? That was just asking for trouble. Does he know you put her up to it? If so, I don't blame him for wanting to end it with you!
If your motive was to test him because everyone else you've dated has cheated, then that's no excuse. Maybe you should think more carefully about the men you get involved with.
You have barely known him one month. Back off and let things cool down for a while. PERHAPS he will want to continue with you when he's thought it through. Maybe you will decide you'd rather let it go when you have had time to think about it more rationally.
Finally, I agree with the poster who said counseling is not appropriate in this circumstance. I would add that if YOU decide to seek counseling for yourself to work on your own issues of insecurity and choice of untrustworthy boyfriends, then THAT might be to your benefit.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 March 2013):
 and definitely don't consider counseling. you've only been dating a month.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 March 2013):
i can speak on this from personal experience.
my ex and i broke up in october. i took a couple of months to get over it and moved on. i began dating another girl in december who i'm still with. well just a week ago, i found out that my ex was not faithful and had cheated on me while we were together. i had no idea and it really caught me off guard when i found out. i already have significant trust issues like your boyfriend and so it just upset and disappointed me. but that in NO way affected my relationship with my current. had someone messaged me on facebook and asked if i was single, you better damn well believe i'd say no. i'm still happily off the market with my girl. finding out my ex had cheated in NO way got between her and i at all. why would it?
what's the difference between my situation and yours? I'M OVER MY EX. that's the key factor in this whole thing. you're giving him way too much leeway here. what happened to him in his past has NOTHING to do with your future with him. and using trust as an excuse as to why he can't be with you is just plain horse shit, with all due respect. you can believe what you want OP, as you say you're 100% certain, but take it from a person who was literally JUST in your boyfriends shoes. he can't use that as an excuse for pretending to be single. there's no excuse for that. that's just plain lying.
it really sounds to me like your guy is still very much hung up on his ex. otherwise what she did to him wouldn't matter like it didn't matter to me with my girlfriend. it may disppoint him, sure, which is completely understandable. but it should in no way make him not want to be with you. that's just ridiculous. i would NEVER dump my girl because of something my ex did. don't justify his shitty behavior. he clearly needs time to move on from her. but in the meantime, don't let him treat you this way. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): In my opinion there's only one reason he reacted so badly to finding out his ex cheated on him even though they're not together anymore, and that is because roughly three months isn't enough for him to completely get over her and start his life with someone else yet. It sounds like he was deeply in love with her too, possibly still is.
As for why he told your friend he's single, maybe if he can't handle a committed relationship with you, then no strings fun would be more attractive and easier for him to handle when he needs a woman's company. Either that or he himself is also unfaithful and perhaps its the case that he and his ex split up because he cheated on her too (unless you know factually otherwise why they did split up).
Whatever his reasons for his behaviour, he sounds pretty sure from what you've said about him wanting to end things with you and you may not have much choice but to accept his decision. If it helps, at least this has happened now after just one month and not after some months or even years and things had become more serious with you both, and his bond with your daughter was much stronger.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): This guy hasn't gotten over his past relationship and is dragging a lot of baggage. Don't try to justify his immaturity and miserable way of handling it. Why is he dumping this on you? It's got nothing to do with you.
He broke up with her for whatever reasons, anyway. So what if she cheated? He now has all the more reason to dump her and move on. Now he's dragged you into the middle of it, and you're getting all the crap.
You can be empathetic, but don't be stupid. Let him go. He got a new girlfriend too soon. Get out before you get your heart broken.
Counseling is for married people and long-term relationships. You haven't been together much more than a month.
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