A
male
age
36-40,
*ilvers
writes:Hey so i work with my gf and we have this male coworker who is engaged. but he is always giving my gf a little gift like once a month. it could be some bread he baked or the last thing was a pack of paper clips with a note saying he hopes this brightens her day. the male coworker is a nice guy, he knows we are together and is always positive. i don’t mind the little gifts but the little notes that he leaves bothers me. i feel like he wouldn’t do that for a male co-worker. i’m not sure who would unless they were truly good friends. in my experience guys don’t just do that for friends/coworkers. it seems to me he’s playing the long nice guy game. i’ve mentioned this to her not in detail but she just says he’s a good thoughtful friend. even though they’re not really friends outside of work. am i overreacting? what should i do? has anybody ever been in this situation. also all of her relationship has been with a “friend” who she’s known for a while including me.. so it’s hard to see what’s really going on. somebody help. thanks
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 August 2018):
 I think you should be asking a completely different question, i.e. something along the lines of "how can I work on my relationship and make it strong so that I am not left feeling insecure because a co-worker gives my girlfriend little gifts?"
As your girlfriend obviously enjoys getting thoughtful little gifts, do YOU ever do the same for her? Give her a little something occasionally (it can be something you have made or just a trinket you know she will like). There is nothing to stop YOU leaving her little notes.
From what you have written, I am reminded of a couple of my own male colleagues at work who occasionally give me little gifts to show their appreciation. One bought me a couple of bottles of his favourite beer recently (I like beer) and left them with a note saying "Thanks for all your help. Hope you like these as much as I do." Another periodically brings me gifts of cat food as he knows I work with animal rescues. He bought me a pot noodle once as we had been talking about them at work and he saw a new flavour. He left a note saying "Saw this new flavour and thought you might like to try it." There is nothing sinister or dubious about the gifts from either man. They are just little tokens to brighten someone's day - and it WORKS!
I think, instead of griping that this man is trying to brighten your girlfriend's day, you should look for ways YOU can do the same. If your relationship is strong, you will not feel insecure about this man.
A
male
reader, silvers +, writes (24 August 2018):
silvers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone who answered. i do feel like it’s not a big deal, but why does he only give her gifts and not others when i know they are not friends outside of work.. also i do give her little gifts and big gifts. i k ow she doesn’t look at it more than a friendly gesture. i still think it’s the long game he’s playing. it definitely could be my own insecurities. so i guess i do nothing about it unless it escalates to bigger gifts. thanks again everyone. any other insights would be appreciated.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 August 2018):
 Gifts? Some paper clips and some bread. It's highly unlikely he gave her the bread and nobody else - you just might not notice or know the person.
It sounds like he's just being friendly and your girlfriend has no discomfort from it either.
I'd try not to worry unless the notes are flirty. To be honest, maybe you need to step up your appreciation game if you feel unnerved by some friend trying to brighten her day with food and office supplies....
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 Honestly it sounds to me like he is just a nice guy. It doesn't appear like he is being flirty with her or expecting anything from her. Maybe he sees her as a good friend and is thoughtful? Am not sure I can only go with what you have wrote, but bread and paper clips sound like kind gestures, nothing more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2018): {EDIT]:
"Maybe you don't give her little thoughtful-gifts or enough romantic sweet-talk; and your guilt is getting to you?"
Post script:
Personally, I think he's just being a nice-guy. You're jealous; because you don't have that touch!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2018): They're friends at work, and he knows you are aware of the gifts. Paper-clips and bread don't exactly sound very romantic. The notes are sappy and not much meaning to be concerned about.
More is going on in your mind than in the reality of it all. He's engaged, you know about the gifts, and your girlfriend is relishing and basking in your jealousy.
Maybe you don't give her little thoughtful-gifts o enough romantic sweet-talk; and your guilt is getting to you?
Tokens of affection say a lot to women; and they look for it. They'll take it wherever they can get, when they're starved for it. Provided they're not cheating and having an affair. Since everyone has given their take on it; I'll take a different angle.
Sorry, but in my opinion; it doesn't warrant any reaction unless the gifts get progressively personal or expensive. If he openly flirts with your girlfriend, and she seems to flirt back. You've got a problem.
Just keep your silly mess outside your job. Get stupid and you'll lose your job over petty jealousy and nonsense.
If she ogles excessively over his gifts; then the problem is your girlfriend. She doesn't set boundaries or care about your feelings. She likes being in the middle and manipulating stupid-men against each other. Enjoying men fighting over her, and feeding her ego. When you've had enough, dump her! How she handles things like this tells you where she stands. Either that, or step-up your game. If you don't show her affection; you're losing her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 August 2018):
 If your GF is the same age as you, then she is OLD enough to know if this is a platonic friendship or not.
How ever, YOU can tell her you feel uncomfortable with him gifting her little gifts, as you find it inappropriate and unnecessary. SHE can then choose how SHE wants to handle it.
(if she tells you she thinks it's totally fine, ASK her how she would feel if YOU (her BF) did the same to a girl you work with... that might make her think.
I had a coworker who would bring me back chocolate from wherever he went on business (I was the one booking his flights and hotels) and he also had a fiance, but it was NEVER meant as anything remotely romantic, he was just being nice. Maybe it is the same with this guy?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2018): You dont want to demonize his kindness and your suspicions are awake.Perhaps its going back to memories of how you met.If he brings something nice for your girlfriend maybe he is just trying to keep the office environment pleasant with a place for him.Do you know if the guy is gay?It would look odd if he were giving thoughtful little gifts to you.What if he invites you to his wedding?Dont you know he will expect a thoughtfully chosen gift to go with the occasion.I'm surprised you havent spoken with him about his partner.It must be a bit frosty in your workplace if you never talk to the person as a person but are busy maintaining heirarchy and distance.You could always get to know the guy a bit more.Maybe even buy a box of biscuits for him and the fiannce.I dont see how a little kindness and niceness goes amiss.Not everyone gives gifts expecting sex in return.So review your life and ask yourself if you are calculating and expect everyone else to be the same.It seems odd to me that you have 30 nights of every month to do something pleasant with your girlfriend.But you feel threatened by one bit of niceness once a month by a guy who is already engaged.I have no magic formula for you and you must be living a very full life but you must find time to be nice to your girlfriend yourself if you want to be happy.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (23 August 2018):
Your girlfriend likes the attention and the gifts. It strokes her ego to have a boyfriend and another guy mooning after her. Her continuing to take these gifts is disrespectful to you and to your relationship. When she tells you it’s nothing she is gaslighting you.
It is time for you to tell her straight up how you feel about her actions because it is her accepting the gifts that is the problem. Her reaction will tell you where this relationship stands.
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