A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am wondering if my ex bf had "commitment phobia". He broke up with me saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. Yet one of the first things he said to me when meeting me was "I really want to be in a relationship. I am so over random hooks ups, they aren't fulfilling and all those girls want is sex. I am ready for a serious relationship." I was reading this web site about commitment phobia which tells you how to spot one and he seems to be veyr much like one!http://www.simplysolo.com/relationships/how_to_spot_a_commitment_phobic.html-He has a history of short relationships. -He seemed to want a relationship but at the same time he wanted a lot of space-He was VERY FAST to move in on me. After hanging out with me once he wanted to be in a relationship.-He was very charming-Very affectionate and loving-He 'loved the chase' but didnt want 'the kill'. When I didnt seem keen or interested he would be all over me, chasing me...but when i showed affection and love and appeared interested, he would back off! -The website says they often chose women who are different to them, e.g. different tastes...so it can be used as a excuse to leave the relationship. this is sorta what he did. -Has a history of frequent career change-He didnt like to plan ahead in his personal life and with me-This one matches number 37 from the website I think. One night we came close to having sex, yet we didn't as I didn't feel he was truly commited. I told him I wanted to wait till I felt comfortable. After that night he pulled away, he called me less and often would ignore my messages and calls. He would often be too busy to see me. When I asked him when he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship he said he realised that night (the sex incident).He has been cheated on twice so maybe this has what has a cause him to run away like this. I just want answers as to how he could suddenly say he isnt ready for a relationship! he seemed so keen in the beguining...but once i started to really fall for him and came close to having sex, he backed off. was this because he just wanted sex? or because he has a fear of commitment?
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female
reader, Aeval +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Hi,
I agree with Collaroy, Maybe he thought he was ready and then after a bit of time he realised that he wasn't. Let him go and stop worrying about him, You will find the right man for you. It just takes time. Spend more time on yourself and your friends.... " Love comes when your not looking" its an old saying but its true.
Good luck
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Hi,
it could be many things. It's too easy to compartmentalise someone through a book as you can easily tick many boxes and ignore those which don't quite fit.
The key thing is he is your ex, so you should be concentrating on moving on. Although I can understand a period of reflection is required when splitting up ( just to see what caused the breakup ) but this guy brought so much baggage with him it would be impossible to really determine what his motivations are. If he was interested solely on moving in for the kill then he wouldnt have given up so easily after putting all that effort in. So I think there is more to it than simply labelling him a user.
Let the next girl try and figure him out, count yourself lucky you are not still with him.good luck.
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A
male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (23 April 2008):
You should leave him be. He doesn't know what he wants! That's usually something girls go through
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A
female
reader, sadeyes  +, writes (23 April 2008):
Hi Just out of relationship with a guy identical.We were together a year,I could count on one hand the times we had sex.He was unable to even get an erection or maintain one to have healthy sex life.He had such low self-esteem it was unreal,like your guy wouldn't talk about feelings,wouldn't plan ahead,eouldn't let me meet his family.Also he reminded me of a teenage boy,in that he seemed embarrssed to admit to family that he was in relationship,all this aside I loved him,so I put up with these things,but now he has finsished it .....yes he told me he wasn't in love and hadn't ever been I can see it for what it was..........a lost cause,so although you are prob feeling bad at the moment it is prob for the best cos all we are trying to do is fix these people and they are not our problem,worry about yourself you are more important
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): It is helpful understanding why something didn't work, there is nothing wrong trying to understand, it is a compassionate trait, but also a confirmation that it wasn't you.
From some of the things you described, it sounds like he has low self esteem. We can tag it anything we like, but he is lost. He probably didn't have a good childhood; parents over baring; never acknowledging there son was good. I'd say he had some courage when he started a job or started dating, but afterwards, feeling unworthy, he began to go inside himself and hide, then start making excuses.
He has a long way to go, and may end up hurting himself if he doesn't get help.
It is sad that we tag people instead of looking deeper to find the real cause. Our society is so quick to judge.
Getting him to open up would be scary on his part. He may acknowledge it, he may not.
This is why in the beginning of a relationship, you get the other to talk about family, things they've done. It reveals areas they are happy about and strong, or scary parts where they fear failure. People can be helped to a degree, but they must be willing to face challenges, and those around them must be available to provide support and comfort. Something we were suppose to do as parents, but because of our own responsibilities and inablilities, we didn't.
I look back at raising my kids, I recognize things that happened and wish I had acted, other things I wish I would have given them, it saddens me that what I wanted to do for my kids, I wasn't able to.
I didn't have a good childhood, but probably because of my older brothers, they gave me courage to stand up for myself, and then I did for others.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 April 2008):
It could be a commitment phobe. It could be that he's an idiot. It could be that he just has problems.
To be honest it doesn't matter.
Stop worrying about what your Ex's problems are and move on to a decent guy. You can't change him and it's his problem not yours. You did nothing wrong.
Good Luck!! xx
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