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female
age
41-50,
*F06
writes: My husband and daughter have always had a close relationship. However now my daughter is 15 now and is going through puberty and growing breasts. I don't know why but my husband has stopped being physically affectionate with her. It really hurts my daughter, as she wishes he would hug her and kiss her more, but for some reason he doesn't feel comfortable doing it anymore. I've tried to ask him whats wrong but he just says that she's becoming a woman and it just isn't appropriate. I'm not sure what to do. Every time I ask my husband about this his answers are usually vague and unhelpful. Why is he behaving this way? How can I get him to form a close and loving relationship with our daughter again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): the awkwardness can go two ways,when i was in my mid teens my dad and two brothers really confused me.things that had been fine before suddenly really bugged me.being tickled felt awkward because it affected me sexually,whether i wanted it to or not,so i'd get angry and they'd not know why.tell him to be loving and if he's doing something she's awkward about i'm sure he'll spot the signs,teenage strops aren't easy to miss!
A
female
reader, carlyuk  +, writes (1 January 2007):
 hiya hun im 15 and the same thing happened to me whn i turned 15 your husband doesnt dislike or not love your daughter he is just having a difficult time dealing with the fact tht your daughter is becoming a woman and that he is not needed any more. and tht maybe being affectionate with your daughter is not 'kwl' to solve this all your daughter has to do is show him tht she still loves him and needs her dad she cn do this by just giving him a hug this just reassures him and he shud get the message xxx hope i helped
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (1 January 2007):
 Dad is probably just having a little difficulty in accepting that his 'baby girl' is not his little one any more. That she is becoming a woman, with everything that means. Did he have sisters when he was growing up? Just asking because I wonder if this adolescent transformation has got him a little unnerved beacsue he has never expereinced it from an adult perspective befroe.
I think he will gradually get used to things. I am pretty sure my Dad did the same and he pulled away for a while (also that may have been because I was a slightly 'prickly' adolescent!) but we soon got back on track.
Also, there are the modern day connetations about touch in our western society, and he could be being hyper-sensitive towards that. You know all the paedophile stuff in the papers, if you read enough of it you satrt to feel guilty for stuff you HAVEN'T done!! Thsi is not the easiest thing in the world to understand. I do think a quiet sit down chat with you and him might help. make some suggestions about the way you think he might be feeling and see if you can get him to open up.
He may not have even noticed you ahve noticed...
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): I would not go so far as saying your husband is sexualizing your daughter, dear. Media and society in many forms, sexualize young women, already. Your husband may be just too painfully aware of this. Perhaps he feels if he shows affection, then his actions could be misconstrued as sexual. It sounds like he is self conscience and doesn't know how to handle this issue and he doesn't want to convey the wrong message to his little girl. I cannot express to you, how common this problem is for some Dads. He wants to protect her and love her, he jusy doesn't know how. It does not mean he has any problems. Seeing a girl who no longer looks like a little girl can be tough for a lot of dads, but their support and love is crucial at this time. When your daughter can count on the same strong relationship she's always had with Dad, she'll feel more self-assured and happier.
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A
female
reader, KF06 +, writes (1 January 2007):
KF06 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly to the anon poster, i don't think what you are saying is normal, or god at least I hope not! I'm not sure how in the world I would even ask him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): I know this may seem like a really bad answer but it is only another view. Could it be you husband is having trouble with issues of his own in seeing your daughter as a potential sexual partner? I don't mean he would do that, but could be why he is playing safe by standing back at this point. This answer comes from personal experience where my husband, an apparrent sweet gentle guy, has shocked my daughter and me by addressing her in a sexual way. It was just a couple of moments during a couple of TV programmes that happened to be on, but it is also odd that my husband has not hugged my daughter for years and she would not want him to. She is now 21 and says she loves him, there is no child abuse, but there is 'something' that put the brakes on with their physical affection and perhaps in my case, it was a good thing.
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A
female
reader, KF06 +, writes (1 January 2007):
KF06 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for the advice. Come to think of it they both like tennis, so maybe I can start them off there. I'm going to try to talk to him about maintaining a close relationship. He should continue to hug and kiss her and Im going to encourage him to continue. Knowing that his daughters future partner depends on it will certainly motivate him to do so.
But anyone know why dads feel so uncomfortable around teenage daughters? What is it about their daughters adolescence that makes them so uncomfortable that they want to minimize the amount of affection they show?
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A
female
reader, Pretty and proud +, writes (1 January 2007):
 hey, i am a teenage girl who has been in the same position as your daughter. it feels dreadful when a father is acting so strangely, i have thought about your question for a long time, and called my dad (at 4.35 am!) to ask him why he was like your husband is to your daughter. He said it is because your daughter is becoming a woman your husband feels like its time to let go and let her get on with things herself, puberty is the biggest part of growing up and he feels that she is now growing up and he can't be her knight in shining armour anymore. he still loves her and cares about her as he always has done, but he probably feels as if this is a thing for you to help your daughter with as you are a woman. maybe you should ask your daughter to give him kisses and hugs so he feels like she still loves him and cares. for a father, seeing your daughter go through puberty is a very emotional time for everyone so maybe some family activities are a good idea, your husband is feeling very vulnerable at the moment, and so is your daughter and you are to, you all need to show eachother equal love and have alot of laughs! i hope i helped. good luck xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): Gosh, what a hard time for your daughter, for you and of course, for your husband. Your husband is not unusual, dear. There are many fathers of teen daughters who pull away from their daughters when they hit puberty. A daughter's growing, developing body will literally unerve some Fathers. They feel uncomfortable showing physical affection. But....it is SO critical that your husband connect with his daughter, in some way. She needs her Dad's guidance and love more than anything right now. He needs to understand that his positive influence is needed for laying the groundwork for happy, respectable relationships with boys later on, in her life. It makes sense because young girls who feel loved, trusted and respected by their fathers and the other males (brothers) in the family, will look always insist on healthy, good quality relationships, with future bf's, husbands, partners later on in their life. Or at least, it will help them make better choices on whom they want to have in their life, later on. If I were you, I'd be patient and encourage DAd and her to spend quality time together. Ask yourself what you husband likes to do. Does he enjoy sports activities, walking, biking, going to the library, gardening, yardwork--there has to be something. Once you figure that out, have them do it together. Also, encourage him to take an interest in her activities, like school sports/other activities. Maybe he might like to coach or help the team out. Ask him to sit and talk with her more often-ask her about school, friends...anything she wants to talk to him about. Tell him to just listen not to fret about what she says. DAd's tend to want to solve problems for their kids. Sometimes all their kids need, is a kind smile and an open ear. I think once hey do spend time together..Dad will find his comfort zone with his daughter and maybe, he'll start displaying the affection again. See if that helps, hun. This is the time you have to pull the family together and you must stop at nothing, to keep her close and connected to her father. I wish you well, Mom..you have a big job ahead. Talk to your husband and whatever you do, never condemn him for feeling this way. Just encourage him with your love, understanding and strength. Take care, dear and all the best to you.
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