A
female
age
51-59,
*hinachik
writes:I am in a relationship with a guy for the past 4months. We met online and been taking things slow- we are at the stage where we are getting to know each other, but I am finding this hard as I don't know where its headed. I know we have strong feelings for each other, but we are very different people and I don't know what I want. I know he wants to be with me and I do with him, but its hard to see from the inside...He is more closed, which I guess is natural for a guy in the armed forces but he dosen't really tell me what he thinks and when I ask him akward things he goes quiet and dosen't answer- though when we are together he does show me he wants to be with me and enjoys our time together, but he is very guarded. I can understand that he is not shallow, but I am finding it hard to know what to say or do.I guess I'm asking what are the right things to ask him and how I can get him to open up a little. I know I can't make him feel things, but I have no idea how to honestly open up to him and make this relationship work where I can feel secure, relaxed and happy and not have doubts about him. Is this normal? I haven't had many relationships so don't really know what to make of it as it dosen't seem like a "traditional" relatonship. Would appreciate your advice- thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): Some men possess what i refer to as a mystical or rather mysterious persona. I think that the reason he is guarded is because he's probably been hurt really bad in the past or that he himself has hurt others and doesnt want to repeat past mistakes, whatever the reason only time can tell how important the bond really is. Four months is a short time if you truly want someone to open up to you.People vary, some take weeks, months or even years to open up.When you open up to someone quickly,you may believe that you are ready for whatever the relationship brings, however it may read that you are vulnerable or desperate which ultimately can leave room for someone to take advantage of you. Provided that you dont fall into this category I suggest that you be patient and take things slowly. It doesnt matter if you have been in few relationships or many. Another thing is the manner in which the questions were brought across, because he is guarded its not best to ask directly what you want to know,e.g you want to find out if he wants kids, you dont just ask when are planning on becoming a father, rather talk about yourself in your childhood days and see how he responds then ask hypothetical questions- how would deal with a child in given situation and wait to see how things play out.Certain questions make people uncomfortable and they would not give you a straightforward answer or some lie to you altogether.So, dont give up hope, good luck.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 This is a difficult question to answer in specifics, since you don't say what the "differences" you have between the two of you, and we can't really be a fly on the wall and tell you what his guarded behavior really means.
When ever you are starting a relationship with a man on line, realize that you are not the only woman he is talking to, no matter what he implies, he is being contacted by other women.
A red flag for me is that you already assume he has strong feelings for you, and you have strong feelings for him.
You have to take a step back and realize that sometimes when you feel that intense connection right away it could be that this person is someone you should get away from because they are triggering some unresolved issues for you and they may end up being very harmful to you or even a pathological person.
In short strong connection is dangerous because it is all about your own "projection" of the qualities that you have interpreted by reading his written words, and reading his online "marketing" profile and your own agenda of finding true love. You have to admit that you don't know anything at all about this man and he isn't letting you in and he's being guarded. Don't ever make excuses for a man's behavior Just Because He's a Man, or in the military.
If you feel uncomfortable around him, there's a reason for that. You can't make someone open up to you, and in fact it is not a good idea to be that open when first dating someone because when you do that you are in effect giving them all sorts of information about yourself that they can use to manipulate you with, if they happen to be a bad guy, and you don't know yet what his true character is...you are simply projecting your own values and hopes and traits that you wish him to have.
So, what you do is slow down and go on some dates where you are enjoying "activities" together and let the conversation flow from there. Don't get too physical early on and try to build a friendship first.
Intimacy cannot be rushed by seeing someone 24/7 or by throwing up (telling your whole life story) on someone.
Nothing can replace time and experience for getting to know someone and whether or not there is potential for a real realationship.
In the mean time, why don't you take care of yourself by not getting hung up on this one "date". Take the pressure off and continue to see other men, this one isn't yours yet by a long shot, so why make yourself so available and agonize over everything he does. Keep your focus on YOU and what YOU feel and whether or not you get any creepy feelings around the guy. If your instincts tell you something is off, it is. Don't overthink things and tell yourself that it is your problem because you haven't had too many relationships, you know when you don't feel safe around someone or feel manipulated or that you are being mislead or used. Don't ignore the red flags if they present themselves...and just relax and have fun dating and you will handle what ever comes up as it comes up.
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