A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my gf for 3 years now and our relationship has been the greatest thing in my life. Weve been though a hell of alot with each other and theres nothing i wouldnt do for her. Weve talked immensely about not cheating on each other bc we both have been in the position of being cheated on. I love this girl more than anything and im crushed inside from my actions. I went out with a few friends and drank way too much. Same typical story. I was in a time of my life where i wasnt happy with myself and this only makes it worse. A couple friends came back to my place and we continued to drink. I had no intentions of cheating, but one thing led to another and i found myself in a position i will regret for the rest of my entire life. me and this girl hooked up. The whole time it was happening it was like i was in a cloudy haze and i wasnt myself. I didnt sleep for the next 2 days. the girl said she wouldn't say anything. She is kind of acquaintances with my gf. its been 2 months since it happened and i still feel self-hatred and utterly disgusted with myself. Within the first week that it happened i barely slept and ate and would puke everyday. There's not a day that goes by where i dont think about what i did and how it would affect my girlfriend if i told her. I love this girl to bits. I know im a good guy inside and i made a mistake, but do you all think i should tell her? Would i be doing more harm than good by releasing my guilt onto her? This will crush her, especially in the time of her life shes in right now. I know what ive done cannot be changed. Any help?! Thanks everybody for reading.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (19 July 2012):
These moral questions alwasy bear themselves out easily when we are placed on the other end of the debate.
Ie, if your gf cheated, would YOU want to know?
Proceed accordingly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): I'm a 23 female.My advice would be to tell her, if you have no intention of doing this again. It must feel like an extremely hard decision given that your honesty will cause you to risk losing someone you seem to love deeply; however, in my opinion she deserves the truth.Someone before has touched on this point...even if you don't tell her, she will probably have an instinct that something is wrong and that could lead to even more detrimental problems in the relationship than telling the truth.If you do decide to tell her the truth, she will probably be hurt, she will be angry and she will want to know why/when etc. If that happens, just make sure that you reassure her that you love her, that it had nothing to do with her and put all the effort you can into showing her these things. Never underestimate the power love plays in someone's choice to forgive someone for a mistake made...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): It gets easier as time goes on. First time I cheated on my s/o, I only kissed the girl. And I felt far more crushed that time than on the two subsequent occasions, in which I actually had sex with the girls concerned.The latter two were both prostitutes. The second of these was so 'good' I actually almost don't regret it. I know I'm a terrible person but I don't tell my partner because she's been hurt before and I really don't think she could cope with having her trust broken again. I hate myself for my actions but have little hope of ever changing. I was addicted to sex with pros before her, and old habits really do die hard. We men are weak. Yes, women may despise us for our weakness, but then they can't possibly relate, not having the same sex drive we do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2012):
 if there is a chance she would or could find out EVER at ALL, i think it's important that she find out from you ASAP...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): If it would only hurt her to tell the truth about this past incident, then why not just keep lying about cheating on her in the present too?
That thought process is basically just an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for your mistakes.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (16 July 2012):
 I was gonna say dont tell her but after reading these posts..I had a change of heart, the thought of NOT telling her the TRUTH is unacceptable. I want the truth I too think my bf may have cheated and he says he just had cofee but see I would sleep better tho hurt and angry but I already am hurt and angry and suspicious..I would feel better knowing and be able to handle it if I knew the truth cause if we find out later or from someonelse ...its like Lorena Bobbitt time..lol no really sit her down and tell her honestly and lovingly apologize and tell her youll be an open book appease her every whim if shell have you still, its MORE of a LIE to NOT tell. Good luck please keep us posted!. Peace and love
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): If you tell her, the only person it would really benefit is YOU. I'd suggest you let your feelings serve as a powerful lesson of why you shouldn't do what you did ever again. Assuming you change your ways and you truly start and continue to love, cherish, and respect your woman, you'll be able to forgive yourself in due time. Although you'll always be haunted by your actions, remember that to err is human but to make the same "mistakes" repeatedly is repugnant. IF she happens to find out from someone else, then own up to the mistake and let her know you didn't say anything about it in hopes that she would never be burdened by your actions. There is no rational "explanation" that will somehow make her alright with what you've done.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 July 2012):
 I agree with jinxx on this one.
Wouldn't you want to know if your girlfriend slept with a friend of yours? Wouldn't you want to know before you married her and had kids with her or bought a house with her or took out a life insurance policy and named her the beneficiary?
You are living a lie now. People who would advise you not to tell her are overlooking that even if you don't tell her, and even if the miraculous happens and this girl doesn't talk to someone about it (of course she will! She may not tell your girlfriend, but she will tell friends of hers, and it has a funny way of getting to ears you don't want it to get to), it's a festering, rotting sore that even now has changed the face of your relationship. She'll ask what's wrong (you'll lie). She'll wonder if you fell out of love with her. She'll think there's something wrong with her. You'll get irritable, moody, quiet, distant. You'll try to compensate by being more loving to her. You'll forever be looking over your shoulder wondering if she'll suspect.
There's something else too. You say that this happened when you weren't happy with yourself, right? Well, are you happy with yourself now? Will you ever be happy with yourself again when you look into her eyes, she cries out her love for you, and you know that you can never do the same again without it being a lie? Of course not. What will you do to her again if you're not "happy with yourself"? What will happen after a job setback? The loss of a loved one? Relationship fatigue? Illness? Pregnancy? Any stress that life throws our way? You can't say "Well it'll never happen again", because before 2 months ago, you were saying "I could never cheat on her". Yet here you are.
This isn't about transferring guilt onto her. This is about an honest relationship, and about being someone you can look at in the mirror without going to a doctor for medication. You need to face the consequence of what you did. That's the only way to save yourself. What if she leaves you? That would be horrible, but that would be the most selfless act you could do. What "time in her life" is she in now? I'd venture to say that unless she just experienced a death in her family, you should tell her.
What shocks me, I guess, is that you say you've been cheated on before. Did you not love this person who cheated on you? Because, usually, the last thing a person would do... who was so elementally and profoundly traumatized and devastated to the core by being betrayed and cheated on....would then inflict that on someone else by cheating on them.
Wine and alcohol unearths truth. "In vino veritas". There was attraction. There was desire. There is a distrust in your relationship with your current girlfriend that caused you to sabotage it. I could write a book on what caused you to cheat on your girlfriend, and "I didn't know what I was doing because I was drunk" is the farthest thing from the truth.
Mostly, I advise you to tell her because the reasons and conditions that caused you to cheat are still there, and you'll keep hurting her, even if you never touch alcohol again. You will always have times when you're not happy. You'll always feel that hurt from being cheated on. You'll always choose to run away from your feelings instead of dealing with them head on. The only thing that can possibly change that is to break the cycle, or you will keep running and hurting her.
Let her choose. If she leaves you, it will hurt. It will be the worst feeling you've had. Worse than you're feeling now. However, maybe if the betrayal you felt wasn't enough to keep you from cheating on someone else and inflicting that pain on her, maybe the agony of your actions shattering your life will be enough to finally cause you to grow up and face your inner demons and break their hold over you once and for all.
Lastly, if you come clean, tell your girlfriend what happened before you get caught (and you will!), and she gives you a second chance, you had better love her like you've never been capable of loving anyone else. Treat her as if you're courting her again for the first time. I've seen the rare instances when, after an act of cheating, the relationship eventually heals stronger than before (like a broke bone healing up stronger than it was before).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): I have just found out that my boyfriend cheated on me, and yes I was hurt, angry and felt betrayed, but what made it worse for me was that I found out from someone else, not from him. As much as he has told me it was a mistake and only happened once and how sorry he is, the fact is I don't feel I can trust him at all, because he has lied for so long now, by not telling me. I felt betrayed by the fact that he kept it from me, and didn't even give me the chance to decide if I wanted to continue in the relationship and work on things giving him a chance to warn back my trust, instead he deceived me into thinking things were still going great. I personally would prefer that he had come clean and let me decide if I wanted to continue, but as it is he didn't do that and I can't trust him at all now. I suggest you tell her and let her decide if your the right person for her. Yes she will be hurt, but it is better hearing it from you than someone else, and one way or another they always find out. You have to do what you feel is right. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): tell her. i know if you love this girl by how your reactions were after you cheated, if you tell her what you just told thos site that you love her to bits, your a good guy who made a mistake. she will forgive you if your truely sincere when you apologize. she might not trust you for a long time and be heart broken but better to be upset than very very angry if you dont tell her and someone else does.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 There are some people who will tell you not to tell her, that you'd only be placing your guilt onto her shoulders. I agree with those people.
There are some people who will tell you that you absolutely should tell her, because she deserves to know. I agree with those people, too.
Personally, I'd tell her. I think it's less about placing your guilt on her shoulders, and more about giving her the chance to decide whether or not you're the person she wants to be with. Every day you don't tell her is another day of your relationship that is a lie. She's under the impression you're on the same page when it comes to this - and you're not.
I appreciate that you realise your mistake, but she may not. If you're unable to control yourself while you're drunk, you should never have put yourself into a situation where you'd drink that much. It's just careless, and being drunk is NOT an excuse. Ever.
Whether or not she's in a bad place right now, she deserves to know. Better to know now, than down the line when it will just hurt her more to know how long you have kept this from her. Hiding this from her will get harder, and harder. Especially when you have to rely on other people to keep their mouths shut. Eventually, one opens... and I can tell you for certain that she'd rather hear it from you than someone else.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): Well it is gonna affect her regardless of whether you tell her or not. You have been wrecked emotionally and it is going to show. And you won't feel the same way when she says good things about you because she will be saying them about the person she thinks you are, not the real you. That kind of stuff is where the cracks form that eventually break relationships apart.
She also has the right to know you took a risk with her health with STIs. Condoms are better than nothing but still far from eliminating the risk.
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