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male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes: Please don't tell me to talk to a consellor, my granny and pawpaw don't like it bc their Pentecostal. I live with them, their my dads parents and my dad is in Colorado. My mom is in Oklahoma and so is her dad but he is in a group home. He's OK, he just has PTSD because of Vietnam when he was in the navy. My other granny died. She did most of everything with me but she was in a wheelchair and lost a leg since she had heart problems and diabetes and she was on oxygen. So it was hard to get her out because she was pretty big. She raised me mostly. My mom did too, but she drank a lot and shot up. I'm not being mean. She was a good mom.But when we were cleaning my granny's trailer I found these old cards. The square ones that 1999-2000 on them. That was a long time ago but I took them.My friend's dad keeps everything too and in his attic was a old computer. I took it and we were about to scrap it but I hooked it up. It was real slow but I made it work and we figured out how to use the card. It was a diary where she wrote me letters before I was bornShe wanted to give me away but she said they wouldn't let her. How my dad was mean and wanted to do if she left. She wanted to give me away and move to Mexico. She only kept me because she had to. But she had to give me away because of drugsI remember that she was crying and talking to the police and told me I could move to a different state with Granny and pawpaw and she would come backShe didn't. She never came. I thought it was drugs but did she just always hate me? Don't tell me to go to a consellor. I'm not allowed to
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female
reader, SydneySidney  +, writes (18 September 2016):
She didn't hate you.When she got pregnant she didn't even know you yet. She was young and had her own problems and wasn't prepared to care for a baby. None of this has anything to do with who you are.There could be several reasons she never came back. Drugs are a likely one. Drugs cause people to stop feeling emotions. So someone that is using drugs regularly can't really feel love or hate. Another possibility is she feels guilty for leaving you and is scared to see you and face that guilt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2016): I would say you were her miracle child!In her heart she probably wanted to explain the motherly love she had for you, but she knew she was an addict and God had only given her the chance to have a perfect child but not to raise her beautiful baby herself because she was probably told she was in no fit state to raise a child and that's where your grandparents stepped in and promised to give you a decent childhood so that you didn't get raised in care!Your mum was under the influence of harmful substances and she accepted that she could fall comatose or pass out so the small innocent child (you) would be endangered!Poor mum! ?She had the gift of life but her capacity to raise you was impaired by her habits!I expect Mum sang to you in her womb and prayed for you and was delighted to give birth to a beautiful girl!Perhaps she was even headed for jail, but her memories of you will always be of a baby so innocent and perfect that she didn't want anything to endanger you!Take courage as your understanding will increase as you get older and be proud of the happiness you have bought to the relatives who raised you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): You're talking about a "hard" floppy disc. :-) I asked my teen if he knew what it was (showed him a picture) and he blanked on the name. Its possible your mom was just venting and never expected you to read it. Or, she had no idea what technology would do 16 years later. Sounds like she had it rough: her own parents had health problems and while they helped you, she probably was overwhelmed with responsibility for all three of you. I'm not saying that's an excuse for drug use. Also, wanting to give you up and run away to Mexico may have been to escape your father. If he was mean, he may have threatened her into staying. I don't know Colorado or Oklahoma law, but she may have needed permission to give you up. Maybe he wanted to prevent that.I'm sorry that you had to move states and live with grandparents who were strangers to you. Do you have contact with your mom at all? What about your father or maternal grandfather? Maybe your maternal grandfather would be a nice connection. If he's "OK" but mentally I'll, he might not be able to raise you but maybe he'd like hearing from you. At least it doesn't sound like he's mean or drug addicted. A pen-and-paper letter might mean a lot and maybe he can give you insight into your mom before she started using drugs.As for counseling, I think several churches are against it because psychology leaves no room for sin or moral failings. Ex, a psychologist may say drug abuse comes from low self worth and PTSD comes from trauma while a church may say drug use comes from selfishness and PTSD comes from not trusting God. But churches who don't like psychology are the EXCEPTION not the rule. Really, they both have a point although I over simplified it.Do you like and trust your pastor or some other men at church? Is there a youth group? If you want, getting involved may help. It really does help to reach out to others. You sound like you have a compassionate heart. But no, I do not think your mom hates you at all. It sounds like since before you were born she wanted to keep you SAFE from drugs and abuse and she was afraid she would never escape. She felt she had no choice. It sounds like drugs kept their hold on her anyway. Maybe she's going no contact because she doesn't want you to keep being heartbroken.I wish I could hug you
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 September 2016):
 I fully agree with the others. It absolutely doesn't sound at all like she hated you. Her actions suggest that she knew she was an unfit parent, so she wanted you in the care of someone better able to raise you.
Was it a selfish decision on your mom's part? It's quite possible! But I very highly doubt it had anything to do with hating you or even rejecting you. She didn't do what many parents have done like dropping you off at a hospital for the state to put you in an orphanage. She wanted you raised by who she believed was the best choice, AND because they're related and in her family, she intended to re-establish connection with you, as opposed to simply putting you up for adoption leaving you to wonder who your mom was.
I can also say this from personal experience, that while she didn't hate YOU, she was caught in drug addiction, and the feelings between her and your dad were more of a source of conflict for her. You were an unfortunate collateral damage of your mom's rough life.
My final offer of proof is in that the diary existed in the first place. Parents who hate their kids don't leave diaries filled with regrets to their kids. Your mom hated herself for her own failing. She didn't hate you.
You have a few years until you can make your own choices about seeing a therapist. Hang in there until you're old enough to, because it *is* a good thing for you to do. But in the meantime, I'm 100% sure your mom did not and does not hate you. I know it feels that way, and I know you feel like you were rejected by her. That is not the case.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 September 2016):
 She may have understood that she was not in the right state to be a parent. She may think what she's doing is best for you, and that you are better off with your grandparents. It could be that she couldn't really see past the drugs, and they have clouded her priorities. Maybe she is ashamed to come back. Maybe, despite her promise, she is not welcome back, or thinks she may not be welcome back. There are so many possible answers, you may never receive the answer, but to choose for her that the answer is she hated you isn't fair to her or you. You have the power to embrace the unknowable, or to choose an answer that makes you feel less crappy. If I were you, I would try to forgive your mother for her shortcomings, and work on loving yourself.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 September 2016):
 I can't imagine that she hated you. My guess is that she was selfish and had addiction problems. I guess people who are addicted to drink and drugs only think of themselves and she probably did not want a baby holding her back. If she was a good mom then she probably did try her hardest, but it sounds like drugs just kept pulling her back.
I know that it must be hard for you, but you are lucky that you have your grand parents. I am sure you must be angry with your mom, but you must let that go, you are not the problem here, she is. Maybe when you turn 18 and you are officially an adult you can travel to see you mum and ask her these questions.
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