A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I gave birth to my little boy three months ago. The pregnancy wasn’t planned as me and my partner always said that we didn’t want children, nothing against them it’s just that I don’t really think I’m a maternal person and I’ve always been a carer for most of my life having to care for my mother and sister. Since having my little boy my outlook has changed slightly, he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me. However since having him, myself and my partner have argued more than we have in the 6 years we’ve been together. I know it’s difficult and very time consuming, but I just feel like he could be a better father (I know that sounds awful, but he’s always on his phone, watching tv.. etc) I don’t know if I’m ‘in love’ with him anymore. I genuinely don’t know what to do as I keep having dreams about another guy (we used to talk before I got with my current partner), I don’t know whether it means something or not but I don’t know what to do. It doesn’t help as I don’t know how I feel about my partner. We need to make time for ourselves without the baby but it’s so difficult as I don’t have my parents around and my partners parents work full time. Any help or advice on this would be massively helpful - thank you in advance!! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2019): I wanted to add something.
Your boyfriend may be juvenile in his thinking, and avoids showing any interest in his kid; but that doesn't mean that at some later time he won't grow attached. Sometimes immature selfish men show one thing on the outside, but there's something else going-on inside. Don't take this to mean that's always the case. A total jackass is a jackass, and they are rotten to core. That kind of man will never change until something horrific causes an epiphany in his life. You've been together six years, you've got history between you!
I suggest you insist that he hold his son. Urge him to play with him and interrupt his gametime to care for the baby. Leave him home alone with the baby. He should feed him, diaper him, and hold him when he cries.
It will start to register instinctively that this child is dependent on him; and he will inadvertently start to bond. It's easy to reject the sweet little guy when you make little or no contact.
Babies have a way of bringing something out in us we didn't know was there. Even when it's not your own, you feel compelled to protect children. Look how it changed you! You're a doting and loving mother, yet you too said you never wanted kids. If all efforts fail, then daddy's gotta go! He doesn't get to stay around just to make that bundle of joy feel his disdain and rejection.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2019): Having a child is tough. It requires years and years of dedication and it tests your relationship to the very limit, especially in the early years. Literally everything you do revolves around your little boy and his needs.With it has inevitably come stress, sleep deprivation and as you eluded to, more arguments. If he is not pulling his weight with your son or just in general you need to tell him. There should be no excuse for him not to do his bit, regardless of the fact that your baby wasn't planned and neither of you wanted children.It's a shame that you don't have much support from other family members, everyone is entitled to a break at some point. I know you said both his parents work full time but does that include evenings and weekends? Could you not book them to babysit whilst you and your boyfriend go out for a meal together? Surely they'd be itching to spend some time with their grandson. When I had both of my kids I could never get rid of my Mum and Dad most of the time LOL.You say your feelings towards your boyfriend have changed and that's OK, however I wouldn't be too hasty just yet. You've been together for 6 years which is a hell of a long time, you owe it to him and to yourself to at least try and make it work. As I said before having a baby puts enormous strain and pressure on a relationship so there are bound to be bad times. But if you make the effort to try and mend it then maybe it will all work out in the end. If not, it might be difficult to come to terms with but at least you can say you tried.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2019): Forcing parenthood on people who adamantly reject the idea will get the detached and disinterested reaction you're getting from your boyfriend. Sometimes you don't know how you'll handle a situation until you cross that bridge. A young-person in their teens or early-20's doesn't necessarily see themselves as a parent right-away; and it seems a large number of people become parents unintentionally anyway! The irony being that so many couples want to, but fertility-problems prevents it!
You knew beforehand, and if no precautions were taken to avoid pregnancy; you're left with lone-responsibility of being a parent. It seems your partner is being true to his "no-way" stance on the matter of fatherhood. He's obviously not enthused about it.
You're now feeling yourself growing distant from the child's father, and fantasizing about another man. I guess placed in your shoes we would all fantasize about a better situation; but you're a mother now, so you have to snapback to reality. It is what it is! It's unlikely the other guy isn't looking for a ready-made family just yet; if he's also in your age-group. Some other guy's kid, which keeps the biological-father in the picture; whether he wants to be or not. Baby-daddy drama is going to make dating a challenge!
If you don't want his help, you can get him to legally relinquish his paternal-rights and assume sole-custody. Bearing in-mind, collecting an inheritance in the future will be a legal-challenge for your son.
Perhaps it's time to reassess your relationship. You really need to vent your feelings about his bad-behavior directly to him. Sometimes people change when they have to face the truth; after you
appeal to their conscience; but other times, they'll simply tell you where they're coming from. He still may not want the kid, and he won't pretend to. You don't have the luxury of changing people.
You can't force anyone to love you, or anybody else.
The situation as it stands, gives you the opportunity to make a life-decision. Maybe he'll grow attached over time. On the other hand, he's doing everything he can to show you his attitude and position hasn't changed. Unfortunately for the child; it's an absolutely harsh and cold-blooded attitude to take towards your own flesh and blood.
Prepare yourself to become a single-mother. Get your legal-ducks in a row for child-support. He doesn't have to want the child; but he was there at conception! He didn't wear a condom, or get himself a vasectomy. If he never wanted kids, why doesn't he get one? A question women should ask men who adamantly declare they want no kids, ever!
I'm happy you changed your feelings, and you are truly blessed to have a healthy happy baby-boy. Sometimes life doesn't happen the way we expect it to. That doesn't mean you can't change course; and seek your fullness and happiness elsewhere, and with somebody else. His father is still financially-responsible, and he should pay child-support. Otherwise, don't have unprotected-sex with women; and then decide you're not responsible if you get someone pregnant. They don't have to abort, and they do have a right to legally pursue child-support from the father!
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 September 2019):
 The problem is - as you well know - your partner didn't actually WANT children. Neither did you but, once you were pregnant, you bonded with the baby (as is often the case with women), came to terms with it and now you love your son as you should. Your partner, on the other hand, was not the one who was pregnant so never experienced that bonding. He may even feel slightly resentful now because you obviously need to give your attention to the baby whereas, in his plans, it was just the two of you. Don't blame him for not stepping up.
All I will say is that men often don't "get" babies but, once the child starts to become more "interesting", the father switch suddenly flicks on and they start to interact and get involved. It may be that your partner is one such man.
It has to also be remembered that having babies is stressful. It puts strains on the strongest of relationships, which is why a baby should never be used as a "sticking plaster" for a failing relationship.
In your shoes I would sit your partner down when the baby is asleep and explain to him that, while neither of you actually planned on having a baby, it is now here and you and the baby need his support and help more than ever. You can have "date nights" at home while the baby is asleep. Get a takeaway, light candles, have a bath together, just spend quality time together. The baby will not be a baby for ever. Make allowances for each other and you CAN come through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2019): If these feelings just started after thr the baby came I would strongly caution you to give it some more time. You have been through so much and your hormones and emotions will be deeply impacted. Don't make drastic decisions about your relationship in this time. But if he's not pulling his weight as a parent then that is another issue thst you need to communicate about!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2019): Your are both very young. It's obvious that you have changed your mind when you got pregnant, how about your partner? What did he say? Can he say what he really thinks or does he think that it would be unacceptable?Maybe he just needs more time to accept the new situation (sometimes men need more time to adjust) or maybe he needs more time to admit that he doesn't want to be a father and that he wants a different kind of life.If you want him to bond with the baby he needs to actually take care of him. He needs to actively spend time with him, feed him, bathe him, put him to bed, play with him, read to him... Bonding doesn't just happen. It's important that he participates and does his share of the chores in the house, BUT they shouldn't be a replacement for spending time and taking care of his son.You cannot make him do anything, but you can stop picking up the slack for him. It will help YOU face the facts and you need to face them as soon as possible. I do not know what your financial situation is or if you have any support system (friends and family willing to help out substantially), so you need to know if he's in or out. My advice would be to prepare yourself for the worst possible scenario and hope for the best.Now, when it comes for the time alone with your partner, he also needs to make an effort to make this happen. Otherwise he will just continue to live a life he had before. He too needs to be the one worrying about finding babysitters or friends/family to babysit. This is not ONLY your job.You are either in this together, or not at all. He cannot be your bf anymore, he's a father to your son and he needs to act like it. You need to make sure that he knows what is expected of him and be ready to whatever his reaction might be. If he wants to leave, it's better for all involved that he leave now. Don't guilt him into staying, it won't last. Just tell him you love him and that you need him to step up and that is totally ok if he doesn't want to. Of course, he would need to be financially responsible for the kid, but that's another story. You are not there yet. Your dream is probably NOT really about that guy. You are just lonely and you didn't think you would be going through this alone. I'm sorry that you are going through this, but I'm sure that you know that you are not the first woman to decide to have a kid and realize that her partner "is not there yet". He might still get there, but he won't get there if you continue enabling him. Do not argue, just be rational and pragmatic. Obligations concerning the baby are no different than any other chores. Are you the only one doing the cooking and cleaning? If you are, than no wonder that he expects you to take on yourself this "baby-thing" too. If not, then he needs to know what he's obligations are (in a calm and efficient way). Do not let him turn this into an argument, because that is one of the ways to avoid responsibility. No need to argue, discuss like adults. But you need to we ready for whatever happens.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 September 2019):
 Well, my guess is that he is upset that you changed your mind about kids. If he and you were in accord about NOT having kids and then when you find yourself pregnant you decide to have the child (nothing wrong about that, mind you) - but he might feel like he had no choice and that this child was sort of "forced" on him.
The fact that he doesn't participate in ANY of the kid-rearing stuff makes me think THAT is how he feels. That he STILL doesn't want kids but got one nevertheless and "against his will" (though he could have used a condom 100% of the time to ensure HE didn't become a father or had an oops.
I think you NEED to have a conversation about HOW he feels about it all. Do it when the little one is sleeping. Get your partner to open up. That will perhaps also help you decide how you feel and what should be next.
After 6 years together, you won't really FEEL the same about your partner, sometimes people feel deeper about their partner over time, sometimes they don't. But how we feel about a partner change a little over time, it's normal that it can ebb and flow.
You JUST had the baby 4 months ago, so while I GET that you feel a need for "couples-time" the baby come first and will come first until he is old enough to be looked after by a babysitter.
When you become a mom, your priorities shift. THAT is reality.
As for the dream about the other dude... well, I'd chalk that up to you being unhappy with your partner and fantasizing about someone else who has been in your life. It doesn't mean that this OTHER guy is who you should be with or that you are in need of a new partner. You current partner is failing in a the "father-department" maybe on purpose (because he never WANTED to be a dad) or because he just don't know or care about what to do.
So HAVE a talk with him, go from there.
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