A
female
age
36-40,
*loudnine
writes:I am having difficulty sleeping with my husband. We have been together for the past 6 years but our relationship seems to deteriorate by the day. In the beginning we couldn’t keep our hands off each other but these days the very thought of being intimate with him makes me sick and I no longer feel attracted to him. Sometimes we have good days where I remember how strongly I felt for him but for the most part I feel really sad and lonely about the situation.We constantly argue about the lack of sex in our relationship but the more he makes an issue out of it, the more it drives me away from him - the less I want to sleep with him, and when I do, it is only to stop arguments. I feel horrible about the situation. I wish there was something I could do. I would even consider talking some kind of medication to make me have a higher sex drive but I think the problem is either psychological or hormonal.I have sat for hours over analyzing what the problem could be and I’m completely stumped. I know I do love him but I’m just not too sure whether I am in love with him or whether these feelings (or lack of) were triggered by something else. The situation is causing major problems and I think if it remains the same, we will likely get divorced.Our relationship hasn’t always been perfect, we used to argue and even got into physical fights in the past – something which used to happen when he was unemployed and going through depression. I just remember all those fights, the negativity I had towards him and it still makes me so angry. Whenever he tries to engage in anything physical, even kissing, I can’t get excited by him no matter how much I try. This is made worse whenever I see other couples and how they treat each other. I get so bitter that our relationship has been smeared by his behavior and doesn't seem as pure as it should have been. For those who think I'm being too dramatic, I'll give you an example of something he did which has stayed with me. When we signed our marriage papers, we walked home and got into an argument after a silly bout of play fighting got a bit out of hand. He got so angry that he marched back into the registry office and ripped up our marriage document in front of two workers and myself. He's no longer like that and has apologised profusely for his past actions, but I can't seem to forget them.Is it possible that I can’t just forgive him for how he's made me feel?Another possibility I thought of was the fact that I am using the Evra contraceptive patch. I heard certain types of hormonal contraceptives can affect sex drive. Is there any evidence for this? I haven’t come across anything online. My sex drive plummeted after we moved in with each other a year and a half ago – roughly when I began taking the patch. However it could also be the outcome of the chemistry just disappearing between us.Please do help. I don’t know what else to do. We are currently not talking properly and sleeping in different beds. He can’t sleep next to me because he gets turned on, and knows I won’t satisfy him willingly, so he often just lies awake in frustration. Thanks in advance.
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divorce, kissing, moved in, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Sex is great but it is not the end all be all for a good marriage. We've been together 50 years and I can't remember the last time we had sex but it is well over five years. Oh well, it was good when we did have it. Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you.
A
female
reader, Cloudnine +, writes (26 December 2012):
Cloudnine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
Thanks very much for your answers. I have raised the possibility of going to couples counseling with him in the past but he's less keen on the idea. He thinks we can sort things out ourselves and don't need anyone else to 'meddle' in our affairs. He says I just need to face the problem and relax around him. All I seem to do is force myself to sleep with him but he can sense it's not a sincere effort because I'm not turned on and hardly ever orgasm. It makes the sex uncomfortable for me and I end up dreading it even more.
You guys are right though. I think that's the only way we can save our marriage is by going to couples counseling or, if he's not willing, I will go by myself.
Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 December 2012):
 I agree with the other poster. You have anger in your marriage that you are holding onto. When you do, you set up mental blocks. These mental blocks are causing you to see your husband through the anger you are holding onto. This is damaging your marriage.
What is anger but the attempt to make someone else feel guilty? You need to understand that this is more of a personal issue, rather than being a marital issue. You can get back to "intimacy" only if you are willing to release the anger from the past, and love today and every day as if it were your last day to experience love. Love and marriage is a beautiful thing, but you're not allowing yours to be what it can be. Instead of focusing on the flaws someone may have, focus on what you appreciate about them. When you do love can be within the two of you.
Sex is not about satisfying another, it's about connecting. If you look at it as a chore or duty, as any chore, it'll become mundane. But it can become an exciting part of your marraige if you desire to truly connect with one another. You can turn this around by looking at love and marriage differently, and by clensing your heart of the angers from the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): If you are disgused by intimacy toward him then you're not in love with him and possibly need to go your own separate ways for the sanity of both of you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 December 2012):
 There are deep seated issues in your marriage. The passion existed in the beginning. The fact that you are asking for help means that you do care and you do want to set things to move forward in the right direction, towards greater happiness in your marriage and sexually fulfillment.
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Without doubt I can see that you need Marriage Guidance counselling first. Consult your Citizen's Advice Bureau for the most convenient therapist in your area.
Concurrently I would definitely suggest that you explore one of the very many professional sex therapists in your country.
The United Kingdom is enlightened and well advanced in the professional way that affordable sexual therapy is available to people and couples.
Here is some information on that:
http://www.cosrt.org.uk/
http://www.sda.uk.net/st
Eventually once you have worked through the hurt that has accumulated over some years and if the counselling and the sexual therapy goes well then you will be ready for some suggestions to actually improve your sex life.
Don't rush it. You are capable of re-igniting the spark that once existed between the two of you.
Without doubt you are not yet ready for the article below. Maybe later when your marriage improves a little. With some good therapy, then it may be time to consider some of the suggestions below. But please get the therapy first as it is so obvious that you both desperately need that first.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/spicing-up-your-sex-life.html
I wish you much happiness in the future. With good counselling and some therapy this marriage can get back on to a less bumpy path.
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