A
female
age
36-40,
*hinkerBelle
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for more than a year now. I love him yet I constantly find myself questioning if he loves me as much as I do towards him. We have gone through so many fights and a couple of breakups within the course of our relationship. I will not get into so much details because we have several issues that cause our fights, trust was one of them. However, the most prominent of all is our lack of communication and his extreme stubbornness. Its frustrating how he shuts down and refuse to open up, and when I lay down my issues he also refuses to listen, its almost like talking to a wall. He has this attitude of intentionally withholding what I ask of him, that "it wont happen because I asked, because he doesnt want to be told what to do". I am very vocal, I learned to cope with stress by not bottling things up; I also prefer to discuss things logically and let him know whats in my heart and whats in my mind because I acknowledge the fact that we both cannot read eachother's minds. In my head, when I let him know my needs, I expect him to do something about it because I do the same for him. I always make sure i try to please him and try to make things right. I even find myself searching online for help, just to try to understand him -- stubbornness, refusal to communicate and listen and compromise among all things. I feel like no matter what I do I fail. I feel like my emotional needs arent met. He is a good guy, when things are great he can be very caring, affectionate and fun. But with conflicts, I struggle. I reached the point where I feel drained and exhausted because no matter what I say, how I say it, break down to tears out of frustration he doesnt seem to budge. He once told me he grew up in a home where talking about emotions was discouraged. I on the other hand, grew up in a family that openly discuss issues. His parents are divorced, my parents is happily married for 30 years now and I look up to them and understand that any relationship entails hard work.I dont know what to do. I dont want to just give up, instead, I want to make things work, but I cant keep paddling and keep the boat afloat on my own. I am emotionally spent. I wish I can make him understand my pain... Please help.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 February 2015):
You have to be patient and let him come around on his own terms. No one likes feeling pressured and the more you try to force the situation, it only disguises the problem. Patience is not simply waiting, but the attitude you have while doing so.
You both want it to work so keep that in mind.
A
female
reader, ThinkerBelle +, writes (10 February 2015):
ThinkerBelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked last night. He told me he has been difficult lately because of what i did. We already had fights before over me replying to my ex. I haven't spoken to him in so long, dont have any feelings for him anymore. However that last time I replied was when he told me about his mom hospitalized and i was close to her. To my bf this is unacceptable. I tried to explain to him, again when he is mad he doesnt listen. This has been going on for weeks now since he found out I replied. In those weeks some days we would be okay, and his refusal to say things he routinely says to me, or ask him to do something causes me to be upset and that tells me something is wrong. Now, he acknowledges it bothers him a lot. I asked him if he wants to break up, he said no. I asked him if he still loves me, he wont say it but along our conversation and the entire night I was with him I can still tell he loves me. I told him I know my mistakes, that Im sorry and that i cannot undo it. All we have to do now is move on and work on us. I get very impatient too. I tell him he needs to work with me if he wants us together. I dont know how to get him to understand. That im sorry and that it will never happen. He completely stopped what we both agreed on the last time we got back together just because of what i did weeks ago replying to an ex. Please help me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): I have been with this type of guy for 4yrs. It wont get any better and your frustrations will grow. The arguments will get more frequent and the break ups will follow each row more tears will fall.
In the end you will be too frightened to speak your mind.
Time to decide if that is the kind of life you want as its heading that way.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, ThinkerBelle +, writes (9 February 2015):
ThinkerBelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe started as friends for a few weeks until we started dating. Its not long enough to establish friendship.
Its his personality to shut down and I have constantly told him how it affects us. After our most recent break up, he agreed to work on it and I see how he doesnt ignore me anymore. Somehow I have seen how he improved in communicating with me but still there are times that talking to him is just very difficult.
It just doesnt make sense to me how he would simply refuse to acknowledge my request as he would say "He wont do it since I brought it up again". My personality on the other hand, i easily get over my anger as soon as things are sorted out. SO withholding requests like that just because I ask is quite irrational to me. I dont understand.
I am that type who need constant reminder. I need to hear words. I like the routine..
I just need him to tell me what he needs and what works for him. Because I make it that easy for him too.
Please tell me where I am wrong.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (9 February 2015):
Men and women have very different ways of dealing with stress. Women love to talk, and men like to withdraw with silence. Since you are looking online for help, you can youtube search "how men's and women's brains work" and this might enlighten you. Of course, NOT EVERYONE is the same but it is to point out that everyone just have different ways of dealing with stress. If you find he is causing harmful behavior under stress then he should find his own ways of dealing with it rather than your own ways.
I understand that there is a feeling of great helplessness that you can't fix him but you shouldn't take it personally. Even therapists can take years to help with problems. Not that his problems could take years, but do consider that your methods are pushy and are not helping him, and might be doing more harm.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 February 2015):
 Sometimes you just cant fix what is broken and you need to know when to walk away. Walk away..too many problems, not enough glue to hold things together. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they are right for you. I'm sorry, but the relationship will never work unless he would make major changes and the odds of that happening are slim. I'm sorry
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (8 February 2015):
 Were you friends with your boyfriend prior to being in a relationship with him? I always believe that friendship before relationship establishes a good foundation for your future together. Being friends first, talking, getting to know each other, finding common interests and goals etc. then building on that chemistry and attraction to one another, which leads to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
You say there's a lack of communication, has it always been like that? Or has it just been like that recently? How did the both of you communicate before?
Are you the type of girl who needs extra or constant re-assurance that you're loved? Most times in a relationship, we don't express our love with actions on a daily basis. Aside from hugs and kisses and ending a phone call with 'talk to you later, I love you". Usually you will have to wait for a special ocassion for him to do something extra special. That doesn't mean he loves you any less.
Some times couples will struggle harder in the beginning of their relationship because they are 'adjusting' and trying to understand their partner better. No two people will fit together perfectly like pieces of a puzzle. The key is are you willing to work through your differences to make this relationship work. You will never be able to change him just like he will never change you. But the both of you can learn to understand and accept each other and make compromises so this relationship can work. Trust, just like love is built. You need to work for it if you really want it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 February 2015):
 Lack of trust
Inability to find a mutually agreed upon communication style
Dating for about a year
Multiple breakups
Many fights
You are the one paddling like crazy
Your emotional needs aren't being met
This is simple yet difficult. Stop the paddling. This relationship will not survive as you two will never find a common ground.
Why don't you trust him?
Honey, life's too short to "fix" a toxic relationship. get out now and be happy you didn't marry the dude.
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