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male
age
41-50,
*eti
writes: I recently just cheated on my fiance. I love my ex fiance very much and i wish there was a way to tell her. I would never cheat on her. I proposed to her because i loved her, without realizing that love was only half of what is involved in a marriage. Its was a drunken one night thing, and i told her right away about my mistake. That is not an excuse, I was just always honest with her and wasn't ready to trust her yet. The previous time we were engaged i bought her a plane ticket to her home town on the other side of the country and after a couple weeks and a week with no response she called me over the phone to tell me she wasn't coming back. 6 months later when she finally did come back I was flooded with all the love i had for her and instantly wanted to get engaged again. I told her that I wanted to be with her forever and was truthful with every word i said. But i also said that if this was going to work we were going to need to be together and work on things until we could trust each other. She said ok but that she needed to go home for a couple weeks to finish work and then she would come back. Well the first week felt like months and i couldn't sleep at night thinking about how horrible it would be if she left me like that for a 3rd time. My parents didn't want me to marry her because they thought she would leave me after 4 years with our children and I got no support from my friends. One night she promised to call in 30 minutes, and i didn't hear from her for two days I "knew" she was going to leave me. I mean if i had been rational i would know there was no way that she would, but the week we were together didn't even come close to rebuilding the trust i needed. I wasn't ready, I was very much in love but not ready. I got wasted to make myself feel better and ended up going home with a 30 year old woman. Please, i know this sounds like an excuse but i made my bed and i will sleep in it, I messed up i will be the first one to admit it. But i really love my ex fiance more than anyone in the world and thats why i haven't flown out to see her and try to fix things... i don't want to make it worse. I am giving her some time to think about things but i have no idea what i can do. I would do anything to get her back, but i am afraid its too late. there is so much love there, and just no trust... cant that part be fixed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): I am not following you, why don't you trust her? Because she broke it off because you cheated on her?
It seems there is a pattern of you gettin nervous or anxious about her and then going ahead and getting drunk to rationalize the fact that you want to go have sex with a woman from a bar for a one night stand,,,
First it sounds like you are pretty immature, you have an unhealthy dependence on alchohol, and you are not really ready to committ to her, but feel flooded with emotions which you think is love so you feel compelled to get engaged.
Love and trust go hand in hand. Love is not just a feeling, feeling love is as you realized not enough to make a marriage work. Love is a decision which involves concious thought and the willingness to make the ultimate committment and sacrifice for another, meaning forsaking all others for a shag, and putting the needs of your partner ahead of your own, it is about BEING the person for your partner that is worthy of love, it is about being loving, not being in love.
That said there area all kinds of issues that you need to come to agreement about in order to combine your lives...how well do you know your ex, what are her values about money, raising and disciplining children, the importance of education, values about money and the use of money and power? What is the frequency with which you will have sex or visit your in-laws? Seems pretty basic, right, but not to be ignored or glossed over.
You are both quite young, perhaps this is not the time to get married, and go back to being friends so that trust and respect can be restored...
Of course it can be fixed, but you have to do the work and be willing to make those sacrifices and commitments and that involves change on your part and probably on hers as well...
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