A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:How do we figure out the importance of being true to your own vision versus what is actually best for you. The only way I feel I have grown as a person is by listening selectively to people to see how they think I can improve also combined with my own sense of who I am. I recognise that you only grow when u meet challenges and experiment with how you deal with them.Just as a superficial example which isn't actually important, i have a dear friend who has decided to grow his hair long, i think it doesn'tlook very good, people often comment on how this previously extremely handsome guy is sabotaging his own looks. He only listens to the two or three people who tell him it looks good, because thats what he wants to hear.He loves having long hair and then often complains about how he doesnt get the guys he wants, im sure if he cut his hairat least physically he'd be in with a chance. But when this is suggested to him he gets angry and aggressive. He is a strong proponent of the ideaof "just doing you" i.e. being true to your own vision. He is a very loving and unconditionally supportive friend and I value him greatly. But alsoas someone who cares I think it isn't doing him any favours. I understand if everyone was the same we'd live in a boring world. But I alsothink there is a level of arrogance in ignoring everyone's advice and doing ur own thing. My question to Dearcupid is we are encouraged to always follow our hearts and only follow what we think, my thoughts are its a combination of our own gut instinct and also accrueing advice of others.If it becomes tilted too much on our own view or the views of others, its not good. His view is mostly what he thinks and I see that as a bit self absorbed and maybe a tad arrogant. If someone decided to wear a black trash bag around, and they loved how they felt, but also didn't show how beautiful they are, do we intervene or unconditionally accept them? Also if we are always true to ourselves and begin to realise our friends have different interests/tastes, do we meet inthe middle and compromise or let the friendships drift apart because at end of the day we have to do what we love/feel? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 Not more entitled and arrogant than tryng to impose on them what you * think * it's best for them.
How do you know ? Who made you the arbiter elegantiarum in matters of haircuts ?.....
Maybe he does not look that bad with long hair and the people who compliment him are right. Maybe he does look bad with long hair, and he does not care, he is looking for the kind of guy who would appreciate him based on other qualities and values than a bad haircut ! Maybe ( and probably ) his lack of luck with the guys has got nothing to do with his hairstyle.
You can be honest with a friend without being offensive,pushy or overbearing. If he asks your opinion about his hair, you can say : personally I really prefer you with short hair.
Then leave it at that. The use that he wants to do with your comment , taking it on board or ignoring it, it's up to him and should have no bearing on your loyalty or closeness as a friend.
As a friend your role is not to direct their life and having them follow your choices - even in case you DO know better .It's to support them WHILE they live their own life and make their own choices.
Of course, it's a matter of common sense, and some circumstances may justify, or require, a more forceful intervention. If your friend had decided to start doing heavy drugs after a lifetime of being clean, yes, a good friend would try a more hands-on approach and that would be OK.
But- hairstyles and pulling guys ?.... Geeee- just back off.. He'll figure out on his own what works for him. By trial and error. Like everybody does, and has the right to do.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 You should have said, "I think short hair suits you better" and stopped there instead of attributing his failure in dates to his long hair, which is outside your judgment. You don't know for sure his long hair is a turn off for other guys, or that his 3 friends that liked his hair was just being polite and friendly. It could be that he hasn't met the right guy yet. I think if you like a the person inside and out, it shouldn't matter if your hair is not your best style.
At the same time, I believe you should be able to speak whatever's on your mind. Your friend took offense because he has his own reason of liking his long hair, and he's sure he's not the only one with that opinion. When you spoke your truth it made it sound like he has no aesthetic sense.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (12 September 2016):
 Love, whether romantic or platonic, comes with acceptance. If you care for a friend or partner then you accept their foibles. You accept the whole package. The bit you love is not on the outside.
They may be going through a phase; they may be experimenting with a look; it could be you that hasn't 'got it', whatever that might be. So I would say give an opinion if it seems appropriate but don't let it cloud your friendship.
If your friend has a lesson to learn they will come to it in their own time and in their own way. Be glad you are part of their journey as they are part of yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): Trying to tell other people how to be and what to wear etc is controlling. You might think something looks bad and others may agree with you, but the opinion that matters is the one that belongs to the person who is sporting their look. THEY like it and that's what's important. One could ask other people for their opinions, but you end up being a mish mash of what everyone else thinks and not being yourself. I never ask anyone their opinions on what I wear as I can see for myself what looks good and if others don't agree it doesn't bother me. I'm being me. It's called confidence. People like this are trend setters, people who follow their own way and are not swayed but others. It's an attractive trait, rather than trying to please others. You can't please everyone and nor should you try. Accept people for who they are. You're not the fashion police. What makes you qualified for the job? They have their tastes. You have yours.
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