A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:That's basically my situation. I feel like I pretty much have nobody. I'm sure it's partly my fault, but there are other factors that make it difficult for me to really get out there and socialize. For one, I don't even have a car right now (and probably won't any time soon, as I can't afford it), so I can't really go anywhere, and I hate having to rely on constantly getting rides from other people to get to places. But like I said, I'm only making, like, minimum wage, on part time hours, while taking community college classes, and most of my money goes towards helping my mom and dad pay their bills, as they're not a whole lot better off than I am. That's another thing; I feel awkward about going places with friends, because a lot of stuff costs money, and I often worry about how much of it I can throw around. Naturally, for the same reasons, I don't date, either.Sad thing is, I used to feel comfortable confiding this stuff to my parents, especially my mom. But, I've come to find out that my mom isn't the nice wonderful woman I thought she was. I've found out that she's been cheating on my dad for over a year now, I've also found out that she's been lying to me about other stuff, she abuses my sickly dog, etc. I just don't trust her anymore, and deep down, I wonder how much she's been manipulating me my whole life to be on "her side".The rest of the family has seemingly blacklisted her, and for a long time, I thought I knew why, and that she was in the right, but now I wonder if I don't know the real reason she's basically been excommunicated from the family. They're all out of state, anyway, so even if I wanted to turn to them, I couldn't. I don't have much family on my dad's side, either. One of his sisters is a crazy drunk, and the other is a super judgmental uptight stiff.I'm keeping this stuff about my mom secret from my dad, even, because he's not very emotionally stable for this kind of thing. I think he'd probably try to kill himself if he knew my mom was cheating on him. Even my mom doesn't know I know about her. I'm basically just going through the motions from before I found out any of it.So, I have no one to turn to to confide in about my social issues because I don't trust my mom anymore, and I have no one to confide in about my family issues because I have no real friends to turn to. I feel completely alienated and alone, and it drives me crazy. There's so much crap that I'm keeping deep down from everyone, and it's just weighing on me a lot.How exactly do you handle this? How do you handle all the pressure, without having anyone to just be there for you, listen to you, or even help you? I just really wish I knew how to get through this.
View related questions:
drunk, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 March 2013):
 hi there.
this is a tough situation you're in and i can imagine it's upsetting. i'm sorry you're going through all of this with no one to rely on.
it's unfortunate you found out about your moms infidelity. that's a really tough position to be in. sometimes ignorance is bliss. it's completely your discretion not to say anything to your father and stay out of it. and i don't particularly blame you in this instance.
it sounds to me like you're in desperate need to get out of your house and on your own for a bit. the semester ends in about a month or two at most. could you take a bit of time off from school come april or may and get a better paying job and work full time? then you could move out on your own and save up for a car and go back to school once your life is more settled and in order. right now, you're just sinking. you're not saving any money, you're emotionally drained, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. a good friend of mine says "do what you've always done and get what you've always gotten." you've gotta change things up, otherwise, nothing will ever change, will it?
right now i'm full time waiting tables. it's FAR from ideal, but the joy of it is that the money is far better than any other job you'll get without a degree or specialty in. i work just weekends right now and make enough to support myself 100% and still go out and have a life. i'm starting my masters soon and my schedule is perfect for me as i'll have the entire week dedicated to school work, and the weekends to pay my bills. so you could do the same if you wanted. most restaurant managers staff their establishments with college kids because it's the most practical job to have while in school. the hours are perfect for college kids. and also, a huge perk is that you'll be surrounded with employees your age. my closest friends are people i work with. so you'll be bound to find some friends there. and lastly, you'll never know what kind of connections you can make. you're working with the general public. just last week i got a job offer from a woman who was sitting at my table. if i were currently in the market for another job, i'd be in luck. you make all sorts of great contacts waiting tables.
anyway, that's my two cents. i truly hope everything works out well for you. at some point, things will get better. they always do. good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Visit your guidance counselor or campus psychologist at your community college; if you are feeling so depressed. They may be able to offer some help, or make some good referrals. That's what they're there for.How can you be attending school and working; yet be so lonely? You're exposed to the public all the time.Look inward, what are you doing wrong? How do you treat other people? Are you approachable, or do you always have a sour face? Are you always wearing a frown? Are you irritable and unfriendly?Everyday life has pressures. You're somewhere between 22 to 25, and perhaps carrying a lot on your shoulders. Money problems can really bring you down, and you feel unable to get out of the funk weighing on you. If you can't afford to support your family; then make a decision. There is nothing you can do about your mom's life. She is an adult, and responsible for her own actions.Telling your dad what you've discovered isn't going to change who your mom really is, and he may know more about her than you think. They've lived together this long.You can still help with the bare necessities. Maybe some groceries and a small utility bill now and then. Obviously, you can't afford much else; and worrying doesn't help.There are social services to assist people with rent, food, and paying utilities. So,if you still live at home; then maybe it's time to move out so they'll qualify. Find yourself a roommate on Craig's List, or the student bulletin board. Rent a room. Your needs are simple and you have limited funds.If your mom is such a villainous cheat, withdrawing your financial support shouldn't be very hard. She may not need it or want it anymore. It appears she isn't happy with her life as it is either. What would your dad prove with suicide? Don't over-dramatize.What will they do if you become incapacitated or lose your job? They'll have to fend for themselves.So you don't have a car? What's wrong with public transportation? It can get you anywhere you need to go.Your problem isn't loneliness. You are over-dramatizing and centering all your attention on everything negative. While life is passing you by in the process.You don't take the time nor make the effort to be social. Either because you don't really want to be around people; or you burden them with your sorrows.Your problems shouldn't always be the topic of conversation. You'll force your friends to avoid you. Optimism is a tool for survival. Venting is good, not all the time! Give yourself a few days off, to just ignore your problems. Chip in when you can on social outings. Sometimes you have to ask for a ride, limit it to emergencies. A good long walk takes a lot off our mind. It also gets you out in public. The sun does wonders when you're down. You'll meet people along the way.When you come to terms with the fact that you can't afford to support your parents, and stay out of their marital problems; you will find peace and freedom.Perhaps most of your family moved out of town to live their own lives, and avoid all the drama. Maybe they got as far away from it as they could. Perhaps you're the last one left dealing with all this.Some distance might be all you need. A change of environment and another part-time job. Seek some help to learn how to budget.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 Can't go anywhere? No busses, no nothing to transport you except for getting rides from people (btw if you get rides from people, aren't they your friends?)
Look around for options to socialize in the immediate proximity. Go online to socialize. I just moved to a new city, and an online buddy of mine happened to move to the same city. Not knowing many people we decided to meet up and hang out IRL and not just online. He's a much cooler person IRL too, haha. But that's another story. Point is: you can make friendships of all kinds. I know several stories of best buddies who met online, in particular through online games. I mean people even marry people they met online, so making friends online isn't that complicated. But like real life friends, they take time to build up. A friendship isn't built over night, but can take several months, if not years, to cultivate. So, you need to start, you need to plant several seeds, and then see which ones grow into friendships.
As for your mother. Your relationship between your mother and you is between the two of you. It is not between the rest of the family and you and her. It's just between you and your mother. This means that even if she cheated on your father, it doesn't make her a bad mother. It doesn't mean she loves you less, it doesn't mean she's a bad person, and it doesn't mean YOU shouldn't trust her. I think you've been coloured blind by storied other family members have told you. If you, in your own experience, have come to find her a bad person, then fine. But if you think she is a bad person because of how OTHERS view her, such as your father, such as other family members, then you are in the wrong. Others can not tell you how your relationship with her should be. It is possible for you to have a good relationship with your mother, while at the same time supporting your father and have contact with the rest of your family. You do not have to pick sides. She is your mother, and if you want a good relationship with her then YOU make that decision. No one else can force you to say she is a bad person. She has been good to you for so long, and you are her son. She did not cheat on you. So do not resent her for actions that are, when you come down to it, not your business. The cheating was between her and your father, not between her and you. And just because your other family members have blacklisted her doesn't mean you should blacklist her, and it doesn't mean YOU are blacklisted either just because she is.
"I have no one to confide in about my family issues because I have no real friends to turn to"
Why is that? Are you afraid to open up and let people in? If you don't give people a chance to be a true friend, then how will you ever know if they could be a good friend? You need to open up and give people the chance to come closer. It is scary, but you don't have anything to lose. The worst thing that can happen is you confide in someone who isn't interested in hearing it. So what? You can turn to someone else and confide in them, and maybe they will turn out to become a close friend of yours. It hurts when the friends you have turn out to not be true friends, I know. I've had to weed out several of the "fake" friends I've had, because they turned out to not be true friends. I would open up to them, thinking they might be true friends, but then they turned me away. That part does stink, because you get disappointed. But either way, you find out what they're truly made of by opening up. Other times I've just taken a chance, and opened up to people I was merely acquainted with, and now they are my closest friends.
Friendships are like other things in life, you need to take a risk in order to win.
You need to start opening up though. I know what it's like to keep secrets from everyone and pretend everything is fine. I did that for decades. It eats you up inside, brings down your mental health, and you deteriorate. Then I started opening up, and only good things have come of it. I've deepened the friendships I thought were shallow, for one. I've also felt relief, relief because I no longer had to keep secrets. And it helps so much to have people who know what you're all about, who you truly are, and who know your situation. You'll be surprised by how much it helps to just dare open up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 March 2013):
 Hi,Well you certainly have come to the right place to get support.First off, your parents are adults and they are responsible for themselves, as is your Aunt .Sounds like your Mom is manipulative, devious and a liar. That is probably why the rest of the family are fed up with her. And if she is unkind to an animal then she is not a person to be trusted.I guess you still live at home? But it sounds like you have to pay more than your share.Could you check if an older person who lives near your community college is looking for a person to rent a room in their home in exchange for some yard work and a minimal rent? If you can get a reference from your last teacher and your current community college teacher that attest to your character you might be able to find such accomodation.Sounds like your Mom and Dad haven't been living within their means.That's a lesson for you: never spend more than you earn, stay out of debt, and save 10% of everything you earn.Forget about money on credit - it becomes a millstone around your neck.If you owe money for your studies then pay off some of that regularly, no matter how little, do pay it off regularly.More income will happen eventually.Try to focus on existing hobbies that cost next to nothing.Reading books from the library.Walking or running in the park.Find a charity looking for volunteers.And if you can access some counselling that is free or affordable then do access it.My good wishes to youRegardsAbella
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): I handle it by talking to friends, if I didn't have friends I'd turn to making some online even go onto omegle to ask people for advice, if that didn't help I'd look for counselling, I've even just gone and sat in bars on my own and started talking to random strangers about stuff.
When I was broke I just invited people to my place or called over to friends apartments and things to socialize. Or I'd play games online and have people I was friendly with on there, or I'd invite people to go for a drink after college etc. Going places with friends is not the only way to socialize, sitting in their place drinking beer and playing games is the way I most socialized when I had no money.
OP I'm mid 30's and have never owned a car to drive, I'm really considering changing that now though but only for the fact that I want to buy a 2013 Ferrari F12 berlinetta for a road trip around Europe. I always just cycle everywhere, walk or get the bus. Cycling is great for clearing the mind too.
Working out at home really helps too, don't need any equipment just do it prison style and look up some youtube vids on things. That'll occupy a good hour or so a day, plus being fitter healthier and stronger rocks.
OP when things start to get too much go back to basics, eat well, exercise, stay groomed and clean, keep your place/room clean, sleep well, focus on your life and keep the basics intact, then find things to keep you busy and find people you can talk to.
OP when things to shit for me my fiancée knows immediately because I'll just grab my bike and cycle for two hours anywhere. Just take in the world around me, watch people as they walk places, cycle around estates and see kids playing and just let my mind think, take in the beauty of the place I live and notice the things I didn't before, pet stray dogs, get chased by scum bags in bad neighbourhoods, you know just be out there in the world observing life.
Surely you have a hobby or something you can get back into, things about yourself you'd like to improve etc. Get on those.
Invite some of your buddies around to play games and drink beer, or just ask if you can head over to a friends place to do so or watch some movies or something. Just force yourself to communicate more with your buddies.
When things get me down and I put more of an effort into myself, into doing things that make me happy and I let shit blow out of my mind. You can't change your mother, you shouldn't let it get to you too much, what she does is nothing to do with you and you can plead ignorance. You're working to moving on with your life so it's only a matter of time before you're independent and free, in the mean time get busy and stay busy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): I am so sorry about your situation. I am like you, I have trouble socializing and opening up to people. I am extremely shy and this is hard.
Why not try to join a club or something? I'm sure there are lots at your college. Or perhaps try going to free events in your city? I do this when I can, I go to free yoga clases at a park and I have had the opportunity to meet people.
About your family, I am so sorry, again, for this. I wish there was a way to help you but unfortunately this is your mother's problem, not yours, so don't worry to much and try to focus on your life for now.
...............................
|
