A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi cupids, I need help on this one. I am just too busy or tired to go out and meet guys. I'm in my late 20s, great career, well educated, in shape, and give 110 % to my kid. The last part obviously scares away a lot of men. So, a friend convinced me to try online dating. I thought that was for desperate people but my friend convinced me otherwise. I think I may have met a nice man online. He emails me once a day for the last few days. Now, I'm wondering why he hasn't asked for my number, or a date, or emails me more often. I start thinking, Well, he must get emails on his phone, so shouldn't I get a faster response? Am I being too pushy and demanding so soon? Is this why I have problems dating, whether online or not? He closed his online dating account so I'm also wondering what's that about. Can you guys please give me some dating advice? Or suggest a good dating book? I've only had 2 serious partners ever. Thanks very, very much. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Well how many days is a 'few' days? Have you been talking longer than a week? More than 2 weeks? Or is it under a week?
Generally with online dating, you email for a little while - this phase can last for a day to a couple of weels, everyone is different, then normally you will then go onto ask for a phone number and the emails will be replaced with texting - again this can go on for a day to a couple of weeks, and then this will be followed by asking you out for a date.
However you have to keep an open mind with online dating - everyone you meet will be different and they will act different with texts/emails/meeting up etc. I am currently using an online dating site here in the UK and I have been on a few dates so far. One guy sent me only 3 or 4 messages and then asked me out - he was very direct and didnt believe in lots of messages before meeting up, he thought seeing each other in person was far better than lots of emails. Whereas another guy I met up with was messaging me for 2 weeks and it took him ages to actually ask me out, I was starting to think he never would! Both were equally nice guys - its just they have different personalities and different approaches to dating. The guy who took a few weeks to ask me out is also pretty shy so I think that is part of the reason it took him so long.
If this guy has closed his online dating account but is still emailing you then this is a good sign, dont worry why he has closed his account - he might be fed up with it, it might not have been working for him, it might be that he is happy with messaging you and doesnt want to talk to anyone else...but regardless of his reason, if he is still talking to you then this is good.
I think what you should do next is maybe make up a little white lie as an excuse to give him your phone number and then see if he will text you. I do this quite a lot with the guys I message - if we are messaging frequently then I will say at some point in a message "I'm going away this weekend/wont be able to get online much on xxx day so here is my phone number if you want to text me as it will be easier to get me on there". That way you have made a bit of a move, but it sounds very innocent and it helps you to judge their interest. If he texts you then great, he is interested, if he doesnt then he isnt interested and you can move on.
Online dating is pretty different to dating in real life, so you need to have a different approach - an open mind, you need to be more detached (so dont get involved too quickly), dont read too much into messages at an early stage, accept that they will be messaging and dating multiple people, and be very casual and laid back about it all until you have been on quite a few dates with one person.
Generally if you are messaging someone they are going to be talking to lots of other people too, so dont expect super quick responses or them to dedicate too much time to you. Be relaxed about it and dont stress - you are just messaging someone, you have never met the person and you dont know much about them - if nothing comes of the messages then its not a big deal, there will be plenty of other men on that dating site. So dont allow yourself to get too excited about a guy before you have met up, dont invest too much hope into him and relax, approach it as some casual getting to know you messages and if a date comes out of it then great, if not then no worried and move on.
Keep in mind that in real life if you have been on a date with someone you get that physical connection and can really judge what they are like as a person, hence why it can be so hurtful if they dont call or it doesnt lead anywhere. But if it is just messaging then none of that has happened, so you have not lost much if it never goes anywhere. Keep on messaging other guys and keep your options open until you have been on a few dates and you get a good feeling about someone.
I hope this helps and good luck!
|
