A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 5 years walked out a few weeks ago. The reason was because after 5 years of her wanting to keep our relationship a secret, I told her we cant go on like this and in order for us to move forward as a couple we need to stop being a secret. Every few months she kept saying she would tell her friends about us, but she never did.Anyway, rather than tell them now, she walked out. Some people knew, but her close friends and family didnt. But whats worse now is that she is telling everyone we were never together for the last 5 years and that i made the whole thing up. The people that knew are now wondering if I did make it all up.Because we were a secret, she would not show affection in public and she would not let us go out locally, so no one saw that. If we did bump into anyone she knew, she would go over to them and tell them that me and her had just bumped into each other. She would never allow a photo of us both together and would go out of her way to make sure I never bumped into her friends.Now her friends think I have been stalking her for 5 years and she is letting them believe that. All because she didnt want to tell them.Everyone says ive had a lucky escape, but they dont know her like i do and i know if it was all in the open we could have made a good go of it. She still texts, and has been to my flat a few times since, but nothing has happened and she keeps her distance. She says she is really scared to lose me, but then does all this which is only going to make me stay clear of her. So she has a funny way of not wanting to lose me.Please tell me what to do!!!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Oh dear, me and my hidden prejudice, thanks anon for putting me right.. missed the part about you being a girl..That makes a small difference, not because you and her are doing anything wrong, but she might not have declared that she is gay and may lose all her family and friends who might be prejudice and hate gay people.Yes in a perfect world she should be able to declare her love for you, but this world is not perfect, even me who have no negative feeling against gay people, automatically assume that every relationship is heterosexual. If you were a guy, she wouldn't be in danger of losing her home, losing everyone she knows. Awful but true in many cases. But it's also true that the world has changed, and she fears discrimination and prejudice that no longer exist. In my family when my cousin declared he was gay, I thought his mother and grandmother would reject him, they didn't, they just said, "good luck and enjoy yourself", they didn't give a damn. But not all my family is like this, so his sexuality isn't discussed by anyone. And he has yet to bring a date home to meet me, even though I've told him to.How gay friendly are her people? That is the key point. Many people are still "in the closet", because of the discrimination that exists. If you really need a public declaration, she might not be able to do this. Yes, love should be blind, and love should conquer all, but in many gay relationships, love means that all you can offer your partner is the title of "very good friends".If you gave her an ultimatum, one she could not meet, then she risks nothing by saying that this love never existed. It's not that she's putting you last, but she is very very scared. I know gay people open about their sexuality, but I also know gay people who are careful only to tell family and friends who will not reject them and disapprove.You asked her to put you first above her fear, and this she could not do. She handled this very badly, if she could not admit to being lovers, she could at least have acknowledge you as very good friends, and then ignored any questions that asked her to define what good friends mean. Many gay people have done this for years, and though everything remains hidden, and people gossip, they at least get a good idea about how important you are, and yet they don't have to tackle the issue and kick her out of their lives.I am so very sorry. If you're proud of your sexuality and she is ashamed, then the relationship can't work, and you were right to push the issue, instead of keeping it hidden. She's not ready to be in a publicly gay relationship right now, and perhaps never.Again, sorry. What can you do. Nothing really, it's up to her to conquer her fear. Your not happy with being an "ignored friend", as I said, it's a mismatch, the relationship is unbalanced. You have what it needs to make a good relationship, she is scared and lying, she will face this issue again anytime she wants to get romantic again. I feel very sorry for her. Do not back down, you were damn right to speak up and ask her for more.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): Hi,
Secret relationships never bring happiness. It's like when married men say they'll leave their wife and never do. What did she tell you to keep it secret for FIVE years? Is she already in a relationship? Is she from a background that doesn't accept homosexuality? Whatever made you accept the situation, now think about how miserable you are feeling because of her dishonesty (telling people you were stalking her, keeping you like a dirty secret). If you want to keep your dignity and your sanity, stop all contacts with her and consider moving on. If she can't treat you with respect, and love you without fear, she shouldn't be receiving your attention. The initial decision was wrong but now that you have a chance get out of it, fast, before someone gets hurt. It will be hard, because five years is a long time, but be strong. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 This makes no sense. What explanations did she give for wanting to keep you a secret , and did you accept them ? Were they good reasons in your mind ? In fact, did you actually ever asked her why the secret ?
Is she married ?...
And now, she wants to be with you again, but always on the downlow.
I don't understand why you even bother to call her your girlfriend,or ex girlfriend, she is not and never was. This does not even sound like a relationship to me, maybe a tryst , an affair, a dalliance etc, but not a real relationship. Being bf and gf HAS a strong social element in it, it means also that you know and mingle with each other's friends and famiies, that you share activities with people you BOTH know , otherwise what's the difference with any illicit affair. Plus...when you are in love you want to scream it from the rooftops ; you are PROUD of introducing your partner to people.
Don't do anything, cut her loose and don't waste one more minute on someone who acts so bizarre, cruel and disrespectful.
Unless there's some weird, movie-like reason ( ... A clause in some rich uncle's will, that she'll inherit millions but only if she results single for ten years... )!, she has no reason and no right to treat you this way, so ...don't let her .
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2012):
Stay well clear of her. Have nothing to do with her at all.I have a very good friend, known her since we was kids. When we was young and going out to parties, she had this boyfriend who was always trying to control her, never seem to want to let her go out, always turned up where we were going, even on a night out with the girls. We hated him, and kept trying desperately to convince her to leave him. She promised to dump him, but for some reason she wouldn't leave and wouldn't explain why. We were terrified he was abusing her mentally and maybe physically. Her friends hated him, her family hated him worse. Finally she got rid of him, but she wouldn't talk much about it. Very strange as she a very strong person with lots of opinions and isn't easily controlled by anyone, not even her parents or people in authority.We didn't find out the whole story until a couple of years later when she had met a new guy who also started acting strange. Again he kept stalking her, wouldn't let her out of his site, kept having this jealous tantrums... and what's worse, he treated me and all her other women friends as if we were the biggest whores on earth. Got upset cause I was dancing with some man, strange behaviour, because my own boyfriend who arrived soon after, had no problem with it at all. Again we begged her to leave the new strange guy and started to worry about her taste for psychotic men. She always had men chasing her, and usually she told them what to do, not the other way round.It all came out finally.... boy did it come out. When the new guy asked her to marry him, she had to tell him her secrets. The reason for the first guys strange actions, was he was her bloody husband, she had kept it a secret for years, nobody, not her mother, not her best friend, nobody knew. So of course the guy was paranoid and insecure, she was acting like she was a single woman dating, not a damn married woman. And the second guy, her new fiance, since he knew the story he thought she would treat him the same way. He had it in his head that we all knew and encouraged it, or somehow we girlfriends all acted like this.It took about five years for everyone to forgive her. Her mother, her sisters, me, her girlfriends, we could hardly look at her, let alone talk to her. The amount of lies she told, the way she was willing to let the men get blamed for her mistakes.. absolutely disgusting. And in them five years, she was stalked by everyone, we all bloody watched her because we didn't trust her at all, not with men, and not with herself.If I had known about the first marriage, if I had know about the second guys distrust, friend or not, I would have told the guys to dump her, no-one deserves to be treated like that. (She married the second guy eventually, and yep, happily ever after in the end)Not sure why she's got to keep secrets, but if she's not proud to love you and stand beside you, then she's not really someone you can call any type of friend, and what she's doing isn't called love, it's disgusting.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 How quickly do you suppose you should get away from this sort-of woman who is playing such an important game????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Get yourself together and spend some time with your real friends. And when u do date again, date someone who is open and honest about their sexual likes to not only u but others. For now, heal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Wake up - she has for 5 years kept you in the background and is amazed when you want to be a proper public couple. There is something wrong here. Either she has a big problem or she is embarrassed to be going out with you. The problem is all hers. Really, call her bluff. Don't contact her or return her calls or texts. You are making excuses for her, somehow letting her off the hook for treating you badly. She is using you. You were right to give her a ultimatum, stick to it and don't get sucked back into being her secret boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): This whole relationship is very unhealthy to the point that I don't understand why you would tolerate this and I think that you must be "crazy" to have stayed in it for FIVE years! What was her reason for keeping your relationship a secret? Her friends must also be crazy to not have realized what was going on and not to have wondered why you and she were continually bumping in to each other.
I think it's good that you finally demanded to go public and she ended it. Don't let her continue to use you. I would rely on your friends and councilor to get you through this. Make it clear to her that under no circumstances will you be a part of her life in any way unless she tells everyone what is going on and accepts you as an open part of her life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Has she come out of the closet?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2012):
 I DO think you had a lucky escape! If she can not admit and SHARE her love for you with family and friends, she can't be that good of a person.
Stay away from her, no contact, no nothing.
Why on EARTH could she not tell people that you were dating? Why hide it? What explanation did she give? And WHY did you stick it out for 5 years, being hid away? Did you tell YOUR family and friends about her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Just to add OP. I have a feeling you're going to defend her by saying I don't know her, well after 5 years OP your friends must know quite a bit about her from you. Listen to them, they're not all misguided idiots that somehow don't understand how "special" this girl is. They can see her behaviour, they can see what it's doing to you and they know better than you do in your current state of blind love what's right and wrong for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): "Everyone says ive had a lucky escape."
It would have been a lucky escape if you got rid of her years ago.
"they dont know her like i do."
That's exact same excuse people who are in abusive relationships use, people who are in love with others who have cheated, lied and done all sorts of other nasty things. It's the most bullshit excuse I've ever heard. My response? Sure, everyone else is wrong and you're the only right person in the world. Yet her behaviour, her dual life, her shame of who she is and who you are and the fact she left you when things became more open says even I know her better than you do because you can't see who she really is, only what you want to believe is true. Love has blinded you.
"She says she is really scared to lose me."
Obviously not scared enough to stop treating you like a dirty little secret, a shameful mistake.
You finally put your foot down for once OP. Even the threat of losing you is not enough for her to stop treating you like a shameful dirty plaything. Is that what you are? Is that how you want to live your life? She won't even defend you to her friends, she'd rather you get a reputation for being a sick in the head, crazy stalker lesbian than defend your honour, she won't even protect you from this.
She's a selfish coward OP and you can cry and moan to me that's she really nice and she doesn't deserve to be called that all you want. She has lied to you, she lies to her friends about you, she has let them think you're a psycho, she won't even try and protect your relationship, she'd rather lose you than protect you. She'd rather lose you than have to stand up for you.
My advice. Firstly ask yourself is anyone worth giving up your pride, dignity, self-respect for? Is this girl who won't even stand up for you really worth it? Are you really going to be happy continuing on being her shameful little secret in public and have her lie to you continuously about how much she loves and is proud of you? She's using you and you're her doormat. This entire relationship is on her terms and how the hell are you supposed to accept the person she is if she is too much of a coward to accept it herself.
5 years you've been understanding, you've played along all in the hopes that she would eventually come around and you could have a normal loving relationship. Instead it's gotten worse and she's now letting you get dragged through the mud and she doesn't give a shit.
She either stands up for you, herself and shows some pride in what you both are and have, or you find someone who will. You cannot live a life like this. You live in a very open minded and accepting country. You deserve better than this and it's up to you to ensure you get better treatment than this too.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (21 February 2012):
 Save all the texts she sends you. Show all the doubters who the real nut case is. No, they don`t know her like you do, that`s true. They all think she is normal. Tell you what to do? You know what to do.
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