A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear readers,I wonder does anyone have similar a similar problem:Lately any guy that I have sex with doesn't seem to be able to maintain an erection. I understand that nerves etc. can play havoc and mixed with alcohol can also play havoc, but it's happened with a lot of guys lately. I don't know what to think, they say "it's not you" but because it keeps happening I'm wondering if it is me. I've been told that I'm attractive and I keep myself in good shape, slim with big boobs. I was in a long term relationship before and my partner rarely ever had an problems getting and maintaining an erection.When this happens, I try my best to make the person feel comfortable and try to help them relax, but it just doesn't seem to work, but yet they can certainly maintain an erection for oral sex! Then after they don't want to contact me again, even though I've been nice to them and not made them feel bad or anything, I try my best to be kind and understanding, maybe they're too embarrassed afterwards, i really don't know. Maybe it's the just the circumstances of where and when I've met them, but this happens with and without alcohol, with different people and different circumstances.It's starting to really affect my self-esteem which was never very strong in the first place, and I'm left feeling down, used and inadequate. Maybe I'm giving off too many "only want to be used for sex" signals. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated, thanks for reading.
View related questions:
boobs, erection, oral sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 For those who have been imbibing heavily, blame it on the alcohol. I think most people underrates the influence of alcohol on sex. In my experience, let's say that it never helps or enhances it: granted, not all guys will go limp because of a few glasses, but, for instance, you can have one who is normally a stallion being unable to have a second round.. someone who never has problems coming, getting delayed ejaculation... alcohol and sex may mix well psychologically ( they make you horny and self confident )... but , as for performances, not so much.
You say that it always happens without alcohol too, and that makes me think you ( and they ) could be a bit too over eager. Like, maybe you latch on to the kind of guys who have decided they are out on the pull and they MUST score before the night is out, and that any woman whasoever is better than no woman at all, so you are anxious to seal the deal , they are anxious to seal the deal... but basically there's no deal there, there's no chemistry, there's no spark, there's no attraction. Yes in theory a young man should be just like a healthy anumal which automatically answer to the biological imperative of copulating,.. but who knows, maybe we got too sophisticated for that and if the guy was not too sanguine about it to begin with, many apparently irrelevant details ( a smudged mascara, a shrill laugh, ..stupid stuff ) ... have been knowm to shortcircuit the call of nature.
In other words, pardon the bluntness, maybe you are bringing home guys who want to fuck ( or THINK they want to fuck )- but they don't particularly want to fuck YOU. And they discover it when the works are already in progress.
There's an easy way to avoid that, and it is to follow Chogirl's sensible and practical advice.
Same as, if you wanted to be sure you end up with a rich guy, you'd get reliable infos about his assets first, don't be in such a hurry to bring then home, - and CHECK first ( possibly without getting arrested for indecent exposure ) the ... reliability ? of their erection. Touch and feel what's gong on, and for how long, and how consistently , and convincingly. We don't want anything half hearted, half baked , " barely there ". I'm not one much for ONS, I don't quite grasp the concept, if nothing else because for me great sex is something that two people have to work a bit on together ,find their mutual groove...- but if it has to be just about the physical gratification, you have to SEE and FEEL the possible signs of this gratification. They have to be positively drooling over you, " trembling with desire " as a Harlequin book would put it, not just : oh well it's getting late ,I guess we might as well get out of here and go to your ( or my )place . No no. Be more selective- or less impatient. Why has it have to be a full ONS. Get the trailer first, and if it's convincing, the day after you can see the whole movie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2014): I don't see the problem here, OP, if you're able to get them hard with oral just do that to get them erect and then hop on. I assume you know they're unlikely to get a second erection any time soon if you're completing blow jobs?
There are too many reasons why it can happen, and while I hate to say it you could well be getting guys that aren't attracted to you because they want the easy lay you provide.
Most guys won't say no to getting a blow job from any half decent looking woman. Add alcohol to the mix and you don't even have to be pretty.
Don't take that the wrong way, OP, I'm not implying you're not attractive, but it's possible you are getting with guys that aren't all that into you.
I wouldn't worry about it, you are able to get them erect. So just get start adapting to that. Use your mouth to get them erect then get them to stick it in.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 A mans erectile dysfunction or presentation anxiety is on him. Not you.
What is on you, on the other hand, is the men you choose to take to bed. You apparently keep going for the same type of guys, who keeps having the same type of problem.
Take me for an example. I have only ever been in relationships with insecure men who didn't know what they wanted out of life. I don't know why, I guess it is "my thing" to go for the helpless and needy who I can "improve". However, as we all know, people don't change. So to no surprise, the men were still insecure and didn't know what they wanted in life, even while in a relationship with me. Now, I could take this personally and think "it must be me, no man seems able to decide if he wants me in his future or not, and Im not good enough to make them feel great about themselves".
However, I know that's not true. Their self esteem problems has nothing to do with me. But I need to stop dating men who lack direction in life and who doesn't have self esteem.
So what do you need to do? Answer: stop bringing home guys who can't get a stiffy. The very best way is to not bring home guys at all until you've known them for a while and have proof of their ability to get a hard on. If all you want is casual sex, at least flirt a bit before you get to bed, and feel him up to check that he's good to go. If you want something serious, then you need to keep your pants on and wait with sex until you're in an actual relationship.
As for why they can't get it up: they're drunk, or maybe inexperienced, or have presentation anxiety, or have an actual penis erectile dysfunction. Despite having a reputation for wanting sex at all times with everything willing; most men are not savvy about one night stands. They freak out and get nervous/uncomfortable and wake up with morning after regret, same as any woman does.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 July 2014):
Dear OP,
Your post is a bit confusing to me, but I try to help you as best as I can.
First of all, if it was your appereance that had caused problems, the guys wouldn't be trying to sleep with you in the first place.
I am wondering, though, what do YOU want? If you keep making out with a lot of drunk guys (your post says the same thing happened with a LOT of guys) that can hardly maintain an erection, yet you perform oral sex on them.. and they never call you again, even though you try to be all kind and stuff.. It sounds like you opt for one night stands but hope they would turn into something more. Which they don't (as usual).
I don't have any moral issues with one night stands.. but it doesn't sound like it's something that makes you happy. Yet, you keep repeating this with different guys and with the same frustrating results.
My thought is that maybe you want to take a break from trying to have sex with random people. Because it's not much fun, given the sample that you seem to come across. So, boost your self-esteem with something else than your sexiness, because I am sure you have a lot more to offer as a person.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 July 2014):
 I suppose the only way to be able to give you a real, and complete reply/response would be to have you visit me (or, have me visit you).... for thorough testing and diagnosis of your problem. When would you like to do that?
P.S. Do you have good "health" insurance?????
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): They don't call you afterwards not because they couldn't get it up but because this is what happens with one night stands: it's that one time.The best attitude when you are doing these first meet and then having sex that nightis not to expect anything but just that: sex and you never hear from him. That's why I stoped doing one night stands, because in addition to them being lousy in bed and mostly not caring about your needs in bed, they get up on a morning and dissapear. I couldn't even understand what happened, I felt like a rubber doll that was used for his enjoyment, I certainly didnt get any with him either finishingin a few seconds, not pleasuring me, not being able to get it up... And so on. And for your question about guys to be able to get it up with you: please, don't think that it has anything to do with your appearance. Either the can get it up, whether its a woman or a goat, or they can't. As for frequency with which it's happening, I am bit bewildered, when I use to do it, I had only one who had problems with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 July 2014):
 Sounds like you have been very kind and understanding to these guys with ED. But as it keeps happening I can understand why it is making you to feel discouraged.
Generally I would say that it's not you.
Previously you were in a long term relationship and your then partner generally had no ED issues. As it was a long term relationship I will assume there was trust and love and respect at least for an extended time prior to breaking up.
Whereas since the above breakup you have been without a full time committed
relationship and on occasions you have
had a series of short term encounters with guys.
And so many of those guys have suffered ED. This would indeed be distressing.
There is one possible common denomintor and that is that you may be using a very similar technique with each guy in what you say, do, and how you respond.
Guys might be mis-reading who you are, and due to what they may see as your eagerness to have sex they may be feeling like they are just a sex toy to you, even though that is not true.
As well, if you are communicating a sense of strong eagerness to have sex they may not be feeling as if they are ''special'' to you and this too could be off-putting.
Finally there is your technique. It may have been perfect for your previous long term partner; yet may not suit every guy.
If your previous partner was fine with your technique then that was good then.
But what happens now is the issue. Some guys cannot maintain an erection if their sexual partner pushes all the buttons really strongly, at the outset, without
some slowing of the pace a few times to help the guy prolong things.
Don't try too hard to pull out all the stops. Get to know a guy more as a person. The best relationships start slowly. Trust is built over time. Build the trust first.
A one night stand is probably not the best way to build respect and trust.
Perhaps resolve to build any potential relationship over an extended period of time before you move on to a sexual relationship with the guy. By the time you do have sex the guy will want to do his best.
If your sex drive is suffering the absence of a 24/7 partner then as a temporary solution you could choose to purchase a piece of equipment to use at home, when you are alone, to help you orgasm. Not a long term solution, but it may help take the edge off your need for a guy. And thus allow you to get to know a guy as a complete person before you consider a sexual relationship with a guy.
A woman does not need just 'any' guy. A woman is better off with no guy if the 'any' guy is not right for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): If you use the term "it's happened with a lot of guys lately", it does appear as you only being after casual hook ups (which is fine), but then you wonder if you're giving off too many "only want to be used for sex" signals.... That's what one night stands are all about - except you're both supposed to get pleasure. It's all about that "use" once and find another. If you're not happy with that, you need to stop going after that.
How long since your last relationship?
How long after your relationship ended did you start having sex with casuals?
What DO you want at this point in your life?
May sound like an obvious or patronising question (it's not supposed to be): did you use two forms of protection each time and get checked for STDs frequently?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): The untold story about one night stands is that most guys don't enjoy them despite bragging that they may do. ONS lacks bonding, lacks emotional connection and as meaningless sex it is less of a turn on for a guy. Two reasons why. First, since he will never see you again who cares if he can get it up. Second, since it's meaningless sex he will not invest himself physically to please a girl whom he will not see ever again.
...............................
|
