A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:His feelings are so wishy washyOne minute he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me then the next he says Im his bestfriend.Then he'll say that he wants to be committed and then get married and then next he says, I should be with someone else. then he calls me and says He loves the way things are between us and then he'll say, it kills him that were not together. He says he feels like hes getting to attached to me and that hes so "sprung" off me and were not even together and he should back off a little. ANd then when I say that very same thing, he says no he wants us to be close.Why does it seem like he contradicts everything he says? What are his real feelings ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): He's either got some cognitive problems or else he is being manipulative.Neither of which bode well for the future. A very important part of healthy relationships is predictability of your partner. In order to trust a person they have to be fairly consistent in their words and actions and attitudes. This goes for relationships where you have a stake in the other person's actions and need to be able to rely on them such as business partnerships and life partnerships. Wishy washy people are untrustworthy so you should not invest too much into him because you know he can do a complete 180 anytime.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2013):
 "Committed without the label"? What in the world is that? YOU might think he is committed, but everything you write says he isn't feeling it, because he is all over the place with his actions and emotions.
Either you are a couple (and YES that is a label) or you are casual (and you know what? that is a label too).
Auntie CindyCares nailed it.
If you want him to be your BF then you two need to DEFINE the relationship. Pretending to be buddies that cuddle and hold hands and then get confused when he pulls away is not working for you, is it? So make up YOUR mind what YOU want, TALK to him and see where it takes you. IF you are just "friends" then you don't cuddle and kiss - friends don't do that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 I can't help but smiling everytime I read on Dc the words " without the label ".
Because labels are not as irrelevant , and not as easily disposable as you think.
Suppose you go to a dentist , and he says " Oh btw, I am not a real dentist, I don't have the " label ". I am self thought, never went to medical school. But, don't worry, I have tonnes of experience, the lightest hand you could ever hope for, the best surgical instruments, etc ". Would you stay, and pay the bill at the end, or just leave the premises ?
Hopefully the second. Because what he says may also be true, yet, what would give him the right to put his hands into your mouth, and ask a dentists' fee at the end , is just and PRECISELY that little " label " : a degree in Odontoiatry.
So, if this guy is not your bf and you are not together, and he has no label,... why all the kisses and the displays of affecction and the physycal or emotional intimacy ? These are prerogatives of a boyfriend. If he is a just a friend, your best friend even- then hands off, friendship and feeling people up do not mix. If he acts - some times - as if you two are having a relationship, and expects committment from you ( ! ) then he is just taking free passes. He is taking adavantage. Of your naivety, your confusion, and YOUR wishywashiness . If you want to be in a relationship , then enough, stop- don't give him all the privileges without the label, without the actual, real, official committment.
Don't wait for him to make up his mind- you make up YOURS, regardless of what he wants thinks means . Why playing riddles ? You decide what you want, and YOU act accordingly.
Or instead you are happy with the situation, and are content with letting things go on as it is ( but then, I doubt you'd have written to DC ) - then we don't have a problem. You both enjoy NOT dating but being touchy feely and kissing and keeping away real relationships - if that's your cup of tea, perfect. Enjoy.
Again, it does not sound like you are really enjoying that much the insecurity and the shaky foundations, and you want to know why he is acting like this. I'd say, because you let him, and because it works for him. He gets the dentist fee without going to medical school.
He is not into you to the point of wanting you seriously officially, so he bullshits you : he says things to keep you hooked and interested and keep you " committed without a label ": he makes sure you are always available at his terms and conditions, and you do not take off with some other guy; rinse and repeat till the moment he'll meet some girl with whom he'll be able to commit for real, and be proud to wear the label for.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe isn't gay, I'm sure about that
And I do love him, our relationship its amazing I just thought maybe he was acting that way out of fear or reassurance or what I don't have a clue why he does that I just wanted to know what you guys thought. Thank you for all the advice!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2013):
 You're both in your late 20s? You have the relationship with him that he wants to have. If you're happy with it, great. If you are not, and it seems you are not if you are here asking people to interpret his weird behavior, then you need to decide if you want to stick around for more of the same.
He sounds confused, and with apologies to gay men everywhere, he sounds like a closeted gay man.
You may be his idea of a best friend but what does that have to do with your wishes for a regular sort of boyfriend?
I'd work from the assumption that he will not be your lover and life partner. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 That's even more absurd. I think he has a great fear of being taken advantage of so he thought that by distancing himself you would constantly prove yourself to him. That's the only way he feels safe in a relationship. Stay with him if you want take a free course of what bi polar is(or whatever he has). Or you are too bored with life and can afford to mess with him.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (27 September 2013):
Ya, one minute he wants it and the next he doesn't. What he is trying to say is that he is not really interested in the whole thing. Why buy the cow when the milk is free. Some guys know how to pull a woman's strings. My advice to you sweetheart is to keep your legs and mouth closed and send this man back to the planet Mars where he came from. You want a committed relationship and that is fine. This joker wont give you shit just a lot of heart aches.. And contrary to what one of my fellow aunts say there are men out there in their early twenties that want a committed relationship with one woman with marriage and kids later. This guy is not a keeper, drop him and keep moving on and i am confident you will meet Mr. Right. Good-luck and keep moving forward..xo
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo we are older late 20's . We haven't dated yet. Although we act like a couple, the kissing, the affection . We are committed without the label I'm guessing because he says he wouldn't want me being with another guy, he'd consider it cheating and vise versa. Which is why I'm so confused about the things he says .
He introduces me as his bestfriend, but when girls ask him out he says he taken, by me. And infront of the very people he told I was his bestfriend . And he'll treat me like a gf . Buy me thinfs spend time with me, kiss cuddle. We fight over things like guys in my phone, or girls flirting . Then he says yur mine I'm yurs bs, and somehow later he says things like I want you to find that perfect someone.. this happens every week . Its a cycle i don't quite understand
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 September 2013):
This is simple. The talking about the future past makes you stay. The backing out part absolves him from responsibility. He says you are not together. So don't talk to him anymore. It really doesn't have to be analyzed in depth. You are either together or you are broken up. Leave him alone to deal with his own "confusion." You can't trust what he's saying anymore. You don't want marriage with a guy who plays with words. He also sounds like he's scared of love. Tell he's not in any way ready for a relationship. He really should back the hell off. He's emotionally unstable and if you stay with him longer he will rub off some neurotic tendencies onto you.
Is he around 20? Who's ready to get married at that age anyways? He's such a dreamer and enjoys the sounds that's coming out of his mouth.
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