A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiI've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. We're making plans to move in together soon. Everything was pretty much perfect until about 6 months ago when she started picking fights with me and usually there wasn't a clear reason, nothing I had done wrong it just felt like she wanted to fight about something.We live in different cities so see each other at the weekends and video call during the week days.Some examples of this include1. She came to my house, and i had washed her pyjamas. For some reason she was convinced i had washed the pyjamas because another girl had used them. 2. We walked on the street together and a girl in a shop window stared at us. She suggested she was my secret girlfriend.3. I had dinner with my work colleagues and someone took a photo. In the photo the person next to me is leaning to make sure everyone fits into the photo and her elbow is touching my sleeve. She was very angry about this.4. I helped a stranger carry some heavy bags. the stranger was a girl, but was clearly struggling. My girlfriend was annoyed about this.5. Today she told me she didn't want to have a holiday this summer, as we couldn't afford it. so i suggested some alternative things we could do. She then got upset with me because i "gave up on the holiday idea so fast", when all i was doing was suggesting alternatives based on what she had said.Unfortunately there are other examples, these are just a selection to show the type of thing we argue about. They just don't really feel like i've done anything wrong at all and i'm feeling more and more lost for words when they happen as i just don't understand why we are arguing. Much of the time in the last 3 months she has ignored me a lot, if we call she would spend that time doing something else and basically ignore me. Normally I would think she probably wanted to break up with me but wanted me to be the one to do it, so was trying to push me into dumping her. But the only thing she seems to put any serious attention into is moving in together, trying to find a house. She seems very fixated on the future to the extend i feel neglected in the present. Any thoughts? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): Is this her first relationship? First “long distance relationship”? She’s definitely being insecure which is unhealthy and objectively a bad thing in a relationship. You could do as some suggest and break it off. But if it’s her first relationship and you really love her, it’s up to you if you want to first sit down and tell her that her behavior is not acceptable because it shows a lack of trust. You can give her a chance to see if she can work on her behavior and not be so distrusting. Don’t move in together in the meantime.If she either gets more upset because you tell her that her behavior is unacceptable (yeah I can see her accusing you of more things because of this talk and wanting to put off moving in together) or you give it a month or so and her behavior is the same, then yeah... you might want to break it off. It’s really not a healthy relationship and you can’t make her change if she doesn’t try. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): I beg to differ with the others, and suggest on the risk of sounding too crude that Her tantrums are perhaps you are not showing her enough how much you love and care for her. Perhaps you need to make more love to her. Perhaps that is why she is eager to move in with you because she needs more intimacy with you.
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A
female
reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx +, writes (7 February 2019):
 She seems extremely insecure, has she always been like this? Or is this new behaviour? I understand the fighting is new but has something been said in the past that may have made her feel you might not feel much for her anymore? I know this may sound stupid but I was once like this girl. My partner made silly jokes or would comment on things that made me feel insecure, it might not have meant anything to him and just a passing comment but to me it meant a lot. I do agree you need to talk to her, but if you really care for her then why throw everything away? Relationships need to be worked on, not just by you but her too, explain that you want her and no one else but the way she has been acting has made you feel terrible and untrusted. On the other hand, is there any point being together if she can't trust you? Why do you think she wants to move in with you? To keep an eye on you or because she generally does love you? Sadly all these questions needs to be answered by her, and until you talk to her, be that call or in person, you won't know what is going on. It is very easy to comment on a relationship being on the outside and only seeing one side of the story, it's completely different being in that bubble with all the emotions. I hope you do the right thing for you and that everything works out, good luck.
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A
female
reader, WhatsUpDoc  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 This girl is so insecure in your relationship that is why she is picking fights with you.The long distance between you two is obviously affecting her to the point where it could ruin your relationship.She is clearly jealous if you are hanging around any females,i'm not surprised the only thing she gets excited about is moving in together.She will be able to watch you at a closer scale.Before you decide to live together you should def have a chat with her about trust in your relationship.Have you ever gave her a reason not to trust you around other women?If not ask her why she doesn't trust you and explain that it hurts your feelings.Tell her if she truly wants to share a life with you then she must work on her insecurities first.A good relationship should be easy not hard things should just flow.Remember that..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 On one hand there are a LOT of red flags here and on the other... an impatient girl and... you.
I think you need to ASK her straight up what's going on.
And I would ALSO talk about holding off on moving in together. These is NOT good signs, and if you MOVE in before things are resolved it will be YOUR living hell in the day to day life.
None of the examples you mentioned were bad at all. THOUGH the girl you carried her heavy shopping for... was your GF there or did you tell her about it afterwards? As in did you point out how helpful and chivalrous you were towards another girl? Not that there is ANYTHING wrong in being helpful.
If she is now ignoring you, can you imagine living WITH her? And whenever she gets pissed about something she gives you the silent treatments and ignores you?
I CERTAINLY would NOT move in with someone who displayed this kind of behavior. I would sit down (in person) and talk about what's up. To see if there is something here that CAN be resolved or... if it is break up time.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 February 2019):
 "Any thoughts?"
It's a lot easier (and safer) to fight from a distance. Some people show their attachment by ever increasing jealousy. This is obviously an affection style that doesn't work for you. It won't change easily. In fact it won't change until she wants it to change.
My advice is that you cancel this weekend. Box up her pajamas and tooth brush and go to her city to have a talk about dissolving the relationship. You need to tell her that your emotional needs are not met in the relationship. Her picking fights over small things has taken away your security. Her jealousy has smothered your feelings of love.
That action puts the survival of the relationship in her court. She can make the changes, or accept the loss.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): You have to ask yourself- will moving in together solve this awful irrational controlling jealousy?Its a pretty big jump to say yes definitely.I'll try and get in her head- she is suddenly feeling insecure, she looks at your life and sees the women around you and worries that you might become involved with one of them. (The truth is that you might, but if you have given her no reason to doubt your fidelity- her reaction to your interaction with 50% of humans around you seems quite irrational.) She feels if you move in together she will have more insight into your life, perhaps more control over who you see and who you spend your time with. This is why she is so keen.I suggest you get to the bottom of why she is so insecure about your relationship. Its really important. Some possibilities- She has cheated on you, and she is projecting her behaviour upon you.- Her self esteem has lowered recently, has she suffered any personal setbacks that have affected her self worth so that she no longer feels worthy of your love?-Some idiot is putting ideas in her head- a friend who suffers from jealousy perhaps.Have a really calm talk about why her behaviour has changed, use language that is non blaming- perhaps she will open up about what has changed. Until you get to the bottom of it, assume nothing will change after you move in, just the box you are allowed to exist in will be smaller and smaller, and permanently shelve those plans
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