A
male
age
41-50,
*cottsterrier
writes:Hey everyoneMy question or advice requirement is as followsOver 6 months ago I met a beautiful stunning girl who was from USA - she was working in Manchester and I live in LondonWe had an amazing time and it got serious quick, we chatted we txt we called everyday - she took me back ti the USA to meet her parents. I met her friends... (they loved me apparently)She was.perfect - we even started making plans where I was looking to move down...She made me feel amazing , said things like she felt at home with me, said It was the start of something amazing, and even talked about going back to the USA with me... I treated her like the princess she was , fell in love with her.... And then the day after I told her I felt I was falling in love with her - she backed off, said we need to cool it ... But the day before that she told me we are having the time of our lives..So for 2 weeks she has been acting distant, I went to see her as she goes back home fir 5 weeks and was in tears...when I left her...But I sensed she was pulling away - and she emailed me to say she felt a bit of pressure and was worried that it was moving too fast..I took it the wrong way and we had a argument ... I did hassle her by txt a bit the next morning as in I wanted to know what what was happening she was angry and said she wanted to cool it..I haven't spoken to her since I've textedit a couple of times, but no reply... She is away now... For 5 weeks... I don't really know what to do, or what ti think...One week we are so in love the next it's changed...Can I ask advice please? Ben
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (24 April 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I broke the code and dropped her a txt nothing back - this is tough.
Do people just stop caring??? 2 months ago I was on cloud 9 now it's the opposite.
I really would
Ike to know what happened
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): So - a week has past and I get a txt from her - saying that it moved to quick and she wasn't ready fir anything - I didn't reply - tonight it looks like she has blocked me on facebook... As I haven't replied... God I miss her
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): PROB MY FINAL UPDATE ALL.
I recieved an email today, advising she was calling all pressure off and wanted to concentrate on travelling and her life. no one else to tie her down.
I replied but in my usual way replied that I have had an amazing time, and thanked her for that.
I guess, its over, I wont understand, how one minute it was perfect, and then the next its like a date gone wrong.
I gave and did all i could, its obvs not just meant to be....
I just wonder what it is all about...... this.....
thanks to everyone who has replied.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Scottsterrier
Hi its ben.
So I leave it, or begin to and she emails out the blue have a lovely weekend etc, I dont reply, she calls at 12am on sat, leaves no message (prob drunk).
I then admit, I woke up noticed the calls - and gave her an ultimatum, she then says she "doesnt want to feel bad about this", and said we should speak tomorrow.
So Sunday, she calls, I am out golfing, she leaves a lvely message, and then again a few texts as she is now out with her friend, we speak a little, however she is having to deal with her friends issues, and "isnt in a good place right now", I say relax, sort your friend out, and call me whens good for you.....
However I have yesterday since contacted her twice and had nothing back.
she is playing games? or she confused? or am i reeadin too much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): Hi,
working away on iphone...cant login forgot password
Just got an email from her friends boyfriend - being a mate...
saying that he wanted to tell me how he was gutted to hear that things had not worked out!?!?!
Should I say anything or leave it to her. im not happy at being strung along....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Yeh I am beginning to think this as well, despite of everything, I thought it was different..... having spoken to my friend he said the same, but again he cannot understand the efforts made by her to put herself centre stage with everyone..... thanks for all your input, ill update if anything changes....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): well she was completely honest and transparent with you in her e-mail of 24 March.
basically she has said she does not want to be in a full on relationship, she wants only a casual relationship if even that at all.
You need to accept that she does not want a full relationship, and not try to change her to want the same thing that you want.
Are you reading more into her recent texts than there really is? Do you see the fact that she is texting you at all, as "hope" that she will want a full relationship? Maybe she's only texting you to be polite or friendly but you're thinking this is a sign that there's hope she'll want more, like you do? if so, I think you should not hang on to this hope because it's not within your control.
Also, she could be going back to playing games or ping-ponging within herself as to what she wants.
I'm sorry but this girl seems like a red flag to me, either she's very confused and her boundaries keep changing from one week to another...or else she is consistent and took a stand and was perfectly blunt with you but then her "flaw" is that she caves in too easily to your pressure and thus ends up giving off mixed signals because she's not doing what she really wants to do but trying to strike a balance between what she wants and what she thinks will not hurt you.
either way, I think this relationship is going to be very stressful and it shouldn't be that way, which is a sign that this probably isn't meant to be, at least not right now under these circumstances. I think the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to move on from her.
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (4 April 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo an update if anyone is interested.. It's good to share I guess..We spoke today the call was upbeat - she wants to see me again... However she has weekends booked up and I do too... I was shocked to hear she has booked a tour herself to greece isles. However the call was very much us of old joking , and nicities... she was even commenting on how nice a guy I am , my friends, and the times we hav had together....I have well and truly left it her arms... Maybe she needs to find herself first??!
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (29 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has returned, and called me from the taxi - however it was just a catchup, and the end of the call was I will speak to you soon. no plans... were discussed....
Over the weekend I was asked out for a drink with a cute girl.... thinking about it, just getting impatient with the situation with the one I want!
She even acknowledged she got my txt and emails - sent me a few txts before we spoke.... but nothing mentioned on "us"....
Should I just contact her say "look what is happening am I seeing you in april?" or again?
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A
male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (25 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks I will never understand women, she txted back today but nothing than having a great time, good to see family etc. I don't get it all she was mad about me at one point... And even the day before this came to light... Maybe I am of the opinion that if you like someone it shouldnt be complicated!!! I admit I am a lot more chilled reading this - I guess what will be will be....
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 March 2011):
 The best thing you can do is to sit back and wait for her to come to you. You cant keep texting or calling. She is not replying therefore if you keep trying to contact her you will come across as needy. She has explained she is not ready for commitment, and am sure this must be hard on you as you both were getting on well. But the sad truth is she is just not ready for anything serious with you at the moment, she wants time for herself to explore herself and find who she is. I honestly think the best thing you can do is to let her go. Because I feel in the end up you are only going to keep getting hurt. As you are wanting more than she is prepared to give.
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (25 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Thanks for your honest response Aunt Honesty.Of course I am going to have a mixed view of things....under 1 month ago, she was telling me - she had met her man, I make her feel special, etc etc.... now I feel like its a burden to even txt her, or call, she hasnt answered any communication this week. She returns for the USA next week...I do not get it all! this is all new to me, I have never chased anyone, or had to draw back!....How can i get through to her, or do I just sit back now, and wait for her?..... I appreciate all honesty, this girl really is special, I never had so many great times in such a short space of time!
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reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (24 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow slow is slow? Ive text her twice not heard back from her, she is on vacation!
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (24 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow slow is slow? Ive text her twice not heard back from her, she is on vacation!
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 March 2011):
Well theres your answer, good for her she was completely honest with you and told you how she felt. It is clear she is not ready for commitment and she wants to enjoy her life independantly and doesnt want you holding her back. If you think you are strong enough to take things slow with her then do that. Just take baby steps and allow things to happen on her terms. Dont question her about what she is doing or where she is. Just let her live her own life. Also it would do you good to go out and enjoy your life as well. Meet with friends have some new expereinces so that this girl is not the only thing on your mind!
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reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (24 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmail from her last night.
Ok so I’ve had 2 emails, and as many txts!
I understand exactly where you're coming from. I am not ignoring you though. I have had many moments before this one, which you know because you witnessed it. You have always known that at times I have felt like backing away because things were moving too quickly. I'm not good at hiding it and you have dealt with it before. This time, the feelings of pressure and stress are not going away though, so this is a new development in terms of dealing with it. We have had some absolutely amazing times - which I admit and why wouldn't I? I'm being honest and telling you I want to pull things back a bit, and I'm feeling even more pressure with the phone calls and emails and texts.
What you have said about us is all true, and you're probably right - my backing off does not ''augur well''. I am in a full-on relationship and I don't want to be. I came to UK get back to being me, but now I am just being an 'us'. That is why I am backing away. I want to have the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want - that means across everything: you not getting upset when I book things with my friends, making a last minute decision to go to the theatre, going to speed-dating not to pick up but to see what it is like, rubbing the lucky statue on the Charles bridge, standing with a foot in East Germany and West Germany ... it means LOTS of things. There are hundreds of things, and I am here for a finite amount of time and I want to try anything and everything.
I don’t want to hurt anyone and if I think I am going to (like what I am feeling now) I am going to do everything to avoid it. I don't want that pressure, I'm not fully ready to let someone into my life clearly and I know that because of how I feel now. So again, I come back to the fact that if you want to pull this back and take it a lot easier, I can do that. But I want you to live your life and me to live mine and we can see each other when it works for both of us – I think you are all the things I’ve said but I hurt someone last year, and seeing him again reminds me of how bad and a mess he was, you are the nicest man, a gentleman - I have ever met, and we have good chemistry, and we get each other!
Im being honest, I like you, I just need to find myself again first – and for you to give me time……and hopefully speak when I come back.
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (22 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi so here is an update.
I spoke with her for a few mins on hotmail chat. nothing really she was "busy".
then I emailed her - a note advising what I wanted to do -
and that I would give her time, I also stupidly place a link to a tune, that made me think about her.
I then heard from her on my birthday, just a simple I hope you had a good day, and how she was enjoying being back home.
so now - im getting the feeling its over, been a week, and nothing.... Its so hard having to stop yourself chasing...
I honestly have not got on with anyone like her, or clicked, we both said that, and the things she said, were just amazing....
perhaps she has gone off me, but its still hard to take, one minute we were "perfect" in her eyes, to this......
Life aint easy is it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): sheesh she sounds like a very frustrating person to deal with. I hate it when people are not straight with you and give conflicting messages.
I don't blame you for holding onto hope because it doesn't sound like she has run away completely, yet she's obviously still holding back.
FWIW it sounds to me that she isn't really interested in you but is wanting to keep you around, maybe as a back up plan.
If she won't even say what's on her mind and what she wants, you'll be in for a roller coaster the more you hold on. based on this, I think you should walk away from her. Who cares if she's still interested in you, she's yanking you around for reasons known only to herself because she won't communicate yet won't let you go either. stop wasting your time on her.
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (10 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk here is the last message ball is in her court??
It was good talking to you last night, excuse the cheeky text... guess you were a tired little Lady.
I hope you are ok, - we can maybe chat when you are back if it works for you – I don’t doubt that it can be pulled back – I guess sometimes I didn’t see the wood for the trees
Go away relax, soak up the sun, drink and eat the finest foods, and have a great time at home
Safe flight.
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (8 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry further info - when I texted her the in the morning initially when I was getting impatient... I said I can't do this, if we are not working it out. You seem to have made your choice. She texted me that day - I hope you have not jumped the gun with that comment. But if you have then I guess it's goodbye for now!? I guess this trip back home will show her if she misses me??
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (8 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so I called, we spoke, talked about plans for the next month and what she had organised. But there wasn't much else. It felt like she wanted to say something, but she held back. We finished the call and it was a I'll speak to you sometime then ? I said yeh enjoy your travels.Guess if it's meant to be it will happen if not then it won't.
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female
reader, Foxxy1  +, writes (8 March 2011):
Good for you...Just dont push it this time. Let the call be short and concise and wish her well and be the first to hang up telling her hope to speak to you soon. She needed the space and continue to give it and give her time to come back to you if she still wants to.
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (7 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe replied said that's no problem and we can speak tomorrow
Not sure how to read this
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (7 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so I sent a txt saying - it would be great to catch up when you are away - I won't cause pressure or mention anything. Just want to see how you are... I haven't heard back....
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male
reader, Scottsterrier +, writes (7 March 2011):
Scottsterrier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, she is 29.
Im scared I have lost her now..
My last text was- I that I hoped she would get in contact with me soon, and wished her a safe trip home.
Guess I will just have to see if she comes back....
yeh I should have played it cooler. everythng felt so right, chemistry was strong, she said the nicest things. the sex was the best, we agreed on all of this, and how wer felt.....
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female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (6 March 2011):
Love feels good and it hurts. I have been advised to play the love game very lightly and protect your heart. I always thought if it feels right and you know you are in love one should be free. But I learnt the hard way. You have to play the game of love to secure your heart. Give her the challenge she is asking for and she will come around. Don't be quick to think she found someone else. Just go with the flow. How old is she? If she was at that age of settling saying "I'm in love with you" after 6 months should not scare her off because my boo told me he loved me after one week and I hung in there because I would rather hear that than question if he did.Hang in there bro. Don't call her until she calls you back and when she does, just play it cool. Let her wonder whats going on.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 March 2011):
 Yes, you did move too fast in telling her you were in love with her, and it scared her off.
As Aunt Honesty and auntie Caylie both said, the best thing to do now is leave her be until she returns after five weeks. Then you might send a casual, friendly text (or email or phone call) and see how she is. Remember, no more pressure!
Hope it works out the way you want it to....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): hey man, i feel ya. ive been with this girl for about 6 months now too, although we both live in the same town, the story is pretty much the same. she's told me things she never told anyone else before. we hung out all the time, and i fell in love. but recently, she wanted a tiny break. and last night at a party at my house i cried as she told me for right now she cant do it anymore. Ive been up all night and maybe got three hours of sleep thinking...theres really no answer that works for one guy and then works again for another. i guess the terrible awful peice of shit saying, "if its meant to be, she'll come back" is all you can hold on to. I hope everything works out for you man,i really do....try sending out good vibes to the universe, be positive if/when you do think about her, and always keep a place for her in your heart. the universe just wants to answer what people throw out at it...she told me that. i hope it works, for both of our sakes.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 March 2011):
It sounds to me like she backed away because you told her you were in love with her. You moved things a bit to fast for her and it scared her a bit. You need to learn to take things slowly and dont rush in to anything. I think now the best thing you can do is to give her some space. Do not contact her again for the next five weeks because you will only come across as needy and scare her even more. Therefore no more texts or calls to her, give her then 5 weeks to cool down and think things through. When she comes back ask her does she want to meet up and talk things through. Agree with her that you will take things more slowely in future. Goodluck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): I'm sorry that you're in distress. I would say the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to back off. Don't contact her and tell her that you need time for yourself. As hard as it may be, she may not be a reliable person to continue with and it may be best to end it now in the early phase of the relationship. I don't think going from being very in love to this is a good sign for stability in the long term.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): You didn't do anything wrong, initially...you and her were having a good time, she told you she felt good being with you and she even talked about going back to the US with you..you met her parents and friends. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you telling her you are in love with her, what else did she expect?so for her to suddenly back off and pull away the day after you tell her you're in love with her - that's not fair of her. she needs to sort her head out. But she owed you some explanation not to just pull away without saying anything. that's just plain rude of her.you had every right to be upset, but I think you may have gone a bit over board with "hassling" her. you should have contacted a few times and if no response or the response is not what you want to hear, you should have assumed it's over (despite the bafflement you must have been feeling just make something up to tell yourself to make it make sense to you) and tell her that you have to assume the relationship is over, not to continue pressuring her to go back to how she used to be.that said, right now since she's away for several weeks I assume she's not contacting you. I would send her one more text or email to say that unless she says anything otherwise, unless she is willing to talk about any misunderstandings, you have to assume this relationship is over....since a relationship without communication is no relationship at all...I wish you all the best...it sucks when people pull your strings like this.
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female
reader, Ashco +, writes (6 March 2011):
If she is anything like me then you scared her off.Is she the same age as you? Just wondering because if she is a bit younger then maybe she isn't ready for a commitment. Or maybe she doesn't feel the same way about you yet. Or if she does feel the same then maybe she is scared of telling you because she doesn't want to get hurt. Either way this is just my 2 cents.6 months is a bit to soon to fall for someone, but it can happen i suppouse.I think you should just give her space for a little while.I hope everything works out for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): Although whirlwind romances like that are exhilirating, they are also a red flag and not a way to create something long lasting. Since everything is exaggerated and all consuming in the beginning, the romance has nowhere to go but down.
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female
reader, aunty-caylie_x  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 hello ben my name is aunty caylie my advice is to just give her a bit of space and when shes ready she will contact you because after reading your letter i also feel that you's have moved very quickly and i feel that you;s both could do with a bit of space.
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