A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am writing to you because I feel I have no one to tell.I have been married for 20 years to a woman who is the mother of my three children (19, 17 1nd 12).We haven't had sex since before the birth of our youngest child and its killing me. In fact we haven't properly kissed, held hands or cuddled either. All I get is that "duck face" kiss you might get from your aunt.I have tried to bring my concerns to her attention but she becomes agressive and defensive. If I have a day off (say my birthday) and we are alone in the house together, she will try to make a fight so I don't ask for sex. I put up with this state of affairs for 10 years before deciding to see sex workers to assuage the lonliness, its not the same but its better than nothing. I'm not proud of myself but I need affection and even if it isn't real its better than what I have, I don't want to leave due to my 12 year old daughter and my 17 yeear old son who is profoundly disabled. I have tried to bring my concerns up but my wife perfers denial. I hereby make a vow to stop seeing sex workers if my wife gives me a proper kiss, an explanation of her thinking, or any sign of affection.I pay all the bills, I help out wth the chores, I do all the driving, I do my best. Please help, I don't know what to do,its a mess.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2017):
 Could your wife be suffering from depression, maybe it began after your last child, post natal? I can see she is in denial and you are probably at your wits end. I will never agree with cheating especially visiting sex workers but I do understand your frustrations. Step one, get yourself checked and make sure you did not pick up any nasty infections. Then secondly take a look at your wife from an outsiders point off view. Is she stressed? Does she work? Is she struggling with the children? Is she withdrawn?
Then look at her social life, does she make time for herself? Do things she enjoys spends time with friends outside off the house? If not then try and encourage her to get out more and enjoy herself.
Denial really is a horrible situation to get over. But you do just need to be firm. Tell her you both need to start talking about this marriage or else it is not going to work. You need to stand your ground on this. Tell her you love her but you cannot live like this any more. You need love and affection and passion. Not just sex but emotion. If she cannot give you that then tell her you have no choice but to leave. If she needs your help tell her you will both visit a professional. But you need to see as well that visiting sex workers may have made her paranoid about your infidelity. So maybe that needs to be addressed as well, but I cannot see it doing anything more than shattering her already fragile confidence.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): I must also wonder how you've shown her affection aside from sex, and how you treat your totally disabled child? What is your method of discipline towards the children, and how openly do you express your love to your family? These are all important factors. You usually get what you give in a marriage.
If a mother notices her children are not being treated with the love she gives them from their father, she will feel absolutely numb towards him. Trust me on that!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): Your situation is heartbreaking. It's sad to love and desire someone who can't find it in herself to please you. However; sir you're putting yourself at risk with sex-workers. Condoms can't protect you from everything.
You shouldn't stay with someone because of the children. Not even one that is profoundly disabled. Shared-custody is meant to resolve those issues. If you just don't like the idea of splitting it down the middle and paying child-support; I guess I'd understand that more.
You're cheating on the marriage for sex; but is there any love between you and your spouse? That is what determines why you remain with her, don't use the children as an excuse. If the sole issue is sex; then there may be some underlying medical issues that require evaluation and treatment as a last resort.
First of all, people who avoid such important issues in a marriage probably no longer love you. Be prepared for that possibility. How can she expect her husband to go indefinitely without sex, and not be concerned that he will cheat or leave her?
She has no right to hold on to you simply for the financial-support. If she shows absolutely no affection, you can't just attribute that to a low sex-drive, vaginal dryness (which makes sex extremely painful), or low estrogen levels. Sounds like she's just not feeling anything for you. She has shutdown emotionally.
To be honest, if you can bring yourself to cheat on her, but not to leave her; that brings up some very interesting questions.
How and why? I don't think suffering through it makes any sense. You need love. You deserve and desire affection, and such things can't be purchased nor faked.
Risking STD's and being discovered, or getting caught by the police just is not a wise route to take. Arrest could cost you your job, dignity, and your standing in the community. Your kids would despise you. She'll find out eventually and divorce you anyway. Only under very hostile conditions.
I suggest you sit her down and insist she listen to you. You must explain to her that the lack of affection is justification for divorce. You must understand and know if she has any feelings for you at all. Not just about sex, sir. I mean if she wants to be married to you for any other reason than your income to support your disabled child.
I'll also give her benefit of the doubt; because she has no voice in this. Have you always been faithful and kind to her? Are you a loving father to your children? Is it possible she is aware of cheating, or porn? Women don't just turn against you unless they have another lover, you are unkind to the children, or you've been a total dick to them.
So go back, rethink how you should address this matter; without sex-workers, and all above board.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 January 2017):
 I wish I could sympathize with you but the fact of the matter is that you have been cheating on your wife and there is absolutely no justification for that.
You have no idea what your wife is going through and of you haven't been able to get it out of her then it's a failure on your part. I refuse to believe that she just stopped having sex one fine day. She did have three kids with you after all and that must have entailed quite a bit of sexual activity. Yes, she must have had a drop in her libido after the birth of your children but if there was a serious problem then you, as her husband, should have come to her aid.
If it's painful for you to have gone without sex for 10 years, then it's hasn't been easy for her either, trust me. Obviously you are lacking in an emotional connection which has led to this state. To add to it you have three children to take care of and one child is severely disabled. Can you imagine the trauma that your wife goes through everyday, taking care of him? And no, there is no way you feel the same way, because of you had, you wouldn't have cheated on her and on your family.
You're an incredibly selfish man. You say that you take a vow to stop seeing sex workers if your wife shows affection to you or holds hands with you. Are you kidding me? Are you, a grown man, really THAT superficial? This woman has invested her life taking care of you, your children and your family and you're making a bargain here to justify your shortcomings? My dear sir, if she didn't love you then she would have walked out on you and your children. She would have thrown your disabled son into a hospice and walked out with your daughter. Did she do any of that? Did she have an affair?
The least you owed her after all that you went through was a kind word and a shoulder to lean on. Paying the bills and driving don't make the cut, sorry. You are making this all about you and your sob story when you didn't even stop to think of the other person.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 January 2017):
 She may get defensive but you need to stay firm.
10years is an extraordinary amount of time not to sleep with your wife if you've still got a sex drive. You need to not be confrontational and looking to fight, but try to help her see it from your point of view and then encourage her to share her side so you have the full picture.
It may be worth suggesting marriage councilling and if that fails the only other option is to suggest an open relationship. I don't think it's fair that she's stopped all intimacy without an explanation when you have needs that should be fulfilled.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (28 January 2017):
This is very difficult for you and very hard to handle.You seem a very kind ,caring man,and i can also understand the reason you decided to go to sex-workers.However this is not the answer...it is only make the situation More difficult to handle and also you will feel isolated and lonely.First and foremost you will have to have a chat with your wife,and try to explain how you feel,your need for her love,and loving and friendship.Would you consider going as a couple [1] To a doctor,[2]Going on what the doctor advise,maybe talk to a counsellor.This situation between you and your wife needs to be sorted out SOONER rather than later.Immediate attention is required.Kind Regards NORA.B.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 January 2017):
 Sending HUGS as this sounds so sad.
You both sound like good people who have been dealt a challenging hand in life. Having a disabled child is hard work, physically and emotionally. It is draining and your wife - as primary carer, I assume - probably feels this even more acutely than you do, as you can have a "break" from it while you are at work.
She has lost contact with any feelings of being a woman. She is simply "mum" and mums just get on with looking after the family. She refuses to talk about your issues with physical contact because it is easier to just push them "out of sight, out of mind" rather than burden herself with more things to worry about. Don't blame her for going into denial when you try to bring up the subject; it is merely a defence mechanism, a survival instinct. She probably feels guilty about her lack of physical affection towards you.
Can you start to come home and just give her a hug (even if it is from the back, as she is doing the dishes or whatever). Do this without any agenda of expecting anything back. At first she will probably stiffen and wonder where you are hoping this will lead. If you do it every day without pushing things further, she will come to relax and realize she has no reason to feel "threatened". Hopefully in time, she will return the gesture. Then you can build on that - but take things slowly, otherwise she will spook and you will be back to square one. Treat her like a frightened wild animal - small amounts of contact regularly but nothing too much too soon. After all these years of no physical contact, it will all feel very new and scary.
Your other option is to see a councillor. If you wife won't go with you, go alone to unload your feelings.
Remember your wife is not holding back physically to spite you or punish you. She is doing it because she probably cannot offer you any more than she is doing at present. Show her the way gently and very very slowly. Treat her like a woman, not a mum. Can you take her out for a meal occasionally, so she gets a break from the children? Can you buy her a small gift occasionally - nothing too excessive as that is not what women want, just something thoughtful - her favourite chocs perhaps, or a book by her favourite author, or a CD by someone she likes? Do this without agenda, without expecting something physical in return, and your wife may start feeling like a woman again and being more affectionate towards you.
Good luck. I do hope this helps in some small way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): You both should go for marriage counselling. Maybe she went through hormonal changes after the birth of your youngest which killed her libido. Has she asked a doctor about it?
Go for counselling and see what they suggest. Intimacy is very important in a relationship and if she isn't giving it to you then you need to tell her that this can be a deal breaker. At least you both should know why the situation is how it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): I would think that you owed it to each other to sit down in counselling before it got to this point. You should have given your wife an ultimatum before seeing the sex workers. You should have told her, this is it, our marriage is in jeopardy, either you go to counselling with me, or our marriage is on the rocks. However, you didn't do that. At this point I don't know if you will be able to work it out. It sounds like she has major psychological blocks about sex, and finding out you cheated will just make that 100x worse. I would still demand she tell you why she deprived you of sex for years, what it was that caused that. Maybe she thought you were being unfaithful.
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