A
male
age
51-59,
*hiningpath
writes:Over 5 years ago the relationship with my then girlfriend of 3 plus years ended very badly and I have still not been able to put it out of my mind and move on. Before I go on I would like to make it clear that I do not want to get back together with her, we were wrong for each other for many reasons and I truly think she is better off with someone else. Even though I can make justifications that my friends and family agree with about the way I treated her and how the relationship ended, I know the truth and that is I was a terrible boyfriend, a bad person and I behaved in a manner that I am downright ashamed of. Instead of being a "knight in shining armor" for this woman who had already endured hardships that I can't imagine, I probably turned out to be the biggest disappointment in her life. I was not and never will be physically violent toward any woman and I wasn't with her either, but the things I said to her probably, or rather more than likely, hurt her more than getting hit in the face. I don't know what happened, I sit awake at night some times trying to recall why I behaved the way I did and it's like an out of body experience, the person who said these things and acted that way just isn't me. I have dated and been in short term relationships with several women since her and I was the nice, kind, easygoing guy that I consider myself to be to each of them, exactly like I was to the women before her as well. However, I have not fallen in love again and I don't think I will until I can somehow come to grips with what I did. Other people seem to get married and divorced over and over again without the slightest problem with finding someone new or getting over their ex or not feeling guilty about a ruined relationship, why can't I? Thanks
View related questions:
divorce, get back together, move on, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 I think so, OP.:) Exactly. "Up to your standards " does not mean as good,honest,intelligent, caring,baggage-free etc.etc. as you RATIONALLY think your perfect mate should be. It means the kind of woman that makes your heart beat fast and stirs your senses. I said "interesting "- and unluckily what's good for us often is not what we find interesting....
A
male
reader, Shiningpath +, writes (12 May 2011):
Shiningpath is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the replies. There's some more to the story but I thought the original post was too long so I left stuff out I guess I should not have.I did apologize to her, I begged her to come back to me and I waited for about 1 year to see if she would. I offered to do whatever I could to win her back and on 2 separate occasions we, or at least I thought, had reconciled. I do not in the least way blame her for not coming back, if I were her I wouldn't have either but I was becoming increasingly depressed living in "Our" home by myself and I did not want to try to start a new relationship living there, I figured that wound just put salt on a wound so I decided to move. I did not want to give her an ultimatum or time limit on a decision about us getting back together but after a year and 2 reconciles that didn't work out I decided that I was more of a distraction to her moving forward than any kind of a love interest.These posts get too long quickly, don't they;)? I don't think contacting this woman would serve any purpose now, she never said she forgave me when I said I was sorry and that's ok. I don't deserve to be forgiven, saying "I'm sorry" doesn't make everything "ok". To the one reply that suggested that if I found someone *up to my standards*, all would be good and I would fall in love again: well, the woman that I am talking about had more personal issues and more baggage than all the other women I have dated combined, AFAIK. She could be the poster child of a woman that I would normally avoid at all costs....hmmm maybe that's the problem?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): First and foremost I believe you should apologise to her. Find closure. And you may find that she has forgiven you already. But why can't I help but think that I'm the woman you are writing about. And yes I do believe that asking for forgiveness is the first step to healing and its important that you also forgive yourself! Its no use beating yourself up over something that happened 5 years ago, resolve to deal with it once and for all. I had someone very close to me hurt me and that was in 2007. I have forgiven him and I guess what made it hurt the most was that it was so unlike him. He really was or is a good man, probably the best I've ever had - he just had a terrible temper. At his best he really was the best, but I've learnt its no use crying over spilled milk, especially if the spillage was due to very selfish reasons. Just let it go, like I said she is probably not bothered by the fallout or the terrible words you said anymore. I was able to let go through much prayer and its difficult being selfish when you are genuinely into prayer - by that I mean I prayed for him as well and that led to forgiveness. I came to understand that he was after all human.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 May 2011):
Because you haven't met anybody yet interesting enough to get your mind off the past.
You say : I have not fallen in love again and I don't think I will until I can come to grips with what I did.
This is possible, I can't sort it out.
But, as cynical as it sounds, I think it's the other way
around, you haven't met yet someone who is willing and available to be with you AND matches your standards in looks and personality.
If you had had a good enough offer, someone that matches or exceeds your criteria AND shows an interest in you, you'd be quick to embrace the " let bygones be bygones " school of thought .
...............................
|
