A
male
age
36-40,
*txi
writes:Ok, I'm going to leave out a lot of detail here because I don't want it to distract from the main issue.I have 3 more weeks to win this woman back, I originally put her off because she saw me as being needy when I really wasn't. (I mentioned joining a load of clubs that she was in simply because those were the only clubs I knew of, not because I just wanted to be with her all the time, and a few other things) She then distanced herself because of this, which made me worry because I didn't know why she was being distant, therefore making me seem even more needy.Now I accept that it may be too late and that she simply is no longer attracted to me, but in the chance that she still sees something in me how should I act?Should I acknowledge her mistakes in thinking that I'm not independent? (I mean in case we end up talking about what happened)Should I ignore all my previous uncertainties and just carry on only with more confidence?Should I explain the situation as it was to her and why I might have seemed needy?So far I think the second option is best, but if I only have 3 weeks would that be enough time for her opinion to be changed to the truth?
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male
reader, Arcturius  +, writes (28 September 2010):
Women insulate themselves with the contact thing. You answered it yourself in that last post. She started to see it as a "commitment" I.E. Work, rather than pleasure. This is a natural thing, it's why women don't want us to see them first thing in the morning generally until well after they're intimate with us. However, when the whole relationship becomes like that, they insulate themselves by only doing it part time. Sorry it worked out this way for you, I know the feeling. Only thing i can say is, don't let it keep you down, move on and forward.
A
male
reader, Itxi +, writes (27 September 2010):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the question Finally got some closure, I just got back from meeting her.It is over, but not for any of the reasons stated. I really wasn't clingy or needy, I may have made myself sound as such through the posts but I really wasn't (maybe a bit last weekend but that's understandable) I even asked her (it was already over, couldn't do any harm) whether I had seemed less independent than she expected, she said that she saw me as being very independent and not clingy.It ended because of pressure, she said that there was nothing wrong with me, how I looked or acted. She's just starting her second year of university and she started to see the relationship as a commitment rather than something to enjoy (she does it with all her hobbies as well, in her words she does it with everything she cares about) I may have made it slightly worse when I told her that I didn't know many people around here, but we cleared up that it was simply me stating what I wanted to change in my life before changing it, still, it didn't help things at the time.But there were no fake moments, when she told me that she loved me she meant it. Which is always a comforting thought.We still get along great and we had a bit of a laugh whilst we were talking, we really do connect. But it's too late, she doesn't want this anymore.Thankyou for your advice! It has helped me get through it.I just wish she'd told me that she was feeling pressured when it first started to happen, I would have understood and reassured her. I feel like I was cheated out of this one. :(
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A
male
reader, Itxi +, writes (24 September 2010):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers, I sure hope you're right.
I've been asking for advice from a few websites and the replies have varied from 'she just doesn't like you anymore' to what you said. Either way I'm pretty sure I'm going to hear from her again.
Thankyou for all the advice! :)
One last question though, you said that it's obvious that she likes me a lot, but why has contact with her outside of contact hours been so bad? She never tended to respond to texts either, not that it bothered me much.
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A
male
reader, Arcturius +, writes (23 September 2010):
Thanks for the details. The answer to this is simple now, you just can't see it cause you're too close to this situation. She likes you. A LOT. The pregnancy scare made her think about how much she cares for you, and how tenuous you're relationship is, i.e. in her mind she thought about how you could go home and leave her with a broken heart, and a baby. Those thoughts scared the crap out of her, and part of her fear response was questioning everything, and trying to distance herself from you in an effort to protect herself. All you need do is 1. Decide if you're willing to make this relationship work in spite of the distance and such and 2. Reassure her that you'll be there no matter what. Only do those things if you really want a long term relationship with her, otherwise you're just going to hurt her. And yes, having fun is a great idea.
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male
reader, Itxi +, writes (23 September 2010):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I should add a bit more detail. Things started fine, but I think that when I mentioned my interest in getting a VISA to stay in the country she thought that I was doing it just to be with her, I wasn't, I was given an opportunity to get a work VISA and saw it as a rare chance that should be taken. She started to back of a bit and it made me nervous, so things got a bit awkward because I didn't know why she was distancing herself. This made me become less attractive to her.However, the awkward moments were only when we were going to depart for a bit (I have a heavy work schedule here and thus we could only see eachother about twice a week). My work schedule also stressed me out because (and I told her) that it meant I only had work and her at the moment, when I wanted to have my own life as well.Things were going great in the bedroom as well, and she is a virgin yet wanted to lose it with me (we tried but it hurt her too much, haven't been together overnight since so I don't know if she still does) A few days later (Saturday) she cancelled a date with me and said that she's been thinking about something all day and had come to a conclusion, fearing that the awkward silences could be her thinking about ending it and me also having doubts about the relationship I sent her a text saying that she might as well say it because I was thinking the same thing. (possibly breaking up) She got the gist of what I was saying and rang, quite upset just saying that she'd been feeling pressured to be with me and that she just wanted a break. We had a talk and I told her that I just want to enjoy being with her (we do have a great time when together), we ended the conversation with very a sincere 'I love you' each.Now, I have realised that she felt pressured because she thought that I depended on her, I know that now but didn't then. The following Friday (last Friday) she rang me because she was feeling down about her constant upset stomach that had been bothering her the last 3 weeks, I comforted her but I was too worried about the relationship to focus (Stupid of me, things were fine) She mentioned the brief fear that she'd had about pregnancy, I said that it had crossed my mind but I didn't think she was, but I offered to buy her a pregnancy test to put her mind at rest so that she could relax. Turns out that I just made her think that she might be pregnant even more, after the conversation she sent me a text saying 'How could I be pregnant? You were meant to keep me safe!' Now, I have kept her safe, the one time we tried to have sex I used a condom and the rest of the time we have only messed around and not done anything that could get her pregnant. (And I know enough to be sure of that) But her text hurt me and I was worried about her, so I sent her some texts on my lunch break asking whether she was ok and whether she needed comforting, she said to just leave her alone for now. I got stupid and sent her a text saying that I hope she's not angry at me, that I didn't take any risks that might have made her pregnant and that I was sorry for making her life complicated during her time at university.Saturday I sent her a text just casually asking her whether she would want to meet up for a performance at the free theatre we used to go to together. She said that she was busy that day, I said that it's fine and wished her a good day.The next day I just sent a text asking her how she had been and how the 24-hour plays had gone (it was what she had been doing) She said that it had been good and elaborated a bit on it, I told her about the performance and then asked whether she was busy because I wanted to phone her. She said that she was and to ring her that night. I rang her about 7 but she didn't answer, so I rang again at 8, at this point I knew that she was ignoring my calls. I sent her a text saying that I felt that there was something she wasn't telling me and that we needed to talk because although I was ultimately ok with whatever happened the uncertainty was getting to me.I am yet to hear from her, I left her a voicemail calmly asking whether she'd want to go to the museum (something we'd spoken about doing a lot) on saturday.My feeling is that if I hadn't of panicked last weekend then everything would be ok now. She's had a lot of ex's that were dependant on her and she's very cautious about it happening again, the truth is that her not telling me what was going on combined with work (out from 10-10 for 9 hours pay and never getting complete pay or on time pay. Leaving me with little time and almost always no money) have really drained me and I let it get to me. But now I think she's either completely off me or just very cautious, though I think that if she was completely off me she would have said by now, she's that kind of person.If I don't hear from her about the museum I'm going to go anyway, just so that if she does ask what I did she doesn't think that I only want to do stuff with her.Thankyou for the good wishes and great advice, I'm sure that if I had more time here it would work, but I need to build up a stable base before I go for it to work long-term, I'm just going to focus on having fun when I'm with her rather than on how the relationship seems to be going. :)
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reader, Arcturius +, writes (23 September 2010):
You didn't mention the desperate texts before, so I'm assuming that you sent them after your post, that may complicate things a bit, depending on what you said in them, and how long ago it was... In any case, if you want a more in depth perspective, I'll keep an eye on this post, good luck!
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reader, Itxi +, writes (22 September 2010):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! I'm still kicking myself from letting myself get so panicked and sending desperate texts to her phone, one of those things that just make you cringe in recollection. I just hope it's not too late to turn things round.
I've left her a message, let's see how it goes.
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A
male
reader, Arcturius +, writes (22 September 2010):
You're right about the 2nd option, thats the best one you listed. If you're going to do any of those things that would be the best one. However how you go about it is key, it sounds like she got creeped out by her perception that you wanted too much contact with her too fast, and that made her less attracted to you. DO NOT DISCUSS this with her, it will only anchor her feeling of "he's a creep" more deeply in her mind. Example: If I say to you "I really don't want you to think about Elephants" - what are you thinking about? You've gotta do a couple of things that are gonna be hard. 1. Don't go out of your way to have contact with her, be a little aloof. 2. Text or call her once, preferably call, and ask her to meet you for a drink. If you get voicemail-LEAVE a message. Then do not call her again or contact her in any way for days. The message should be something like: "Hey, it's (your name), I would like to see you again, so I was wondering if you would like to meet for a drink at X place on saturday night around 10. DO not go to that place if you don't hear back from her. She may call and accept, she may not, more likely she'll ignore your message to see what you do next. Don't do anything, she'll call or text you if she's still interested, if you go with the above example, it'll probably be sunday. DO NOT ask her what she did Saturday night when this happens, talk abotu whatever else you want and move forward--- Ask her to meet for lunch or something if the conversation goes well. Don't ever bring up your mistake or ask her where she was. Start over.
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