A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello agony aunts,I'm in a bit of a bind. I've been dating a girl for a year now and everything has been going pretty well.... from her perspective.When we started dating I noticed she was incredibly quiet. I'm a very talkative person, so her silence made me uncomfortable. At first I thought it was a language-confidence issue (her first language is my second, vice versa) or her taking time to warm up to me, so I just put up with it. Over time I got used to the long moments of silence, but didn't necessarily feel comfortable with them.Through the year I've determined that it isn't a language issue, as I'm fully capable of communicating no problem in her native language with other people. And observing her interactions with her friends have shown me that she is just naturally a quiet person.She also doesn't enjoy confrontation about unpleasant issues. Her job has her working over 12 hours a day, and she wants a laid back, relaxing relationship to help her unwind every weekend. If I bring up concerns or problems, it adds to her stress. So out of respect for her wishes, I kept my mouth shut.The past few months I've really lost interest in the relationship and her. And like a fool I didn't tell her any of this as my feelings changed. It's now at the point where I no longer care to be with her, but she's still very happy with me.Last weekend was especially difficult, as it was our one-year anniversary. I just went through the motions of a date, but she really got sentimental and emotional at the end. She started crying because she was so happy that we've together so long, and told me for the first time that she loves me. Unfortunately, I'm a pretty good actor and she doesn't yet realize anything is wrong. Any hints that she may have received she's likely blaming on my being a grad school student (night classes after work) with a ton of homework and stress this semester. I'm also only her second boyfriend, so she's not very good at picking up subtle hints from her partner.The truth is, I want out of this relationship. But up to now I've given her no clues of my unhappiness. I respect her and don't want to just drop a bombshell, but I have no idea how to approach this.Perhaps the most difficult part about all of this are the unsettling things she's said to me before. When her 1st boyfriend broke up with her, he did so suddenly, over the phone, on Christmas Day. (ouch!) She confided in me that she was devastated, severely depressed, stopped eating, etc. She told me "if you ever break up with me, I would die." While I feel this statement was meant to be hyperbolic, I can't help but to fear that there is some truth behind it.I don't know how to carefully approach breaking up. Any ideas?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (22 February 2012):
well to be honest it's unfair to her that you were being fake all this time and never told her that you were unhappy so you never gave her a chance to change. Yes she's a very quiet person by nature and that's opposite of you, but if she had known that you'd prefer her to be more talkative and open, who knows she might have made an effort to change and found it to not be so difficult after all. She shouldn't force herself to be someone she isn't just to suit you (that would mean you're just incompatible) but she did at least deserve a chance to try it.
Unfortunately you've learned the hard way that long-term conflict avoidance and being afraid to honestly hurt your partner's feelings with the truth, are not good practices or good ways to conduct yourself in relationships instead they give you short term easy solutions (like getting through the weekend with minimal discomfort) but in the end create a much bigger problem that eventually you will have to face.
this is my suggestion. If you think that there's a possibility your feelings could change if she were to change her behavior to be more of what you'd like, then you don't have to break up with her yet and you can avoid all that discomfort of a break up. Instead give her a chance, but that requires that from now on you have to be honest with her. You have to change too, not just her, and you should acknowledge that to her.
Tell her that you've been thinking about this relationship too, and you're unhappy with some things and would like some changes to happen, and then tell her. And acknowledge that it was your fault for not telling her sooner and that you will also make the effort to change and be a better communicator. This is basically what you should have done ages ago. Then, she will know that you're not happy but it won't be as devastating to her as a break up, and who knows she may actually decide to change and if so, you may actually become happy with her and the relationship, so it's a win-win.
And if she tries to change (or doesn't) but it's not enough and you're still unhappy, or if she reacts badly and the relationship becomes tense and unbearable for you, well then when you do finally initiate the break up it wouldn't then be such a huge blindside to her as you're fearing it would be now. But only if you continue to be HONEST with her. Don't ask for changes to be made and if she tries her best but it's not enough to make you happy don't feel obliged to pretend that it is or you'll be right back where you are now. The point here is that you need to start being HONEST with her because it does her no favors to be faking and misleading her, that's disingenuous.
Alternatively if you really can't stand to be in this relationship anymore and dont' want to give her a chance, that's OK too. You shouldn't force yourself to stay in a relationship if you're really hating it. But then you are going to have to blindside her with a break up, and this is exactly what you're so afraid of. But if you have to do it, then you just have to be a man and do it. The sooner the better.
When you do it, you should be honorable in taking responsibility for your own failure in this relationship as well because it takes two people to be in a relationship. that is, you should acknowledge your dishonesty and how you were being fake for a long time and why you did it, because your intentions were good but you now realize it was a mistake and that it wasn't the right thing to do after all. Yes it will be a shock to her and she will probably feel betrayed too, and don't expect her to be understanding of you or to be OK with it at all, but it's time for you to finally be honest. You don't owe her a continued relationship, but you do at least owe her honesty.
Finally, if you don't want to give her a chance and want to break up but are just too afraid to, don't let her "if you ever leave me I'll die!" scare you into continuing faking your way through this relationship. Chances are it was just a figure of speech and she will be fine. People break up every day, and life goes on, they eventually heal and move on. But if she really is suicidal, then she needs to get counseling from a professional (and you can refer her to one if you're seriously worried that she's suicidal), not for a bf to stay in a fake relationship with her.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (21 February 2012):
From being on the receiving end of this kind of breakup, there is nothing you can really do to be careful about it, unless you want to prolong the relationship and actually give it a chance. From my experience, I felt confused, betrayed, lied to, questioned the entire relationship, etc. I didn't understand why he would not tell me what was wrong in the first place so that we could try and improve things.
Since you sound sure that you no longer want to be with her, all you can do is do it as soon as possible. If you do prolong it, absolutely DO NOT continue saying things that you THINK you should be saying rather than what you are feeling. So do not continue telling her you love her or like spending time with her, etc. This will only make her continue thinking that things are going well and then hurt her more when you break up.
Just explain what is wrong with the relationship, that you have been feeling this way for some time, and that it would be better for the two of you to break up now. And don't do this in a future relationship. Because instead of being a possible amicable breakup since both of you recognize that you have both gave it your best shot and it didn't work out, it becomes a confusing hurtful breakup that takes your partner by surprise.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 Ok. You need to do this sooner rather than later. Stop acting and pretending everything is ok. I understand your reasons for this. But it is really not fair for her to believe everything is going great and letting her get her hopes up when you have no intention of continuing this relationship. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to break up and the more hurtful it will be to her.
I had an ex who I had inclings was not 100% interested in me but was very good at saying the right thing. So I stayed with him because what he said made me doubt my intuition. In the end I had to leave him because it just didn't feel right and he wasn't treating me well. When we broke up he actually agreed with me that we should break up and said he didn't feel a spark with me. Well the fact that I knew he lied to me for so long hurt me WAY more than the fact he didn't want to be with me anymore. He wanted to stay friends, but I don't need a friend who is dishonest.
Whether you actually care about salvaging a friendship with this girl or not, it would be better to break up soon. Do not worry about what she has told you in the past. Her last break up was a very negative experience because the guy broke up on the phone on Chritmas. Just make sure you break up with her face to face and let her down gently. Trust me, she WILL have some idea of how you feel. She is not a robot, people pick up on others true feelings, especially their partner's. She just may be indenial because she wants to be with you. But ultimatly it is wasting both of your time to keep this going when it is essentially a sham.
Breaking up is hard, especially after a long time like a year. But the longer you leave it, the worse you will both feel at the end. Do it now! And good luck.
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