A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met a man online, I haven't dated for a while by choice...but we seemed to have a lot in common. I spoke to him via the site for a while and then we moved on to phone and text and we texted back and forth all day everyday. We agreed to meet and got on great he seemed great and sincere and like an idiot I let my guard down and we ended up in bed. Initially everything was fine not weird at all and we agreed to meet up again...we continued texting back and forth. Then after a couple of days his texts diminished to nothing. Eventually I sent him a text to ask him when he was coming back over and got an nondescript I don't know I'll get back to you...then nothing. So being forthright I said look no drama but if it was only a one night thing please tell me there's no pressure but I'd rather know. I then received a what the hell text so I replied look I'm sorry I never meant it in a bad way I just wanted to know. Since then nothing he's ignored me completely. I know I should have waited a while before jumping into bed with him but that's one of those things I can't change...but I really did like him and I believed he liked me too and now I just feel crappy. I have ceased contacting him but I'm not sure what to do other than feel rubbish about what happened and myself.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (11 February 2013):
OP wrote - "Hmm I feel like I should add to this I'm not promiscuous in fact this has turned out to be my only one night stand, and the point about men not wanting to have a relationship with someone who slept with them on a first date is a complete double standard."
No more than women are not generally attracted to men who are overly nice to them is a "double standard." I would say its more a test of evolutionary fitness, if you will.
More obviously, you made a point to state you are not promiscuous and this was your first one night stand. Clearly by the way you have put this, you are claiming something of value in this two statements. So if you yourself posit sexual discrimination as a positive attribute to have as a woman, how is it a "double standard" for men to hold the same view?
Last, despite running roughshod over the details - nothing "just happens." You CHOSE it to happen. Unless he forced himself on you, which is a very different matter, you are 100% culpable for the action that you CHOSE to have happen. It is not his "fault" - you had 100% veto power at any time and decided not to use it.
Look, I applaud you from seemingly learning from making a decision that you dont want to make again, but that doesnt change the fact that making it in the first place was 100% up to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice I have really appreciated the time you have taken to write to me. Other hurt pride and some feelings of ambivalence towards the opposite sex which I'm sure won't last I will be fine. At the end of the day I can't change it and I wouldn't want too, it was a life lesson. So no regrets and onwards and upwards, if what happened put him off or he played me it's not my problem at least I know better now. I have good friends and plenty to keep me busy and I feel much better. So thanks again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 Dear OP, it IS a double standard. Double standards are bad things, yet they do exist and you have to reckon with them.
Same as, I don't know, pollution. Pollution is bad, it should not exist. But it does, and you want to take it into account before bathing in the river crossing an industrial town. Or, be a good sport and do not complain when they take you to the hospital after your swim in the highly polluted river.
You can decide you don't give a damn, you'll sleep with whom you want when you want anyway, and if they aren't serious and they only want a roll in the hay , too bad for those morons, they don't know they are missing out on a great gal.
Or, you may decide you need to be prudent and discriminating, because some people are manipulative and self serving users, or else close minded double standarders , and you need to size them up well before getting intimated, to avoid getting hurt.
What you should not do , it's the something in between that you just did- being impulsive , jumping into things head first... and then feeling hurt and upset for having gotten a lump in your head.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 February 2013):
 I am sorry that this has really gotten to you and yes it's so easy to hear what you want and start planning a bit of fantasy before you really know the guy. I have done it myself and remember talking to a chap (quite a few years ago now) who, on the phone, really sounded wonderful and I had to stop myself wrapping it in a pink bow. We didn't meet for a few weeks because I was busy with work and family and he said some really sweet things...when we finally did meet, there was absolutely no attraction whatsoever and the date was filled with akward silences. I thought the wrong guy had turned up!!
After the one time we didn't make contact again and I figured all the 'fluffy words and sentiments' were just him in his imaginary world of who he though I was...and visa versa!!!
It's really hard to meet someone nice and genuine. Online dating seems like a good idea but you have to go easy, because it's a bit like swimming with sharks!!
I hit 47 and decided I was going to give up trying to find someone and to be honest, I am so much more relaxed and able to enjoy life, but realise the single life isn't for everyone.
Give yourself a bit of time to recover and ask yourself what you learned from the experience and what you'd do differently next time.
There are still happy times ahead so don't let the messers spoil your outlook on life.
Good luck xxx
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 February 2013):
 SVC has given you a CLEAR description of the MINIMUM contacts and contexts necessary to take/make a second date with a guy...
From your re-submittal, I believe you are trying to justify why you were too intimate with this guy too soon... BUT all you can get from that is a few "warm and fuzzies" within yourself. You need to look outside (at what some of the Aunts and Uncles have said.....) to understand just what a horny young guy, on the prowl, thinks about a vulnerable woman....
Good luck for the future. I believe that you have a better handle on such matters, now.....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
 stop feeling rubbish about yourself.
use this to live and learn.
you liked him and made a judgment call... and it didn't work out the way you wanted.
Here's my take on online meetings...
you meet online and that's fine
but if within 2 weeks or so of meeting online you have not set up plans to meet in person (at say a coffee shop or something) then they are just wasting your time...
if you meet online then messages should be
hey I like your profile let's talk what's your number by the THIRD message...
longer than that and they are just time wasters.
so if you give them your number (cell or work only please) and they don't call... (NOT TEXT... texting is not a way to have a relationship) then it's on to the Next guy.... time wasters just want an ego stroke of your attention...they don't want a real relationship.
so you meet online
3-5 messages back and forth and he asks for your number
you send it
within 2 phone calls (NOT TEXTS) he should ask to meet you IRL
if not... NEXT! cause he's wasting time.
meet him in real life at a public place for coffee or something casual for an hour or two.
then leave...
let him contact you for a real date after that
again meet him there in public
do not go to his place
do not have him to yours
NO in home dating for at least 4-6 dates
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm I feel like I should add to this I'm not promiscuous in fact this has turned out to be my only one night stand, and the point about men not wanting to have a relationship with someone who slept with them on a first date is a complete double standard.
I spoke to this man all day everyday for a substantial amount of time and I felt like I knew him, which sounds naive I'm aware of that. Would I have agreed to a one night stand no I wouldn't. And I'd like to point out that I didn't meet him and sleep with him in 5 mins. We met in the morning spent the day together, went out for the evening and the goodbye kiss just turned into something it shouldn't have.
Did I fall for sweet words and promises from someone I thought I knew, yes, yes I did. Did I believe he was sincere...totally. I have spent several years enjoying being single...I'm guilty of falling for someone who said what I wanted and maybe needed to hear.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (11 February 2013):
A tough lesson. I personally dont know any guy who would be willing to make an emotional investment in a woman who slept with him on the first date. Most of us simply arent wired that way.
Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, Yankho  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 sorry dear,just be careful next time,mistakes are there for us to learn from..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 February 2013):
WE guys can act pretty stupid, once we've gotten a girl to put out for us.... wouldn't you say????????
Good luck in the future.....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 February 2013):
Yep it's a bit upsetting but don't lose hope or let one bad experience stop you from meeting someone else xxx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 February 2013):
 Most people know how to have a great first date. I would not put so much emphasis on the mistake of putting out too soon. You and him may not be a good match. Unfortunately there is never a good etiquette in breaking things off. The day to day texting is also not a promise that a relationship is taking place. Maybe he is dating other women to find the best match because he is not entirely sure that he won't get back to you. If he finds a better match later in my opinion he is not obligated to tell you anything. When I date online and the other is not interested, I just sigh and move on to the next. There is no need to immediately jump to conclusions that he is only in it for casual sex. He is allowed to date other women unless otherwise specified that you only date one at a time, and expect the same from him. I have my fair share of dumping people and being dumped. In all honesty I could never bring myself to tell the guy, you are overweight, and you smell like cigarettes and body odor. I also would not want to know why the other person is not interested in me. I will not change for anyone and I am confident that another guy will like me as I am.
Strong interest is important to me, so I will not wait around for a guy to get back to me. When you ask him when he will come back to you he knows that you are way more interested in him that he's into you. It also shows you don't have other options. I know the sexual double standard is there, but it is not automatically a reason why a guy is put off when you have sex too soon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): Don't beat yourself up your not the first or last, there should be a register of names, men who literally come and go. They are the ones who look for sex and never a relationship online. Will tell you what you want to hear. More likely to date the girl from work eventually. Learn from it and move on.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (10 February 2013):
You will not be his first or his last. Why not get yourself made up and go out? It seems that people are becoming very desperate and men like him are waiting to take advantage of that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses, you're right I'm not a kid, I think it was just a long time since I connected with someone on that level I got swept up in it and it made me act in a way I wouldn't normally. Mostly I'm angry with myself and hurt that a person I thought was decent turned out not to be. I have deleted his contact details so I don't have a weak moment and contact him and I removed myself from the site I met him on because I didn't want to torture myself with the knowledge that he was there and actively ignoring me. It is turning out to be a valuable but painful lesson.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 February 2013):
 This happens, more than you'd think and to a lot of people. It is hard to resist that initial pull when you meet someone for the first time and it seems like everything is falling into place. Especially when the bulk of the interaction is conducted online.
It is hard to guess why the guy never called you back. Perhaps there was something that he felt wasn't a match or more than likely: he just wanted to get laid.
It sounds like you learned a lesson here. While there isn't anything that can be done to magically get over the pain is other than give it time. You made a mistake -- you gave away your trust perhaps a little easily.
The dating world is rough and being single is never easy. Just learn to forgive yourself and hopefully Mr Right will be around the corner soon.
Be kind to yourself.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 February 2013):
Don't feel rubbish because some men can be really pursuasive at charming women into bed. They will say what they think you want to hear (true or not) they will be attentive and 'interested' and present, but when the deed is done they dissapear like mist.
Your not a kid so you probably already know that some men are turned off by women who give out too soon (even if they talked you into it)...that's just the way it goes.
The internet has made the act of meeting someone very clnical and superficial...theres no work required by most...they just send a few texts, plan a meet and before you kow it...your in their bed (or they yours)...all the subtlties of body language, mystery, finding out who someone is slowly and feeling the building chemistry has been reduced to a microwave meal version...not much content, ready in 3 minutes and consumed in a flash...then your hungry for something else!!
This bloke has backed off a million miles but you are still in the danger zone, so you have some serious back peddling to do when he comes around againfor a bunk up..you're going to have to let him know that your no fool, it was a one time thing unless a real relationship is in the offing!!
If he thinks he can just pick you up and then go AWOL again, you need to tell him 'no deal' and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): Maybe he was just really busy suddenly, but it was kind of rude that he just stopped contact right after you guys slept together which would make me wonder too if I was just a one night stand. I think his attitude in response to your text message was a defensive one like maybe you were a one night stand but he just didn't have the balls to tell you. I'd wait it out if he really cared for you and wanted to develop a relationship with you he would come back around and not just back around for sex. Next time take it slow before jumping into bed.Be careful.
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