A
female
age
41-50,
*jrabbit
writes:Help! I've been in an on again off again long distance relationship with a younger man for about a year. He came on very strong, consistent, and attentive, and things were great. He would call, text, we had weekly face time dates, and he would send me really sweet gifts. After spending a long weekend together out of town last December, he disappeared. He changed his mind about a relationship and I was devastated. Now he has popped in and out of my life. The last time he said he was single and it wasn't true. When confronted, disappeared again. He came back to me asking for another chance over the summer. I agreed hesitantly after he promised to make more of an effort. I flew out to visit him. It's been 8 weeks, and he hasn't been able to do 1 face time date. All communication is rushed and forced. Our few face time calls never lasted for more than a couple of minutes, and phone calls are short too. He does communicate daily, but usually through text. I prefer calls. He doesn’t care. He seems very disinterested in being with me and what's going on in my life. He can't express or show having any feelings for me. When confronted, he blames me, saying that I ruin everything by constantly pointing out the things that are wrong. I just want him to honor his word, and for things to be like they were in the beginning. I am an attractive woman, and finding dates is easy, but I have no desire to be with anyone else. I tried showing him that other men are interested. He really doesn't seem to care at all, and is confident that he is better than anyone else . The really confusing part is that he *insists* he wants to be with me, and that I'm being impossible. The truth is, given the betrayal of trust and the other woman, I **need** him to put in that effort so that I can feel safe and secure again. He does things like calling me for a few minutes at lunch time to say that he is going home to take a nap and disappearing for the rest of the day and night. Am I being paranoid? Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do the things he says he is going to do? I should mention that he is a busy person (in the military), but I'm a working divorced mom of two. I don't want to lose him, but staying with him under these circumstances feels horrible too. I really love this man and have not been able to truly move on, and I still mourn the loss of the perfect relationship we had in the beginning.Ms. Heartbroken
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 You may have made mistakes in the past taking him back, but look to the future now. You have done the right thing and you have finished with him. Cut all contact and give yourself some space. You did do the right thing, and he will regret treating you the way that he did. Bravo for finishing things. Hopefully you meet someone who does not treat you like this. But firstly concentrate on yourself and your own happiness.
A
female
reader, cjrabbit +, writes (13 September 2016):
cjrabbit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone,
Thank you for the feedback. Sometimes getting the perspective of others really helps point out the obvious. Things were great in the beginning bc it suited his needs. He was overseas and I was I guess entertaining. He was probably lonely, so being consistent was easy. When he came home, after the long flight he drove to met me. After that, things were still good and we met up again. He was home now, surrounided by familiar things and I was no ger prioritized. He definitely use me to pass time. He may very well be in a relationship. Once a liar, always a liar. Believe me when I tell you that people were surprised we were together; surprised that I wasn't with someone more equally yoked. I totally own my stupidity on this one, but tat doesn't negate the fact that he's a terrible person. This too shall pass. A good friend just told me, "Don't sweat it,ma! They come, they go!"
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A
female
reader, cjrabbit +, writes (13 September 2016):
cjrabbit is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindy: The on/off was not because I kept letting him reappear. It was me who was walking away when words and actions didn't meet. It was remarkably stupid to keep giving chances, but he wasn't the one walking away. He never said there was no relationship. Quite the contrary, he insisted that it not only was a relationship, but demanded exclusivity. The irony is that he was t being exclusive. It's confusing when words and actions don't match. I've made my peace with it. No more chances. I broke up with him before I submitted this. He insists he's done nothing wrong, and that I left him for nothing and will regret it. In my mind, if this is the bes he can do, I'm not interested. Honestly, the situation with the other girl was something I forgave, but any forget. I agree that he has been using me as a back up plan. The irony is, and not be be conceited bc I have plenty of flaws, I'm a very attractive woman. I get asked out several times a day. Coworkers, parents, strangers......i just am having a hard time letting this one go. I think I'm just tired and afraid to start over.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 But the perfect relationship was perfect just for the first 3 months ,right ?
You met him on line about a year ago, so, say last September : he came on strong, then you had your long weekend together in December- he got his curiosisty fulfilled, and as soon as he got his fill of intimacy , physical and otherwise , with you, he was ready to begin new adventures, as he punctually did .
That he popped up on and off later on, just means that he is keeping you on the back burner because you are good enough as a convenient plan B when he is short of better options. So, what you are expecting from him, is, in a way , unreasonable. I mean, it would be reasonable if yours had been a serious relationship which hit a snag at some point and needs to be brought back on track again. But ramdom on and off ? with some rushed , meaningless chats in between ? .... "On and off " is the kiss of death, and a crystal clear sign that the person is not that bothered. If he were actually interested... it would be on all the time, even with occasional arguments or problems and not always at whirlwind courtship and fairytale level.
I can understand that you got blindsided the first time , and that you were too happy to notice any red flag, - or maybe being taken adavantage of was inevitable then, because really there were no red flags ( some people are really good at "selling " themselves ).
But, he pulls a Houdini on you, and then you take him back ? Again and again ? And also, he comes back as
" single " , and you have to find out later that it was a lie ?...
Sorry but- " first time shame on you , second time shame on me ". You can't bring the " relationship " back to what it was, because you have no relationship, just occasional dalliances with a selfish and promiscuous guy who obviously can wrap you around his pinkie, even if his M.O. is evident and his intentions (" no relationship" ) were made pretty clear both verbally ( he said it ) and by his following actions.
Of course it must feel horrible to stay with him, in these circumstances, and , I suspect, in any other circumstances ( players and liars do not make the best partners ). But it is a kind of terrible that you embrace voluntarily and naively, in fear of "losing him " .. You can't lose what you did not have to begin with.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 September 2016):
 You you are not paranoid. If inwere a betting person, I'd bet everything in my bank account that he's in a relationship either with that same woman or a different one. Either way, you are feeling the way you do because he's seeing someone else and all his free time is consumed by that. He's lying to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): HiWould you say that you are happy? Would you say that he is interested in listening to what is making you unhappy. Would you say that he wants to make you happy and is willing to change things or just wants you to put up and shut up?Do you feel that trust is broken and he wants to restore your trust?From your post it sounds as if you are very unhappy, he couldn't care less, wants you to put up and shut up and make do with the very little attention, time and effort that he wants to make. It also sounds as if he has the chance to see whoever else he wants to and that judging by his behaviour, he might just be.There are loads of other men in the world. Why on earth are you giving this creep the satisfaction of knowing that he can treat you like a piece of crap and you're still around saying, 'Yes please, treat me like shit some more'. Cut him off and feel your self esteem rise. Yes, he has attracted you and you want him, but he is NOT the man you want him to be and he never will be.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (12 September 2016):
What do you get out off this relationship? It sounds to me like he is not interested at all, if he is then he has a funny way of showing it to you. Maybe he is right though maybe you do complain all the time to him and that is why he is dropping contact. He needs to make more of an effort though. He sounds dishonest, he lied that he was single, that would be a deal breaker for me as it makes him a cheat. Am sorry to say that it sounds like he might just be wasting your time.
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