A
male
age
51-59,
*yFuture2012
writes:Good Afternoon Aunts. I hope you can help me as I do not know what to do. My Wife and I have been together 8 years, we have lovely children and a great life style. We also have argue often and have been in a very up and down cycle for a while that has put stress on the realtionship. I work whilst my wife looks after the children I have not been great in showing my love and feelings and have found my self moody often from the stress of work. My wife has her own issues in caring for the children, wanting to lose weight, wanting to work, and get her independence back. Recently we ended up in the crunch where we are now in separate rooms trying to repair our marriage. I am giving all I can to be supportive and loving and make things work. For her she believes she has given 100 per cent always and has no tolerance for me and wants to concentrate on all these other things in her life. She has given us a deadline and says often she may not decide to stay in the relationship. On the other side she does not want space, she wants me to be loving, caring, and present etc. I am happy with giving my all but any small discrepency usually ends up in me getting trodden on. She wants to cuddle on the couch, me give her a massage, romantic dinners, talks about the future, wants to do a business together etc but not be intimate. I am lost in what I should do, I do get angry but cannot express it - it feels like a game but I do not know. My worry actually is if she does not leave I may. Quite a frustrating position. I am wondering if anyone understands this, putting a maybe deadline on us but then wanting everything else. I want things to be positive, I also guess I deserve a bit of this for being neglectful. I am changing - exercising, seeing a counseller, being romantic and caring ... I think she wants to see if it lasts. How do I not get anrgy and strive to be the best I can? Any ideasThanks
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 I am not gonna say your wife is right on principle just because she is a woman, and I admit there are many better ways to handle a situation like this than hers, but I can see where she is coming from.
Of course she wants to see if your change of attitude lasts ! What do you think, that SAYING "Ok I was wrong , from now on I am going to be caring and romantic " will be enough ? Everybody can make a big show of tenderness and romance to deflect a crisis, but then it has to last more than a few days or weeks, or even months- it has to become a way of life, a changed,interiorized attitude . Actually, it's not even a problem of duration, the problem is you've gotta feel it, not just become good at putting it on like a mask when it's expedient !
She is wrong in denying you sex in the meantime , and she is even more wrong if she does that to get back at you for having been neglectful. But I don't think this is the reason, I don't think she is getting some sort of revenge.
Simply, women are not good at all in separating feelings from sex, emotions from physical fulfillment, like men do. Most men would have no trouble having sex with a hot girl they are still a bit mad at ; most women would turn down a hot male stripper they just had a row with.
Maybe your wife still feels hurt or disappointed by you, and that may have dampened , or totally killed her libido. She might not be even capable yet to have sex with you, of getting aroused. Or, she technically could, but she does not see why she should until you both have overcome your murual ambivalence and decided about the future of relationship.
Again, I am not saying that she is right , just that she is understandable. If you really want to save your marriage, you'll have to show a lot of patience and comprehension, after all that's part too of showing her you have changed.
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