A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I been with my gf for 3.5 years. We are living apart due to finances. Throughout our relationship I have been supporting and providing. Recently I have not been able to due to my work, our meeting has been suffering, we are unable to do things.What really upset me is the fact her best friends boyfriend, called her privately to see if she is available to go drinking , to take his Mrs out and he will give my gf £170 as spending money for the night so his Mrs and my gf can have a night out together. That’s so nice and sweet. But it has literally cut me up inside. I hid it from my gf. I feel inadequate. The happiness and excitement from her voice. The feeling she had was from another man, not me. She is not money hungry but she was genuinely so surprised he is that nice. 3yrs ago her best friends boyfriend didnt exist. Now he does, and suddenly think he is God’s gift. What about all the effort, money, time I spend to take her to places she liked. I always enjoyed the moment less just because my mind is so fixated on preparation and making sure it’s perfect.I feel like we are forgetting those times. If I talk to her, she will say it’s not true. But I can 100% guarantee you, I not once heard her say about a good time in front of me, but will about what’s going wrong in my life. Why does it bother me ? Because when things were amazing they never knew. Because we don’t like showing off she would say. However when things are not so great she is telling her best friend. Surprise surprise we jus spoke about not being able to afford stuff and few days later her best friends boyfriend is stepping in to save the world. I mean that’s a lot of money. How did he even know! Someone’s been talking. We recently argued about the fact that it’s unfair if I go out with friends even if they are paying as I could be using the time to see my gf instead. She was unwilling to backdown. I’m starting to thing double standards. I given up arguing, I always regret it as a women doesn’t back down until your ears melt. Isn’t this the same situation but she is going out? Imagine I said my mates girlfriend called me, and is paying for us? And I responded to my gf saying She’s sooo lovely, and caring. So sweet to think I’m struggling and she jus wants us to be happy so she offered to pay for me and my pal.
View related questions:
best friend, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2019): No one can do anything about your pride but you. I know for the sake of argument you're implying the guy is trying to show you up. I think he gave his girlfriend money; and as women often do, they shared it on a night-out. Why not? Don't envy his generosity. He may be showing-off, but your pride is your business.
Now, the incident where he asked your girl to hangout with his girlfriend was a nice gesture. You can't stop her from chatting with her friends; but you can suggest she not discuss your personal-finances with other people. That's private and none of their business.
If she can't seem to keep private matters to herself, and money is too much of an issue with her; maybe it's time to part ways. Too much complaining means things aren't good between you; and it may not only be a money-matter.
We have to see things from her point of view as well. You've been together three years; but your financial situation seems to be getting worse. Naturally she's going to take some issue with that. Patience has limitations. She may not be complaining about the money; but may be wanting to feel more appreciated. You're both young, but if you want to get your own place, you have to budget. If all this time you still haven't made any progress, she's losing patience. She probably figures you don't really want to live together.
Do you?
Are you a student? Do you have student-loan debt? Do you have a college-degree? Have you been unemployed? Are you unemployed? You don't explain your reason for money woes.
You're both very young. Her friends are comparing and competing with your relationship. Her friend's boyfriend is trying to show how much of a better boyfriend he is. That's male-ego and the competitive-trait we men seem to have. I'm more inclined to believe he's just being a nice-guy; and his girlfriend is sharing the money he gives her with her best friend. If he gives your girlfriend money, that's odd. It would mean she is more money-hungry than you think; if she would accept large money-gifts from men for nothing.
You know your financial-limitations; maybe you budget better than he does. Maybe you don't! If he earns more than you do; he can afford to be more generous. Get over it. Such is life. A big question-mark why your girlfriend takes money from her girlfriend's boyfriend. If I understand you correctly. I suspect he gave it to his girlfriend; but it still doesn't sit well with you that he did it at all! It was for his girlfriend, in any case. If it hushed her complaining before it rubs-off on his woman.
This is that critical-period between 3-5 years in a relationship that I often mention in my post responses. People start getting restless, they start having increased conflict in their relationships; and it becomes questionable about where the relationship is going. If the relationship isn't moving forward or evolving; you'll hit rocky-road, and things get even more difficult with time. It's at the make-it or break-it phase.
If she hangs-out with friends, it follows that you are entitled to do the same. Permission isn't required; you're a grown-man. That's just being hypocritical. If she complains, but can't see anything wrong when she does it; she's being immature and unreasonable. She's being toxic and wearing-down the relationship. The prognosis isn't looking good from what you've posted. I don't think she means to, she's just frustrated; because she's envious of her friend. Her immaturity is a little out of hand.
When you think you can't "win" an argument; you're just fighting. You're not communicating. You're trying to force the other person to surrender or concede. It's best to stop before it escalates to the point you're not speaking at all.
If she never sees things anyway but her way; your relationship is doomed.
It comes down to this. Your relationship is in trouble and she's bad-mouthing you to her friend. It's being passed-on to her girlfriend's boyfriend; which is unfair and hurtful. She knows it. If not, tell her. At the same-time, you have to get your pride under control; because you need to do something about your money-troubles, if they're getting worse.
You might have to end the relationship if the fights are becoming too frequent. You're spending more time protecting your pride, than loving your girlfriend. She's airing your private relationship-troubles; and that adds insult to injury. It can't be dismissed.
No, it is not okay for her to discuss the intimate details of your financial-situation or troubles in your relationship with her friends. Discussions should be limited to her personal-life, not yours. The purpose of exposing your privacy is either to shame or humiliate you. How does that help the relationship? I'm surprised at any kind of advice that would say it's okay. It is not! Only you can't control what people talk about.
If it hurts you, and she is that unhappy; then let her go. Stop fighting, and end the relationship if fighting is the only way you two know how to handle this. If you don't see the means to live together anytime soon, stop dangling the carrot over her head.
I have a suspicion you don't really want to move-in together; or you have serious doubts about it. Maybe because she's an okay girlfriend, but not the greatest.
A
female
reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 By the sound of it, the guy didn't pay FOR her, he paid for his girlfriend to go out with her best friend, this is probably what she meant by saying he is so sweet. But you need to make her see this has upset you, explain it in the same way as you explained it to us.With the double standards of it you need to talk to her, if she's happy to go out with her friends without you then you need to be allowed to spend some time with yours. Girls do talk, they tell each other everything, but sadly friends will only highlight the bad because they don't want them to be unhappy. I understand you both do not like showing off, I find this type of showy relationship is exactly what it is, just for show. A real relationship is what happens between two people. You need to consider what you want from this relationship, would you like to move forward with her? If so you both need to work on the finance side rather than spending money on going out and drinking, along with the insecurities.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 You are the more mature one in the relationship. You see that her idea of happiness is being able to go out and drink. You and her may have different value systems. You may think it's a double standard that she doesn't want you to go out with your mates? What if she just happily allows you? Then you two would be growing apart, living just parallel lives. The fact that she doesn't want you to go is fact that perhaps there's a chance of saving this relationship, but only if she can show that she's patient with you and accommodating to your work schedule.
At the beginning you mentioned about living apart. Is there still direction in your relationship? I don't mean it has to be marriage but there has to be some driving force in the relationship to keep it going. Such as spiritual growth and being happy together. You have to have an honest talk with her about this. Underneath all arguments is a real desire to connect, or to stop what's not working.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): Sorry my friend, this is all about your self esteem and not about your girlfriend or anybody else.Your reaction to this money is driving a wedge between you and your girlfriend, complicated by your feelings towards this man. Your girlfriends love for you has nothing to do with your material worth, but you are displaying an ugly jealous side to her when you complain about this gift.If I go to London with my wife, for one night from our home about 50km away, we will be about £150 poorer by the time we get home with transport food and wine taken into account, so that figure, whilst generous, isn't wild.Be happy that she's getting a break, letting her hair down- you two are letting your troubles turn you against each other. United you stand, divided you fall- tackle your troubles together- let each other get respite where you can find it, she should feel that same. its right that you both should spend time apart and with other people- so don't complain to eachother when you do.Your girlfriend is allowed to confide in her friend about her worries and troubles- perhaps it would be better for your pride if she didn't but its unrealistic- and you picking fights about this gift are another trouble she can confide in her friend about- now you are the bad guy, not just the money troubles!You need to get your self esteem/self worth up- get some exercise, get out into the outdoors, do something creative, set yourself a challenge and achieve it. Invest some time in your relationship- lots of things you can do together are free. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): I'd say try it .. call her in a few days say Saturday and say the same thing .. sound touched excited etc .. she how she reacts .. I'd change the scenario though . I don't approve of games but think she needs a dose of her own medicine.
...............................
|
