A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. Everything in our relationship is perfect except for one thing. We barely are having sex and every time our relationship progresses he starts a fight and says this is why he doesn't have sex with me. For example, we go out and have a great time and his friends and family approved of me and loved me he then started a fight by saying how awkward I was. When we first started dating we would only have sex once a week. Which to me wasn't enough to begin with. It has slowly declined since then now we have sex once a month if that. I never ran into this problem before. I am a bikini/lingerie model. That is how I make my living. My boyfriend now is the first guy to ever turn me down. He constantly makes up excuses such as I'm not sexy enough, I' come off insecure. I've never heard these comments before from friends or even prior boyfriends. The one time we do have sex it's if I' come home from a shoot all dressed up. But in reality I can't walk around the house all dolled up 24.7. He says he wants. Future with me but I need to change my behavior and make him feel more wanted. I practically throw ,myself at him I'm so confused. Help
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (9 February 2015):
"He constantly makes up excuses such as I'm not sexy enough, I' come off insecure. I've never heard these comments before from friends or even prior boyfriends."
Question...One guy is putting you down constantly, and no one else has. So the best solution you came up with is to stay with the one who degrades you? Okay.
You make a living from being sexy, yet the man you are with says you are not. So how can so many people like what they see for you to get paid?
One man...let me say it again...One Man...is disrespecting you. What are the chances of you finding someone else to treat you the way you should be treated?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): It would ring major alarm bells for me if a guy turned down sex for any reason other than he felt ill or something. I have a pretty low sex drive, so if the guy can't keep up with me, there must be a big problem! The only time a boyfriend has turned me down I found out after they were cheating on me and so getting it elsewhere/ guilty.
Fit, healthy young men do not say no to sex from their girlfriend. Even if you had just argued or something!
I would get rid ASAP something is defintely wrong here.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 February 2015):
 I'm so glad Wiseowle said it first, because I totally got a "he's gay" vibe from this post, especially with the whole defensiveness and "this is why I don't have sex with you" thing going on. What GUY says that?!?
Seriously. I've had times where I was busy painting and remodeling, face and hair full of sawdust, paint, and drywall, and been attacked by my husband the moment I walk through the door. People eat when they are HUNGRY. Sex is HUNGER. Sex is NEED. Sex is LUST. There are different levels of sex drive, but there isn't "this is why I don't have sex with you" because a family approves or you're awkward???
This guy sounds like he is gay -- especially with the whole "perfectly dolled up" thing. I don't consider being gay a negative. I consider his sexual politics in how he treats you to be the negative thing, and if I could meet him, I would excoriate his cowardice and tell him to stop lying to you and himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): He sounds emotionally unavailable and this is affecting your sex life. Or he may be depressed. I agree with WiseOwlE, being 'sexy' doesn't necessarily mean having model-type perfect features/body. Sexual allure is as much to do with intelligence and personality. BUT, that said, it may be that if he IS emotionally unavailable, he can only get turned on by porn-type 'sexy' women; this kind of attraction and turn on doesn't require any emotional availability at all. In fact, it requires the opposite. So, if he's complaining you're not sexy enough for him, either he's not turned on by your personality enough to want you OR he's expecting a constant porn start type look and behaviour from you. Either way, he still sounds emotionally unavailable, in which case, I'd personally get rid of him rather than spend years trying to get him to change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2015):
 I don't think it's about YOUR insecurity, but his. Has there been times where he couldn't keep it up? Where he went limp?
It IS easier for him to BLAME you for the lack of sex. Saying that YOU aren't sexy enough ? The dumbest excuse I have ever heard. NO ONE is sexy 24/7, yet many still have sex and intimacy.
For whatever reason your BF doesn't have a high sex drive, I don't think he EVER did. In the beginning he "managed" to have sex once a week, in an attempt to KEEP you interested and happy. Now that he "has" you... he doesn't bother.
If it's pretty consistent that he picks picks to avoid sex, you will have to ASK yourself, how is this going to work out long term.
If the only time he gets REALLY interested in sex when you are dolled up from a shoot, he is SEEING you not as a woman but as an object or his possession. He is TRYING to tell you that he ONLY finds you sexy when dolled up. That however, isn't really realistic.
Personally, I'd walk away and find a guy who can appreciate you for who you are, not just when you look dolled up. After all, you aren't a flipping Barbie doll.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): Your boyfriend is either very insecure, or possibly bi-sexual with a leaning. By "leaning" I mean he may be sexually-attracted to women; but may have a preference for men.
Picking fights to avoid intimacy may also mean he uses you for arm-candy, and otherwise feels little physical-attraction for you. If you're just his trophy-girlfriend (or beard); don't expect a lot of physical-expression of his sexual-attraction for you. He's good to you in every other way; because he has to do something to keep you around. Your exceptional physical-presence doesn't hurt his social status; but hurting your feelings to avoid sex is pretty suspect. No, you can't walk around all dolled-up 24/7. I doubt that would make any difference.
Not to burst your bubble, but being a lingerie/bikini model doesn't guarantee that a man is always going to walk around with a perpetual hard-on for you.
If the sex has dwindled down to once a month; maybe it's time for a new boyfriend? Sounds like he'd be happier if you moved him to the friend-zone.
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