A
female
age
51-59,
*aisywheel19
writes:I have been married for about ten years. I married later in life, being a career person and single parent before that. At first I was wildly in love with my husband, and ignored several red flags, thinking that with someone to love him that they would change. Now I am at my wits end. The first thing was unmatched libido. I felt like I was always chasing him for sex, which took it's toll on my self esteem. I am a fairly attractive woman and used to turn down more dates than I can count. Now I am reduced to feeling as if I am some kind of nympho when I merely have a healthy drive. Over the last five years, I felt as if my passion for him is decreasing, and in addition I had developed some health problems that also made me lose a bit of interest, so the other night, I asked him how he felt about my diminished interest in our love life. His reply? He said that he was relieved not to have me pressing him for sex. I am so stunned and insulted that I am not sure what to do. In other areas we seem more like roommates than husband and wife. He is good about helping around the house, but his favorite pursuits involve spending hours sitting on his butt in front of his computer. He likes us to sit in front of the television for supper and I feel our connection has weakened over the years. Now, with this comment, I feel very angry and resentful. If anyone responds, please don't urge me to leave him - I can think of that myself. I just needed to vent, and hopefully hear from people who can relate, and perhaps hear how they handled a similar situation. Thanks for reading!
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libido, roommate, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2019):
 One thing does not negate the other. He is glad that now you are more in sync with your libido ,AND he felt before you were pressing him for sex. Recently you have stopped pressing him for sex, - hence your libidos are more in sync.
I can't see how the fact that he felt pressed for sex came as a stunning shocking revelation, when you say yourself that you always felt as if you were chasing ( your words ) him for sex.
It's normal that a prey being chased feels relieved when , for whatever reason, is not being chased anymore. Anyway, all's well that ends well, - now your libidos match; before they were mismatched. And most probably the mismatch had nothing at all to do with you and your sex appeal, but simply with different biochemical processes going on in your lives. Men's desire often declines after a certain age, while some women ( not all ,it's a very individual thing ) get even more amorous before/ during menopause. It's biology, you can't take it too personal :).
What I find slightly off is that this lack of drive, lack of passion, translates from the bedroom to other areas of your life. He is not keen of making love ( which may be a biological thing ) but he is also not keen to spend time with you, to share your interests, to make things to please you… It seems that you also have mismatched needs for closeness and ( non- physical ) intimacy. Now, if he always was like that, well, you knew what you were getting yourself, a man who sees marriage mainly as a stable ,comfortable alliance between friends - ( which may be perfectly allright , if both people are looking just, or mainly ,for that ). If instead there was passion ,romance, and excitement at the beginning, and it has dimmed down MORE than it is normal to expect in ten years, perhaps marriage counseling could be helpful. Because the suggestion to spend more time together, go out on dates etc., is good , of course : but if you are the one who has always to come up with coupley stuff, and make plans , and insist to se them carried out- then alas it's always " chasing " him, although not for sex...
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 September 2019):
 Your update was not showing when I posted my original post. Glad you have straightened things out and the comment was not meant as you thought.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2019):
Thanks for the update!
Glad you talked to him and got it cleared up.
As far as "bedroom fun" you two have to navigate with the changes. And that does take talking about it occasionally when things aren't as you would like them to be.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2019): As a woman your age I understand exactly what your feeling but honestly if he is experiencing a general loss of libido I wouldn’t take it personally . For myself and several of my friends of a similar age we are dealing with our men losing interest I. Is and showing lots of desire when looking at younger women either in real life or porn , now THATs an ego blow ! And makes it obvious that they simply don’t like our mature bodies and faces as much as younger women But if your man shows a loss of libido in general and in regards to all female images including you it’s not to do with you personally
Just keep enjoying what the two of you have and working on the intimacy you can share
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 September 2019):
You already KNEW your sex drive was higher than that of your husband. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. All that has happened is that he has openly acknowledged what you both knew was happening. Did you expect him to pretend he missed being expected to perform more often than he truly wanted? If the situation had been reversed, how happy would YOU have been being pressured to have sex when you didn't really want it? It's odd that, as a society, we tend to apply double standards to unmatched sex drives. If the man is the one wanting more sex, he is unfeeling and a brute and putting on the poor woman. If the situation is reversed however, as in your case, the man doesn't love the woman enough or feel attracted enough to her to have sex with her.
I think this is an ideal opportunity for you to sit down and work out compromises - on BOTH sides. You can rein in your libido a little (yes, you CAN) in exchange for more quality time spent together. That means him making time to converse with you, not sitting at his computer screen or watching tv. Go out to eat. Have date nights. Talk and listen to each other. Remind yourselves what it was that first drew the pair of you together. There was obviously an attraction there. Rediscover it. You have both allowed your relationship to go stale.
I do wonder if part of the problem is that you need sex to feel loved because he fails to show you in other ways? Perhaps that is the only way you can get his attention? If you feel this may be the case, explain that to him and promise to back off your physical demands if he makes more time for you in other ways. That way you may BOTH be happy.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2019): You already knew he had a lower sex drive than you, so you can't be surprised that he's relieved you two are more in sync now? How do you feel about your diminished libido?
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A
female
reader, daisywheel19 +, writes (24 September 2019):
daisywheel19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your kind perspective on all this, honeypie! I really love this guy, at times he feels like a good friend. And you are right about doing other things together. I am usually the one nudging him to come for a walk with me, or take a drive in the country. When I asked him to share how he would have felt had the shoe been on the other foot, he did say that he would have felt like some kind of selfish animal,had I told him I was relieved to not have him asking. But he did explain that what he meant was that he was relieved because we were more in sync with our libido. I feel relieved that I only misunderstood him, and that his comment wasn't meant to make me feel undesirable. I guess my ego took a big wallop that time!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2019):
OP, I think he was just being honest. And I get that it hurts to be told that he ACTUALLY felt pestered by your level of sex drive. The thing is HE never mentioned it UNTIL you asked. Because I think he knew that having sex when you asked would mean YOU would stay.
Would you rather he lie to you?
It's not that he doesn't find you attractive or sexy, he just hasn't had a very big libido and STILL tried to keep up with you. From his perspective he loves you as his best friend and companion. Sex was just an added on bonus but also chore. TRUST me, if YOU had been the one with the LOWER sex drive you would FEEL the same as him. THAT would be my guess.
It is odd that we (men and women) were created with such UNMATCHED sex drives. But that is how it works (in general) Men usually have a higher drive in their teens, 20, 30 and slow down in their mid-40 and women have a higher drive in their 30's and up until menopause. Maybe because biologically... at 30+ we weren't as fertile (originally with a shorter life-span) so sex because ENJOYMENT not the pursuit of reproduction. Where as men has ALREADY spread as many seeds in their younger days to ensure offspring.
I know that sounds so basic, but whether we like it or not... biologically, we ARE basic.
Maybe what you should consider is finding out what OUTSIDE of the house you two can do and ENJOY together. Be it hiking, travel, museums, theater, food... whatever, and GET out of the house TOGETHER and DO things.
And TALK to him, you two can STILL share intimacy (if you both chose to).
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