A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay......In a pickle. I have been dating a guy for 8 months and he's great...but...we have very different approaches to life. He is just getting back on his feet and really can't afford much of anything! I have financially been carrying our social life. Now, I am starting a new business venture and I need an investor.I met a older gentleman, he's single, very business savvy, has plenty of money and goes all out to help me. We met when my car ran out of gas....because my current bf did not refill the tank. He was such a gentleman, he would not let me use my own money to do anything. Every week he has called me to see if I need anything or to do lunch. Yes, he does have a interest in me, but it has been strictly professional...so far. I want to ask him to invest in my new project and I think he will say yes...but I do think he's going to want a "Closer" relationship.Here's my issue....I'm not married and I am not opposed to a "Closer" relationship. I have always been very well off and financially stable and because of that...most family and friends don't ever think I need help with anything. I DO! I have never been in this position where who I was dating could not help at all.My bf...I don't want to break up with him, but he can't help me. Is it wrong to accept help from the older gentleman? I don't want a committed relationship with him, but I don't mind "Closeness"???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you DC family for your insight....you gave me a realistic perspective......& you really don't know how this site has helped me.
After reading your comments....I realized that I WAS resentful towards my bf....& I didn't know it. I was married for 12 years & my late husband did everything for me. I never had to worry about gas in my car or paying for dinner or being tight on money. My late husband & I built our sucess together...with teamwork & that's what I was expecting with the new bf....teamwork. However...it is...what it is!
I didn't think I was setting him up to fail, I was giving him the "Benefit of the Doubt", and hoping that he would treat me...the way I treated him. Well as it turns out.....he was in that bad financial position for a reason & I finally see the writing on the wall. I broke up with him.
As for the older gentleman....yes......I can see some of the things you guys pointed out. I was actually frustrated with the bf & here comes someone who does.....what I feel....the bf should have done. He showed
concern that the bf didn't. He was charming & quite attractive....& let me say this...I am 38 & the older gentleman is 55, but looked 45. He was not 70 & that may have been the impression I gave. So yes, I. Know business & pleasure do not mix & I will not go into "the Madame" business, lol.
As for the new business venture.....my family has invested, both my parents, but other member financially can not. I have gotten bank loan, but the project takes a bit more financially....it will work out...I was just frustrated with all going on in my life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): I am going to say I distrust the Business Man. Many scammers and serial cheats use these tatics of 'helping' a woman.
Especially since you are in the process of starting a business- money is involved. I see that money being swindled.
Scammers and Serial Cheats often go after the 'strong' 'business minded' professional woman because they have what they want- MONEY.
Too many stories begin as yours does. So on my side of things- I wouldn't even put any stock into this 'rescuer'.
He keeps calling you? Asking if you need anything? Thats NOT Business Man or PROFESSIONAL so don't talk bull crap and downplay what you intuitively know already about this overly helpful Man.
Use wisdom and tell the Older Guy to back off.
Then break up with BF. You clearly have resentments towards the BF and I agree with some of what Tish has to say about, if you wanted an 'equal' you would be dating such a man.
Its all your choices that get you where you are at this moment. Your actions.
Accountability.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (16 February 2012):
 As a business man myself, I would strongly suggest that you keep your love life seperate from your business. I have no problem in you dumping the current BF for the older man (that is if you are indeed intrested in him for a relationship). But dating him to insure a business deal is simply bad business. What if you two do not work out? Would you want this guy to continue to have a stake in your life and your business? You have worked hard to get where you are, don't dilute your progress.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 February 2012):
 Interesting question. You might benefit from reading this question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-does-it-mean-to-use-someone.html
Let's parse this out. You are angry at your boyfriend for not being financially able to 'help' you. You are pretending to not need help of your family and friends and rather than ask them to invest in your business, you meet man a who fulfills the definition of 'sugar daddy.' A man who is essentially a stranger but who seems to be willing to exchange money for .... 'closeness.' You aren't married but seem to date men who can 'help' you.
As for running out of gas, well, my car starts binging at me when there's not enough fuel in the tank. It would be MY fault I ran out of gas, not any one else's. If you know your boyfriend is financially strapped and cannot afford to put gas in your tank, then you would have to assume he would leave the tank empty. I think this is just an example of a way you set him to 'fail' in the relationship and a rationalization why your current 'negotiation' with the older monied gentleman is perfectly fine to continue without letting your boyfriend know.
I guess it comes down to this, what are you looking for in a relationship? If your boyfriend cannot provide an essential 'must-have' item on your list, then why are you continuing the relationship?
What are you looking for in a business investor? Do you feel the need for 'closeness' in order to have an investor? Is that why you cannot ask your family or friends, assuming I have correctly read between the lines and understand what you mean by 'closer'?
I think it's generally good practice to be honest in a relationship. You aren't being honest with your boyfriend if you haven't told him you need a boyfriend that can become a business partner by giving you money for your business venture. You have set him up for failure on that as well as blaming him for your car running out of gas.
You aren't being honest with your family and friends if you have led them to believe you are financially independent and don't need help. You do need help, but for some puzzling reason, you would choose to become intimate with a guy you don't know very well rather than ask them to invest in your venture. Why not draw up some partnership agreements and ask them to invest in your venture? They know you are a good risk as you've been financially dependable all your life.
If you need business savvy and mentoring, well, a good friend of mine has started a business and has joined a business association devised to help start ups like hers. She asked a friend, a retired business executive with great judgement and a proven track record, for help. At first, he helped just a little, now he's invested and become a full partner in the venture. There are plenty of retired executives out there with great backgrounds who don't need 'closeness' in order to help a promising young company. There are plenty of business incubators and groups designed to help start ups like yours.
As for your question, is it wrong to accept help from the older gentleman with the added closeness? Not if you do full disclosure to your boyfriend and he's okay with it. That seems pretty basic. Does the business partnership survive the test of standing in front of a roomful of people and telling them your plan? http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/red_face_test
The way you've presented it, it does not. Honestly, it sounds like you are looking for a reason to break up with your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 Wow. You are basically willing to cheat on your boyfriend and become a prostitute in order to build a business? I cant believe you are honestly asking for advice on this!
Exchanging sex in return for money (whether this is cold hard cash or an 'investment') this is prostitution. So really the question is are you happy to become a prostitute for the sake of your business? Is a bank loan not a far more situable and sensible option?
As So Very Confused said, business and pleasure dont mix - so even if you break up with your boyfriend and start a relationship with your old man things will still get too complicated and it will be far too risky. What if the relationship between you and the old guy ever goes bad? As an investor he would have every right to demand his share of the money he put in, so you would either have to fork out the cash or sell the business.
You should not start up a business venture if you cannot afford it - simple as that. If you are going to have a succesful business you need to be 100% independent and rely only on yourself. So if you need to whore yourself out to afford it, then that really is not wise is it? A bank loan with repayments you can afford is the simple answer - it means you and the bank have an OFFICIAL agreement that is regulated by the law, the repayments will be on your terms and the business will be all yours once the loan has been paid off.
Think about this carefully - you are not only going to destroy your relationship with your boyfriend, but also turn yourself into a prostitute dependent on an old man for your financial security. Doesnt sound much like a good idea to me.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2012):
 so you want him to invest in your business and in return you would sleep with him?
are you going into the prostitution field?
business associates keep business and pleasure separate.
there are no strings attached with proper business deals.
if you tell him I will sleep with you for your money then there is nothing wrong with that.... but to do it any other way is a lie and that's wrong.
and you have to tell your boyfriend.
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