A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why is it considered in this society to be more acceptable to have a one-night-stand than it is to flit just to flirt? Why is it just so wrong to have a boyfriend and leave it juts at making out and heavy petting (leaving the clothes on)? Why is it that people like my sister (she is religious) get to say "no sex to marriage) and no one blinks or questions it, b ut when I have had sex before, I don't get to say no without someone trying to change my mind and when I do say no, I am the bad guy? Why can't I simply just enjoy being young, single, and free? Why not just flirt, date, and have fun? Why not just randomly date and mess around and not have to have ONE PERSON to HAVE to be around ALL THE TIME and feel obligated to have sex? Sex, including oral (I've done it) makes me feel DIRTY and I know my body well enough to know that it isn't for me. What is wrong with jut enjoying and having fun? It's not about making guys pay. It's like they want to skip the dating part, jump IMMEDIATELY into relationship and not let me not be in a relationship and not let me dump them. When I try to, they try to use my weed use against me by threatening to get me fired (that happened actually once) or telling my parents). Howcome other people can get away with all that and I can't?All I want is to enjoy being young before it's gone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): Our society is very sexual and so is your age group. I wouldn't say "making out with clothes on is for kids" but yes, the older you get, the more 'physical" you are expected to get. I don't think you consider sex dirty, I believe you FEEL dirty. If your sister is religious, maybe YOU were raised that way and it's residual guilt about doing it. Maybe you had it pounded into your head that it's dirty and you tried to "get over it". Maybe it really isn't for you because you're asexual or simply not ready. Only you know that. The point it, you have the RIGHT to not have oral/vaginal/anal sex and the guy/girl you are with has the RIGHT to say they want that and that you are not compatible. Even with your sister, she is probably looking not just for a potential boyfriend but a potential HUSBAND which means POSSIBLE SEX LATER ON THE ROAD. You're saying "never". At some point, no matter what happens, sex is expected in nearly all of humanity. Asexuals are the "invisible" minority as far as sexual orientation goes. There is NOTHING wrong with friendly, harmless, fun, flirting. Especially if you're not being sexual about it (I'm assuming you're not). But be prepared that someone could assume you want more. Going on dates is usually to see if you want a relationship, if you're switching off on who is paying, you're basically asking for either a) one guy-friend that you flirt and make out with exclusively but go "nowhere" with or b) several guy-friends that you flirt and make out with and go "nowhere" with. The first one is a relationship with no "ends" to the "means" and causes more than just sexual frustration and they'll grow bored and dump you. The second is just going to put you in a position where you are the "bad guy" because you are leading people on and either way, most people in your age group aren't going to accept that. I like the analogy of "here's the appetizer, I'll let you look at the entre but you don't get to eat it". I don't think you mean to be a bitch but it comes out like that.If you REALLY want all that to work, try asexual dating sites, if you can find any. ANY dating site is dangerous, though, and I would stick to PUBLIC places with YOUR OWN transport and giving NO personal information like your area of town you live in or where you work specifically ("I work with people with disabilities" "I'm an East-sider" is sufficient until you really get to know a person.) I'd suggest bringing a friend and inviting that person to GROUP activities where YOU already know most of the people. Do that before you have ANY one-on-one dates. You can always talk online and I'd be careful about giving out your number or checking your computer to make sure you're not giving out your location so easily. Some people are just curious to see where you're texting/messaging from (for their safety) but others are stalkers. And technology tells on you. It would be awful to have an "asexual" show up on your doorstep at a weird hour.As for weed, if it has the potential to get you in trouble at work (it has) or with your parents, then STOP SMOKING IT or be really careful who you share that information with. Get a person's view on it and remember that a person who wants to use that against you is a controller and an abuser. Anyone who wants early commitment is a sign of a controller too, so is anyone who monopolizes much of your time early on. You are trying so hard to hold yourself at a distance for your safety, but you're walking into dangerous circumstances. Put the weed down, stay public, make sure you have an available (and willing) support circle.I think you are STARVED for affection, and approval. You're not ready for sex and feel frustrated that you can't seem to enjoy being "young and free" without that (your parents didn't allow much young and free, I'm betting). Your sister "gets" to get away with that because she probably goes to church and is in the bible or whatever and walks the straight and narrow so she is CONSISTENT. You are not being consistent. If you want validation, validate YOURSELF. Want to feel attractive? Get a different hairstyle that you can handle and make it a point to work it. Start wearing makeup or change (not drastically) your style of dress by adding a "trademark" like cute sandals or handmade jewelry. Want to feel smart? Find something you're interested in (animal safety, educational system, charities etc) and learn as much as possible about it. Want to feel loved? Show love - volunteer at the humane society or with people with disabilities or at a literacy campaign or women's rights ... that will help you a LOT. If you want non-sexual affection, animals are a great way to go. Human Societies LOVE it when people come just to walk/pet/bathe/feed dogs and cats! It's also very rewarding. Find activities YOU like to do (running, working for a cause, reading) and join a group (book club, advocacy group for breast cancer, domestic violence) and get INVOLVED. You'll make friends that way and really, you'll find your niche. You'll grow, you'll see your worth. Focus on bettering YOU and the rest will follow. Don't worry about the flirting and dating for now. IT wil come when you are ready
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 Because flirting is generally a signal of sexual or romantic interest, and your way to signify : "if all goes well, I am open to more ".
Wait ! In only apparent contraddiction, there IS also a " social " flirting, a light sexy banter that does not particularly mean anything ( I was writing this in another post yesterday, so sorry about the repetitions ). You know, a way to say " I want exchange light hearted attentions. Let's play together. Now YOU compliment me and make me feel all pretty and feminine, and then I'll say something to you and you'll feel manly and seductive- but we are just joking and killing time ". But, you have to be good at it, you have to be a natural, both in doing it and in decoding it,- and anyway some people inevitably won't know the difference, which is, objectively, subtle.
So if you flirt ( and maybe you aren't very good at it , and are a tad clumsy too ) what you are saying is : " that's the appetizer, if you are play your cards right , I show you the entree' ". Although it is your right also to change your mind ANY TIME, no notice and no perticular explanation given, it is also inevitable and normal that some people will be surprised or upset they got a dinner invitation- but no food is served.
They may insist for being fed some morsel... can't blame a guy for tryng his luck ( if he does it with style, without arrogance , and without scaring you ) . Don't take it so personally. Just be firm in your no,- don't be coy .
As a matter of fact, if your flirtations gets you a date, I think you'd better be open and direct about your boundaries. If you do not want to have sex and you'll just up for kissing- it may be not very romantic and break a mood a bit, but- better saying it at once, the earliest possible. So everybody gets what is what , and nobody feels swindled or disrespected.
Of course you have to be coherent - your actions have to be matching your words. If you REALLY only want to kiss and with all your clothes on, do not put yourself in situations that suggest you may change your mind . Don't follow then home, don't invite them in your bedroom " to watch a movie ". Keep it to movie dates or romantic walks in the park or something like that ,until you know the guy better and you are positive that he got your message ( kissing only ) , and that he is perfectly fine with it.
As for how many boys will ne ok / interested in giving you just what you want, and for how long, i.e. strictly kissing only, I am afraid Cerberus is right, in your country and age range, not too many. That only means you have less options, not that you can't ever get what you want. Your reasons for not wanting sex might be dysfunctional and neurotic, or functional and healthy, but it does not really matter- you have any right to see your boundaries respected ( although, flirting MAY sound as an invitation to cross certain boundaries, hence the occasional confusion at times. Part of the game. You can't get your kisses if you do not realize that ).
One last thing : I have the sneaky suspicion that you may be the same poster of few days ago, the one who dragged home a drunk guy then could not shake him off from her shower and her bed. If this is you, no, OP, don't flirt, obviously you haven't mastered the hang of it , and / or are not good with assertiveness, effective communication, reading/ transmitting non -verbal cues, and a set of useful skills ,
that in you are still a bit underdeveloped. If you want to stay out of trouble.... let them come to you, maybe, bit do not initiate the game if then you don't know well how to play it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): Flirting is fine as long as you don't flirt with the wrong person. Like someone's boyfriend or husband, or a creep.
You can be as casual about sex as you like, provided you have safe-sex, and your partner has a full understanding of where you're coming from. Being reckless and irresponsible will either get you pregnant or an STD.
Your sister gets to say no; because she says it and she means it without teasing or sending any mixed signals. She travels in different circles than you, and she has a different personality which gets her point across easier.
You may be a free spirit; so your energy and personality projects it. Guys are confused about what you want from them; because you don't make any sense to them. (i.e. your post is pretty much all over the place!)
You've spoken in a lot of generalities. If you're dating; it's only logical that you date someone who is on the same page; then you don't usually have to spell things out for them. You also set boundaries at the start, so everyone knows the rules to play by. You don't go through with any activity you don't want to.
If you go on a date stoned, naturally a guy who doesn't get high has something to say about it. If your personality changes and you misbehave; people will complain about you using weed. No one wants to travel with you carrying an illegal substance; if you don't live in a state where it's legal.
There, I've covered just about everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): A lot of questions there, OP. One thing that stands out though is you say you don't like sex, that it makes you feel dirty and it's not for you?
Are you saying you're asexual? Because it would kind of explain all your "issues" here.
OP flirting is a signal of romantic interest or a way of increasing the sexual tension for fun. My wife flirts all the time but they know she's married and not interested.
You can't just flirt with people who are interested in you or don't know you're not interested without some of them being pissed that you lead them on.
It's not wrong to have a boyfriend with just kissing and leaving the clothes on but if that's all it ever is then we won't stick around. American guys your age won't stick around long at all if you're not going to go any further at some stage.
Of course you never have to have sex with anyone if you choose not to but you can't exactly complain if you piss people off by teasing them or leading just so far only to reject their advances completely every time.
Most of us want a healthy sex life, OP. I wouldn't date a girl like you, kissing and clothes on is for kids. I grew out of that when I hit puberty.
You're never obligated to have sex, OP, but you also have to get used to the horse being pissed that you led it to water but wouldn't let it drink sometimes too.
OP by all means go ahead and kiss and flirt all you want. You're a young woman who can do what she likes with her life. But like anything in life there are consequences and expectations to the things you do.
If you kiss a guy and let him fondle your tits he may try get more from you and be disappointed that you wouldn't. You just have to accept things like that will happen because it's a normal reaction.
OP just enjoy your life and don't worry about social norms too much but don't complain about guys wanting more from you, that's perfectly normal.
What you want is considered odd for someone your age these days, to never want anything more than kissing and flirting, ever. That may be fun to you but most people do that kind of stuff because they want more, they either want to date you and date you properly or they want to fuck you.
You may want to put some extra thought into that "sex is dirty" thing you have though, OP. Find out why you think that, when you started thinking that and whether it'd be worth your time getting rid of that notion if possible.
"Howcome other people can get away with all that and I can't?"
because you've limited yourself more than the rest of us.
I'm open to casual sex with the right person or dating when I'm single. I can also have a kiss and cuddle, and not want anything more. You're restricted to only one of those because you're not interested in sex, so a relationship with most guys is not on the cards and random hook ups are going to be mostly disappointing for people because you won't go further than above the clothes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): One night stands aren't "more acceptable", they are just giving more people what they want from you.
Buying everything that a salesman offers you at a store feels "more acceptable" than refusing most of it. But only at the time.
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