A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi i just wonder if theres anyone out their who can give me some advice. I have been with my fiance for coming on 9 years, she is a beautiful, caring although sometimes hotheaded woman lol but all in all she is a good girl with great morals. We have a gorgeous soon of 5 together and our own home. The question is more about my fiance than myself but its something that is really beginning to bother me. Other women do not get on with her. Try as she might something always happens and try as she might close friends always end up turning against her and my mates girlfriends are bitchy toward her. I have tried telling her that it is because they are young (they are all between 18 and 22 and my girlfriend will be 27 beginning of next year (i am 32 and so are my mates) at first i thought maybe it was her, i dont know why! but i did, i thought maybe she was doing something to make these girls dislike her but she really isnt and its really starting to get my back up. I really wish my mates had got with women more their age because i think alot of it comes down to that. She has been taunted by some of my mates girlfriends on facebook which i know is the worst thing ever thats why im not on it but in general my fiance only uses it for keeping in contact with friends and our sons friends mums, old playschool teachers and family etc but she has shown me some of the comments they have made about her in a not so subtle way and obviously i was really angry. I feel out with one of my oldest friends over it because my fiance has also been friends with all of my friends for a very long time (even before their new gf,s came on the seen) things calmed down a bit but now im finding if we go to our local and they are their, they always look her up and down, snigger, only ever say hello if they have to and there is a real atmosphere and its got even worse as now i am noticing other women being this same toward her aswell, without even knowing her.I am guilty of the fact that when she first tried to tell me about this i basically told her she was being paranoid, she was adiment there was something wrong with her, i assured her their wasnt but didnt really think too much deeper into it than that. She has now also lost one of her bestfriends who is 38 (she tends to make older freinds because she finds it easier and they are more loyal) this woman was also my friend but she has now become friends with these women im talking about, my fiance had it out with her and her friend said she would always stand by her and that she knew what they were doing, that she would be civil with them but that she would never be close with them as her loyalties lied with my fiance and now she has completely gone out of the picture. My fiance has obviously been torn up about thise and cant see how someone could be so unloyal when she needed her the most. It all sounds very petty i know and that is what i thought at the start but now i can see a pattern emerging and its worrying me. My fiance is now saying she no longer wants to go out with my friends, she feels let down by all of them, not the girls but our joint male friends whom she has given alot of time to over the years, she is a really good woman and has always made time for my friends and made them her own too, she has cooked for them when theyve popped over, she has talked to them about all their issues and she has had enough of people not backing her up when she needs them most. She thought things were better for a little while and so was planning for all of them to come round for my birthday which is 2 weeks away and do food and drinks and now she has said she feels depressed over the whole thing and cant face them, she feels that it would all be fake and why would she put herself in the position where no one really likes her. I do understand that, i love her alot but i dont know what to do. I havent told her this but after everything that has happened im thinking maybe its alot to do with jealousy. She is slim but curvy, has a gorgeous face, beautiful eyes, shes always been very feminine and thats one of the reasons i fell inlove with her in the first place plsu she takes extrmely good care of herself, when we go out she looks top notch and thats not just me being bias my friends have always said how beautiful she is and what a lucky fella i am. Its not just about looks either, she is fun to be around, makes an effort with people, puts herself out their. I wouldnt say shes got low self esteem, i think to some extent she knows shes pretty when shes made herself up but shes the same as every other woman and is hung up about certain parts of herself etc and she doesnt put off and i love myself image, i really dont think she knows she is as beautiful as she is and thats another reason i love her more than anything. Shes genuine and would do anything for anyone.I was selfish for a while and wished "i" didnt have to go through this because i didnt want to lose my friends etc but now i realise that "she" is the victim not me. I just dont know what to do, i have spoken to my mates about it but all i get is oh its just women, all women are like it.......what they dont get even though theyve known her for so long is that she ISNT like that, THEY are! Its written all over their faces when she walks in a room, infact its quite uncomfortable to say the least.I just wanted some advice on this because she has never ever fallen out with any of my guy friends and now i kind of see why she has more male friends. Its not her thats the problem, its other women. I dont realy know what the exact question is im trying to ask here lol but any advice would be appreciated. She is really depressed over the whole thing and doesnt really like going out much anymore, she has been to the doctor and he thinks she may be suffering with a form of agoraphobia due to this whole thing. Thank you in advance for any advice.
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depressed, facebook, fiance, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, michelle101  +, writes (14 December 2011):
firstly,your love for each other has touched me...ur gf sounds like a beautiful person inside out.
coming to your query, its sheer jealousy. support your gf as much as you can. your friends gf are not upto the mark as friends.
all the best!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Just to add to what has already been said - if there is a set of four women working in a pub then they will 99.9% be the ones who are 'ringleading' this group against your girlfriend - pubs are notorious places for gossip because otherwise the work is so boring. However, usually - not always but usually - there is always one women who wants to be the "Alpha" female and will be running the tight circle, with everyone else falling into place in support of it. Films like Muriel's wedding deal with exactly this kind of scenario, where you get a relatively innocent female and a group led by a "wanna be Alpha" female who somehow senses that the innocent one has something that she herself does not and never will have. It might help to try to find out who the ringleader is - subtly, I mean - but remember that for a while, if you contest or challenge her and her group's behaviour, your girlfriend might suffer more until it is all over - there will be a backlash. It is absolutely great that you are taking the time to sort this out with her and to understand - it is the worst kind of female behaviour and it is, weirdly, something that is not often talked about because the one being picked on is usually the one that gets accused of causing trouble, so they are too scared to speak up. Good luck and best wishes to you and your girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): thankyou for all your replies, i feel so bad that i let it get this out of hand, i was anshoulder for her to cry on but i never really put my footdown, he even told me she was going to delete them out of our lives and facebook etc because she cant see any other way of getting away from it and even then i told her not to and that it was a bit petty but now i do see what is going on i feel terrible. My fiance has confronted these girls but each time she does it gets blown up in both our faces, because like you said they have formed such a tightnit little group and pushed her out of it, its always going to be made "her fault" my fiance spoke to one of my friends girlfriends and asked if their was a problem and she said no but it has all carried on. You can see they really have to force themselves to say hello to her, i can almost see them gritting their teeth.
What annoys me most of all (now that i realise whats happening) is that my fiance was around from the very start, before any of my friends had girlfriends, then they met women and she had no problem getting on with those. Then my friends got girlfriends who all work at the same pub, (4 of them in total) i didnt explain that before but i think maybe thats partly the reason. Its a real shame atleast one of my mates didnt meet a mature woman because that way she could have her own friend within that group but even then she would probably be taken away from her because my friends girlfriends act so nice to other people, like butter wouldnt melt, so no one believes what is going on! i reallyu appreciate it anyway, thanks again, i think im going to have to take it in to my own hands
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011):
My wife also doesn't get along with other women. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's her. It's probably both. She gets along better with men and I think that's okay. Don't beat yourself (or her) up about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): For years and years I was treated very similarly to your girlfriend, except that it started in my own family with my Mother and younger sister and at school when I was around 9 - with my best friend plotting with everyone in my year to reject me when I got back from a term-time holiday with my parents. It was only when I reached about the age of 38 - 39 that it finally dawned on me that women were jealous of my looks, my intelligence and...my good nature and patience and trying to please everyone! I had such low self-esteem for years that I truly did not perceive myself as anything remotely worth feeling threatened about. Now that I get it, I look back and realise that even more bitchy and horrible behaviour was directed at me than I took in at the time because I was just too naive to recognise it for what it was. I made a new friend at college recently who is from another country and she was subjected to a little bit of this kind of behaviour from some women on our programme - I recognised immediately what had happened to her and was able to comfort her. Please convey to your girlfriend what I was just saying to my long term partner this weekend - that women ARE completely capable of forming gangs where they simply pick on someone that they feel threatened by - women honestly can be total heartless bitches to one another and ESPECIALLY if you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I really feel for your girlfriend. Unfortunately I don't have much practical advice except DO NOT try to please these people - find another set of friends somehow because these women are just the gossipy "housewife to be" set that will continue to make her life hell. Be loyal to your girlfriend, it is not her fault, this is the reality of what women can be like...but not all of us, honestly!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): YEP it has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH Her being gorgeous, strong minded, confident. I don't know why, but some women feel threatened by a very attractive woman who won't play their petty games.This happens to me as well. But I really don't give a rats hiney. Because more often than not, I do have people, friends that support me. And realize that the insecure and petty don't like to have pointed out just how petty they are.I don't tolerate Gossips so shut it down around me. I do my best to keep things fun, light hearted, and positive. Its just how I am. And I can make others laugh, have fun, and lighten their burdens. Yet to the insecure, this just angers them more and makes them more spiteful and hateful.I just cut those idiots out of my life. Cancerous people need to be treated in such a way.And no, its not "just women" - she is being bullied and targeted by nasty mean hearted women.STand by the GF and please get her some counselling so she can at least have someone to vent to and get it all off her chest. IT will keep her positive, light hearted, and loving. Because right now, she is ganged up on and well, probably feels a bit betrayed by you still and needs to heal from that. When she came to you for help and support; when it could have remained manageable- you reacted the way you did. Now its unmanageable.So she will definitely needs some support in this time of need.Also, the reason why most of my buds are GUYS. ;)
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (12 December 2011):
 hiya hun
Before I dispense with the advice I just wanted to say how absoloutly lovely it is to read a post from someone so obviously in love with his fiance... really warms those cockles.
ok
I think its not that your wife doesnt get on with other women, she obviously has friends through the other "school mums" that she keeps in touch with.
Obviously the little children that your friends are dating are unable to act like mature adults and find pleasure in causing others pain. It probably is jealousy or just down right nastiness...women in groups can act like pack animals and do the most horrendous things.
My suggestions to allieviate this are numerous. Remember each option COULD cause some further strife between you and your friends. At some point this has to stop and it may eventually fall down to a choice. If your friends are true friends they will understand how badly this is affecting you both.
1 - talk to your fiance. Explain how seriously you are taking this and that you want her help to come up with a resoloution.
2 - get your friends and their girlfriends together (it would be great if your fiance could be there too, but completely understandable if she cant face it) and lay it out for them to see. Take print-outs of the nasty comments, talk about the looks and behaviour YOU have witnessed and tell them that this sort of bullying is totally unacceptable. Explain that its got to the point that you are now not going to be socialising with them all together in future.
3 - Tell your friends that you will go out, and socialise WITHOUT their girls in tow. Explain that their lack of support has really hurt you both, and whilst you dont want to lose their friendship you have got to draw a line. By removing yourself from socialising with their girlfriends you will be sending a very clear message.
4 - IF you must socialise with their girls in tow, then ensure your fiance has her own back up available. Get her to invite all her school mum friends along (and their partners)... I can guarentee that the little girls will back down entirely when faced with all these successful mature beautiful women. It will be more of a party atmosphere with a larger group too, so less chance for anything nasty to go on.
5 - report the behaviour to facebook, and if necessary check the law in your state (I'm in uk so its different here) as to whether internet bullying is a crime.
I do think this needs resolving ASAP, preferably before your birthday, so that everyone can enjoy and celebrate christmas and your b-day together.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (12 December 2011):
I can tell you why they are behaving like they are, but I do not know how to fix their behavior.
Women, especially younger women, often feel threatened by women who have had friendships with and known their boyfriends longer than they have been together. These women wrongly feel threatened by your fiancé. Not only is she a beautiful woman on the outside, she is a genuinely nice person. To them she is a major triple-threat: she looks better, is genuinely nicer, and has known their boyfriends longer. Because these women are not really nice people, they have decided to ostracize your fiancé and exclude her from your group.
This catty, superficial, and disgusting behavior is without merit. If your girlfriend cannot find the inner strength to nicely confront these women, maybe you should go to your local one night when the group should be there and confront the lot of them while they are together. You should simply approach them, exchange greetings, and explain that you and your guy friends have noticed some hostile behavior towards your fiancé. Ask them if there is something she has done to cause them to behave this way towards her. Explain that you want to make sure that everything is okay because you don't like to see these sorts of divisions within your groups of friends .
If she has done something outright to offend them, they will come right out and say something. If she hasn't, they may act uncomfortable and possibly just nasty. If their behavior continues, you and your fiancé may just want to hang out with the guys in your group or you and your fiancé can find another place to hang out and try to extend your circle of friends.
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