A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just going to lay it out..I'm sure their are some that are going to say I'm a piece of crap for asking or thinking this, but it's just the shitty place I'm at in my head right now. I'm married, late 30's and have a few kids. Love my family , wife, kinda happy with things ect ect. Few year back when my kid started school I met this other mom (she's also married 3 kids) that had a bunch of stuff in common and I felt a connection. She's cute and I totally had/have a crush that goes up and down depending on when I see her and stuff like that. Anyhow, years ago we started texting because of school related stuff and we'd add in some funny jokes blah blah. We kind of text each other on and off every weeks just to say whats up , tell a joke. Once or twice a months she'll even call me to talk about stuff going on or talk crap about someone we don't like. All in all I guess we're friends. We have went out together with each other spouses and never hung out alone.Because of this dam crush I have though, I feel bad because I want to talk to her more. I also feel myself reading into stuff she says as some sort of signal that she kinda feels the same. For example texting the other say and she says "I'm gonna totally admit you are so funny, don't let it go to your head" sort of thing. The thing is the crush is kinda making it hard for me to be a good friend in general. For example I'll randomly text her something stupid and she'll give a one word laugh or maybe not get back to me for a few hours and I find myself thinking like an unmarried teenager rather that an adult friend.This is such a dam personal mess for me.I feel guilty, I know it isn't right but a big part of me just wants to know if she is into me! I know nobody will take me seriously , but I would never cheat on my wife and never put my family in harms way. I just WANT TO KNOW and I'll let it go. Any women out there shed some light on whats going on with this chick?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2019): While you are still in your right mind,, and you are still thinking of your family..get rid of the said crush of yours before u make your family mesirable...Spend ample time with your family instead. Get rid of it while u still can.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019): I mean the creepy "your hair smells good" lol. That is just too far =)I know I am opening a can of worms and I don't know what to do. Probably my mid life crisis hitting, kids ect ect etc. who knows. Just nice to have the attention I guess because actually have not been feeling that great about myself last few years. Anyhow, this friend kind of calls/texts me about kid issues, school stuff blah blah..but I can't help but feeling it's her being attracted. I don't know why, but I JUST FEEL LIKE THAT. Part of the issue is that I'm pretty much alpha male..always at top, know how to achieve and TBH I don't really know how to handle an attractive female "friend". Actually the more she talks kid stuff with me, the more it makes me feel like a girlfriend and the more I want to her to show the attraction.It's a bad cycle, I know..I'm going to limit contact and listen to all of your great advice. Thank You!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019): Your opening up a can of worms by wanting this women to admit she attracted to you and so what if she is .. yes being acknowledged by the opposite sex shows we still have it .. a smile for me and how they second look is more than enough to feel hey I'm still sensual . I've been offered lifts told my hair smells good from men in professional areas . I stay away .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2019):
 You ask why she could be leading you on...
For the SAME reason that YOU are doing this shit to yourself, your wife and your family. ATTENTION.
You don't NEED her approval of your level of attraction. You already have a wife. Maybe if you put HALF the attention you give to this OTHER woman into your wife, she will RETURN that attention back on you.
I know it's nice to get validation from some woman other than you wife, but seriously.... HOW would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your wife was so busy seeking the approval from another man, not you?
That she felt she HAD to know if he actually LIKES her! Because that is all innocent, right?
WRONG.
You are pushing your wife away, spending LESS time thinking about her, wooing her, investing in her emotionally BY being this focused on getting your EGO a rub from an attractive woman you have no ties to. Eventually she will notice and she will be hurt. That in turn will hurt your family.
ALL to get your EGO rubbed.
Seriously, OP?
It IS not uncommon for people to develop a crush on someone EVEN when they are married. It happens. We are after all married, not... dead. IT is, however, how you HANDLE these feeling and this crush that shows WHAT kind of person/spouse you are. There IS such a thing called self-control, respect for your marriage and partner and accepting that YOU made a choice in wife a long time ago and UNLESS you decide the marriage is OVER - you have NOTHING to give to another woman other then a VERY platonic kind of friendship.
Rethink your actions here. Take responsibility for the repercussions of these actions. Because this "crush" of yours and what you DO with it... doesn't JUST affect you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): "I would never cheat on my wife and never put my family in harms way."
WRONG. You're doing it already. You developed a crush and you're even getting worked up about it because she's not responding to you enough! What's the endgame here? Where does this lead?
Time to think about whether there is something fundementally wrong in your marraige and it needs to end, or if you're just bored and craving excitement and you need to put the same effort into your relationship as you do into pining after this other woman.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 September 2019):
 Your "crush" gets that you've been married, got kids, and while you love your family life is a bit ho hum and so she is playing with you, and the reasons could be one, or several of many possibilities.
Whichever it is she is bad news, so unless you are prepared to share the texts and other communications with your wife, bring it all out into the open so to speak, you are already cheating.
Block the crush, delete all contacts, she is bad news.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): You say that’s its just nice to know that someone finds you attractive. Yes that’s fine. But again if you are saying that what you are seeking is innocent (in that you won’t cheat on your wife and hurt your family) then why are you actively pursuing a woman to get her to make you feel attractive? It’s ok to have a chit chat here and there with attractive females but you MUST then move along and accept that these cute women found you interesting and engaging enough to speak with you. Be satisfied with that WITHOUT having to actively pursue ongoing conversations. If your self esteem is suffering enough for you to pursue another woman for even conversation, then please turn to your wife and tell her what’s going on and work on the two of you together. If she won’t work on it with you, then take that hurdle as it comes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): Maybe she is leading me on..maybe. but why? She has a busy life, just like I do..it would be dumb. Maybe she is waiting to for me to make some dumb move (I won't) to give her position of power and swat it down. Anyway everyone thank you for advice. Thank you for being here and taking time to type these very much needed words. Thank you@
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): and just one other thing..I'm speaking from the fact that I will not and would not cheat on my wife. I'm speaking from the area where its more like "it would be nice to know someone still finds you attractive enough to pursue you", which I don't think is a bad thing. In fact, many women boast about this same thing and like to be wanted, pursued ect ect (married or not) and it's surely not looked at as how you just reacted to me.
I just wanted to know that's it. If this person told me hey your great looking, funny ect ect and if it was 15 years earlier things would be different..well, that is enough for me! It's just nice to know and I AM NOT on the verge of ruining my family at all.
Again, thank you for taking time to comment
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): Simple answer and you won’t like it. You say you would never cheat on your wife and never put your family in harm’s way. You also say you want to talk to this other woman more.So this is the moment you choose who you want to be, because you are at the exact crossroads of what’s going to come.If you REALLY don’t want to cheat and you want to put your family first, then you have to do the hard thing, which is the right thing, and nip this in the bud NOW. The moment you want to talk more to this other woman is the moment you are inviting The Third into your marriage. Choose not to do that. As hard as it is. If your feelings are developing for this person, then stop it now. Take concrete measures. Stop texting and talking to this person on the phone. Stop talking to her in person. Don’t you care a thing about appearances or what this other woman will think because you should care more about what your wife and your children will think. If needed, be up front with the other woman and tell her that you feel you’ve crossed a boundary and don’t wish to be close to another female friend without your wife close to this person too. If you must hang out with her, invite your wife. Good luck. I hope you pick the right path.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2019): yea was a little harsh I have to say, but thanks for berating my penis?
o and this little tid bit "and does her best to give you a clean, well-run, happy home. She's not perfect, but maybe she loves you more than she might show it sometimes. Such is life!"
I stay home, I take care of the kids and house..I was injured in a very dangerous job and I stay home and do those things..don't assume.
I appreciate your honesty and advice
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2019): End all contact. You didn't exchange contact-information with the "other woman" for the purpose of "school stuff."
You were checking her out from the very beginning. You pursued your interest under the guise of being "friendly"... and yes, it is crappy that you're being sneaky about it. Trying your best to make is seem as innocent as a crush. It's unadulterated lust!!!
Boys have crushes, not grown-men!
If no-one firmly admonishes you about the bad-behavior, how else are we to trigger your better-conscience? I suggest you use some self-control; which is most effective when you distance yourself far from your source of temptation.
I'll put it bluntly! It's not as nice and simple as a crush. You're thinking with your penis, and contemplating cheating on your marriage and family. You're doing what far too many horny shifty-husbands do! You've gone sniffing around outside your marriage; because your greedy dick told you to! There, can I put it any plainer than that? The devil is at-work!
You have have a wife. All relationships dip, or have a lull in passion. You address those issues with your spouse; and try to overcome them together. For whatever faults or weaknesses she has, she is also the mother of your children. Your chosen-mate! The one who worries when you're sick, sticks by you when you're down or miserable, gave you the kids who call you daddy; and does her best to give you a clean, well-run, happy home. She's not perfect, but maybe she loves you more than she might show it sometimes. Such is life!
If you've got unmet needs or deficiencies in your love-life; she should be the first and only one to know. Not to mention, that there's also another husband in this situation! Who will eventually start to pickup on the fact you're being a horny-dog after his wife. His primitive/competitive male-instincts to protect his mate will zoom right-in on your overly-friendly gestures towards his woman. She'll slip and mention you with a tad too much enthusiasm; and he'll just pretend not to notice, until he catches you both red-handed!
You're on the brink of drama of all-kinds. You're about to rock the boat, and create dysfunction. QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD!!!
You'll also get tipsy or sloppy, and slip-up! Divine intervention will expose you! As do most wives, your wife is already watching you in her peripheral-vision anyway! She knows when you're aroused, after-all, those are the tools and subtleties you employed to attract her. If you've neglected her in any way, or you're distant towards her; she is hypersentive about your behavior around other females.
Your wife will sooner or later sneak a peek at your phone messages. They have built-in intuition when their husbands have a roving-eye, because of the tell-tale signs. You start to get less attentive, show very little affection, and she notices how you look at other women. Your kids will notice how extra-chummy you are with the other kids mommy compared to how you treat theirs! As young as six!
They all have radar that is constantly scoping and checking your behavior with other females. Women are wired that way. Kids are smarter than days of old; because they know why people get divorced. It's all around them, it happens to kids they know; and they're diligent about keeping it away from their own family!
Disconnect all contact and block your phone. Your friendship is phony. It's romantic/sexual in context, and you are psychologically-cheating on your wife. It's a matter of time before you make a move for the physical aspect.
Stop pretending you can't help it. What would you expect your wife to do, if she had eyes for another man? What if your sneaky little roving-penis suddenly isn't adequate to satisfy her needs, and she decides the other husband might fit her needs better than yours? You'd be ready to kick her out, take full-custody of your kids; and wish she'd fall into a bottomless-pit! She'd be labeled a whore, and terrible mother! All bad actions start from a thought, my friend!
Things and thoughts change when the shoe is on the other foot. Preserve your marriage, and stop behaving like the other useless pig-dog cheating-husbands! Who recklessly destroy their families over sex. You'll hurt your wife, your kids, and you'll assume the dishonorable-label of a cheating-bastard husband. Imagine her sitting-around with all her friends or sisters, describing you for the horrible man you would be! Make sure all your messages are deleted and your social media accounts and phone are blocked never to receive any further contact. Talk face-to-face when your wife is present.
Keep your cutsie little flirtations to yourself, or redirect them to your wife! I had to be harsh. This is serious! It might save a family and a marriage! Maybe not yours, but hopefully somebody's!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2019): I don't know what is going on, but I can tell you that there is a serious possibility that she is leading you on. I usually have to tell this to my female friends, who crush on some men who feed off of their emotion and attention.Some people crave attention and like to see others fall for them. It boost their egos. They are in their safe-zone and like to explore. Some go even further and really work on their "victims", stringing them along, getting the reactions they crave for. Now, why do you care if she likes you or not? So what if she does? What if she tell you that she is crazy about you and that she'll leave her husband for you? What then? Will THAT boost YOUR ego?If I were you I'd nip this in the bud. You have no idea how many marriages got wrecked because one of the partners played with fire because he/she was bored.Those who say "I have never and would never cheat" usually have no idea what they are talking about and therefore actually COULD do what they say they never have or would. I never cheated on my husband, but I did cheat on one of my bfs. We had been together for a long time and I was unhappy and didn't know how to leave him and was too scared to be alone, because the guy I cheated with was very married. I actually KNOW how terrible it feels to cheat and how easy it is to get there if you continue to "harmlessly" text, explore, be friendly with someone you have a crush on. "Kinda happy with things" you say... work on that so that you lose the "kinda" part. Don't feel guilty, understand this as a signal that there is something missing and figure out what it is and work on it. If it is something you can work on.
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