A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Wondering if this means we have a bad marriage..Although I feel we have a decent marriage. We have a 6 month old and a 17 month old. I stay home, he works. He likes his job and it is not stressful for him. Well, yesterday was our 1 year wedding anniversary and nothing was even said about it. He came home fom work, I had dinner ready, he ate, I fed our toddler dinner. Then we watched a movie..Nothing was even mentioned about it being our 1 year anniversary (by either of us) I know he knew though because just the day before we were at our friend's and I said tomorrow is our one year anniversary. And he said that he knew. And a few days before I mentioned it again and he said yes that he knew it was on Monday. Is this strange? I am a bit worried. I mean if this is how it is on our first wedding anniversary, how is the rest of our marriage going to be? Any insight/advice appreciated. I know that I could have said something but I brought it up two times previously so I didn't.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 September 2008):
 Frankly, to be brutally honest, some men do NOT like parties/anniversaries. It just ain't their thing. I got a deal with my gf, I remember her birthday if she forgets mine. It works perfectly.
There is one thing to consider, why was it up to him to do anything special, you didn't.
You could have made a special evening of it as well. Perhaps he was waiting for you? Some men have the need to be made feel special as well.
On the whole, I think you two are failing to talk to each other and playing the game "who will crumble first". Playing games with each other like this is bad.
In a good relationship, BOTH of you would want to do something special for the other on your anniversary, just because. Neither of you should wait till the other does it.
Talk more, before you two end up strangers living in the same house waiting for the other to make the first move.
A
female
reader, ready2bolt +, writes (16 September 2008):
I am so sorry he did that to you. This stuff can be so confusing at times - but my husband of 18 years does the same thing, as do many of my friends' husbands. It is an awful feeling. In my situation I, for some reason, think he should have some plans made for us or at least talk to me about what I'd like to do for our anniversary, birthdays, other holidays, but he doesn't. I think I put that burden somewhat on him b/c a splurge costs money and he is the breadwinner so I figure he should have a pretty solid say how he'd like to spend that time and money. But these conversations never happen unless I bring them up repeatedly and even then, they don't go anywhere satisfactorily. It still feels like an empty gesture if he actually does take me out and that hurts so much.
Here's how bad it once was - I had just miscarried, two weeks later he moved two states away with our 7 yr. old to take a new job (job relocation), and three weeks after that it was Mother's Day. Did I get a card? No. Did I get a phone call? No. Finally, after bawling my eyes out I called him (still on Mother's Day mind you). He and my daughter were at a Mother's Day brunch with his brother and extended family while I was alone and depressed a thousand miles away just waiting for him to freaking acknowledge that I existed!! I couldn't believe how callous he was - you can bet I was thinking he had checked out of our marriage and wasn't coming back. The truth is - he had checked out emotionally in terms of caring or cluing into what I needed. To me, that is what these omissions from your husband signal. My hubby claims that he usually wants to do something grand but then either doesn't have the money or the time to pull it together so then he does nothing. I have tried to tell him before even the simplest things mean so much - but it doesn't necessarily help. He still opts out of engaging with me for these events. I take it as a passive aggressive way of telling me that I'm not worth celebrating and neither is our relationship. I could be wrong, but that is how it feels.
I know when you have little kids around getting couple time seems not only impossible, but it can be expensive and then kind of terrifying when you realize you don't even know what to talk about any more! Right now I am looking at a program called "Marriage Builders" you can find them on the internet. ONe of the key things they talk about is meeting each other's emotional needs. If this show of affection and celebration of your wedding means something to you your husband needs to know that and the two of you should find a mutually satisfying way to remind each other daily - not just on the big events - that you are in tune with each other and connected. This stuff will wear on you over time and wear away at your marriage. I think it is a symptom of a problem you want to address - it is not a deal breaker, yet. But you don't want to let it linger.
If you can get out together for some fun - not just dinner and a movie but maybe something you used to do when you were dating or something new that you both want to try you should do that ASAP! Make it a regular thing - have family (if they are around and so inclined) to babysit for you or get involved with a group or church where you can have adult activities together and the kids go happily off to a free nursery room. You guys need to reconnect - do whatever it takes to make this happen right now.
Best of luck to you and hug those darling babies!! They are a phenomenal extension of your love as a couple, but you have to put your couplehood before anything else! So hug the kids, but really love on your man!!
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A
female
reader, ZeeZee +, writes (16 September 2008):
I don't think this is exactly a bad thing. The two of you sound pretty busy. Maybe he's just not the anniversary type - I know I'm not. I never celebrate any sort of anniversaries or even birthdays for that matter.
If it hurts you that it went unmentioned, though, bring it up. He'll never know if you don't say something.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 September 2008):
 What I would do in your shoes is to buy something nice for the house on your anniversary, you know, that new bedspread you wanted, a lamp, whatever. Husbands can be so clueless about how a woman feels about birthdays, anniversaries, and such. Don't let it hurt your feelings or make you doubt your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Why didn't you say Happy Anniversary? Men like it simple, if he thinks you don't care to celebrate it then he is going to go right along with you. Why don't you get him a card, write in it that you felt bad that you didn't celebrate your 1st anniversary. Next year, the week before, start talking about plans...
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