A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ex and i were doing the on/off thing for YEARS. it went on too long, i still had feelings, he apparently didn't because he was always hesitent to get back together. he had a cycle of hoovering and discarding me over and over again. i foolishly accpeted it because i believed it was "love". the last discard i confronted his behavior towards me and ended it. fast forward 6 months later and he is married. i am shocked, hurt, and feel awful about myself. could he be a narcissist? if he was so "happy" why bother to block me on social media? i know i shouldnt care to look, but when i heard the bizarre news i was curious, nope blocked, like "i" did something wrong. i cant help but feel heartbroken that i wasn't the chosen "one".please don't be mean and say i should have known better and to move on and forgot it, i am in the painful process of moving on, its done, im just looking for answers/advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2020): You say much but most of it is immature and contradictory. So anyone who does not want to marry you or continue to be with you and prefers someone else is mentally ill or a narcissist? When he wanted to see you he was sane and normal, but if he rejects you he has serious mental health issues? Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds? Why would you want to marry or be in a relationship with a narcissist anyway? If you really thought he might be a narcissist and you were sensible you would end it or be glad when he does, and not want to know about him now. You would be thinking you have had a lucky escape and can do better. Not pestering him, stalking him, researching him or asking strangers how you can get him back?
Once a relationship has gone seriously wrong - one of them marrying someone else is as serious as it gets - that is it, end of play. No point to going over it and seeking sympathy or advice. If there is any point to going over it then you look at where you went wrong so that you do not make the same mistakes in the future with another guy. But do not put all of the blame on him.
There is a saying - fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Did this guy fool you twice?
If so why are you hankering after a third time?
I once knew a woman in the same situation as you.
The guy wanted to see her secretly behind his new wife's back and have the best of both worlds, and she agreed,
and then wondered why it turned out a disaster for her. How else could it have been? The best she could get was being his dirty little secret until he gets bored.
But no, she was silly enough to believe he would tire of the wife and divorce the wife and then marry her.
It never occurred to her that if he could do that to one woman he could do that to her too.
With some things you need to look around corners and foresee how things can turn out and then decide if a certain course of action is wise. Not do something rash and silly and then wonder what to do when it all goes wrong.
Women often have this inability to say enough is enough. Or see things for how they really are. They want the guy to change and be what they want him to be and that is all they see, as if he is the only man in the World and it has to be him or nobody.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): Amongst many of the possible scenarios I can imagine him meeting and telling this new female about your lengthy relationship and how it never quite worked out.
Now she is competing with his ego enhanced version of you and in order to prove herself as different she is quick to want to tie the the knot.
She doesn't know his flaws and has never seen the bad side of him.
In six months he has been diligent and charming and played the sympathy card to the other woman of the heartache he felt from the woman who never quite loved him enough to marry him.
Perhaps there is a cash investment by her parents side and he is keen to materialise the advantages.
Maybe he just wanted regular and secure sex every night.
Perhaps there is a housing opportunity.
Whatever it is he has convinced her enough to settle down with him .
Marriage has a certain security about it.
A certain dignity and a certain respect is shown to the woman.
Possibly she got pregnant more or less on the first encounter and her family pushed her to marry the father.
You can spin it on endlessly and it's not surprising that curiosity made you want to find out a bit more.
What if he came out and married a boyfriend?
The only thing you know for sure is that he is not a good match for you.
You proved it by trying and trying again and again.
The best feeling you could foster is a complete lack of interest instead of classing yourself as an 'also ran!'
You have years of experience but he wanted a different experience.
You also may want to marry when you meet someone really compatible to your needs.
You have to be certain that you want the security of marriage.
If all else fails then you can always get a divorce.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 July 2020):
 "On and off " is the key word- and the warning sign. What is done is done, and you can't go back and change the past, but you keep in mind for the future that if something is " on and off " - there's no happy ending in view. The relationship can't be successful. A good, healthy relationship between compatible people is always on. The two people may argue ( some times- not too often, hopefully ) , may disagree about stuff, may have moments of mutual coldness and irritation , passion ebbs and flows etc.etc.- but the relationship is always on, no matter what. If it's on and off means that either one ( or both ) are not that convinced, not that into it , since day one- they are basically looking for something different, a different type of person ,- and they just keep getting sucked back into the relationship because of a score of things, like fear of loneliness, habit, laziness, horniness, lack of viable alternatives etc. etc.
In short , if it was " on and off ".... basically he was not that into you to begin with . As he showed by " discarding " you so many times. Why did you let him do the discarding more than once ? Two at most ? .. It's a cycle, yes, but one which could easily have been broken if you had refused to play his game right away, and decided that you want and deserve a partner who is stable, reliable and committed, that does not have you jumping through hoops to get his attention.
Live and learn. Actually , this is a valuable occasion to rid yourself of a dysfunctional relationship- ( and maybe of a dysfunctional way of relating in general ?... Maybe you are one of those person who are attracted only by those who push them away ?, and attraction is precisely in the struggle you have to go through ,in order to keep them around ?....) and one that can't have given you much joy.
Try to see it this way : you are free now. You were stuck into a toxic loop - by getting married, for whatever reason of his, he freed you from this toxic habit ! It's like he had helped you ( or forced you ) to quit smoking, or to quit drugs ! He did you a big favour, even if right now it does not feel so. Be patient, and let your mantra be " Who does not want me, does not deserve me ".Let it sink into your heart and mind- and next time you'll stay easily, automatically away from " serial discarders " !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): "On and off" was your warning-signal. Sometimes we stubbornly ignore signs and red-flags; because we want what we want. Incompatibility is the reason most relationships hit a cycle of on and off. You're forcing a relationship to be, that can't work. You've insisted on being with a man who showed you indifference; and was obviously reluctant to reconcile. You hurt yourself, sweetheart. You kept trying to prove what couldn't work was going to work; if you had to kill yourself trying. You were holding-out until he married you. I suspect a lot of details and backstory was left-out; yet you tell us to be kind. I intend to be honest.
You accuse the guy of being a narcissist. Based on what supportive-evidence and facts? You demonize him, and tell a one-sided story. We're supposed to believe it's all his fault that you're heartbroken. You are insulted by the fact he married someone else. Then you're taken-aback that he blocked you; so you wouldn't keep appearing, and making yourself detectable as a frequent-viewer on his social media accounts. Mainly to disturb his new wife. If he's a narcissist, why bother to keep viewing his online-activities? Seems to me he wasn't the only reason your relationship didn't workout. I am almost certain, you would not approve of knowing his exes were always among his online-followers! Is your point to be a thorn in his side, if he didn't choose you?
Okay, so where do we go from here? You weren't the chosen one, because the results were always the same...trial after trail. Retake after retake. You tried over and over, and it kept failing. He knew beyond any doubt; history and experience proved consistently that you were not the one he should marry. Which follows, that he was not the one for you either. Of course he blocked a stalking-ex from his social media accounts! He's a married-man! He now has a wife, and his relationship with you is long over.
Your feelings and emotions may linger stubbornly, only because you're stubborn. If you wanted to move on, you could have sometime ago. You couldn't deal with being rejected by this particular man. There was always a nagging question in your mind: "Why am I not good enough for him?" You can't stand the thought of him with anybody else. Well, the reality is...he married someone else. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't make it work.
Healing will begin, when you decide to let-go. You don't need his validation, or to prove anything to him. He has no hold on your feelings, and no control over your future. It's you who's holding-on to the past.
When you realize it has absolutely nothing to do with whether you're good enough for him; you'll come to terms with all of this. Time and time again, it was repeatedly proven that you were not meant for each-other. I guess it's true, bad-habits are the hardest to break. He was a bad-habit you had to break. You can't live a life of drama, and expect to find any happiness in it. Drama is the result of things being off-kilter and unstable in a relationship. It recurs, because there is nothing to stabilize the disharmony found in being mismatched.
Just before a light-bulb burns-out, it flickers on and off. Once it goes-out for the last time. That's it! You can still screw it back into the socket, but it will never work again. Write him off as bad-history, and do you best to forget. Your destiny does not include him. Maybe he was holding you back from something greater intended for you. Finally he is out of the way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 July 2020):
 I think the only thing you did "wrong" was dating someone on/off.
If a relationship is a go/stop - on/off - it's NOT working. Love has little to do with it. I'd even say this, IF two people are a GOOD fit overall they WILL (if they also BOTH care for each other deeply) make things work, not end it every time things get rough.
Maybe he felt that it really wasn't going anywhere or there was too much drama with you, so he moved on.
I think the fact that he MARRIED someone else probably mean he was never that invested in you. OR that he acted in haste. OR.... that he knew her a LOT longer than you know. As is, WHILE he was also dating you.
Does it mean YOU aren't good enough? No.
Why on Earth would you want him to marry you? A ring on your finger and a set of vows DOESN'T equate to a GOOD and SOLID relationship.
Love is not switched on/off. Remember that.
If there were a lot of "ultimatums" going on with you two (from either side) that resulted in break ups, you two made the mistake of thinking that a little time apart will fix stuff.
If he just randomly dumped you and then hesitantly took you back over and over, HE wasn't sure about you two. Or he simply used you.
My advice? STOP stalking his social media.
ACCEPT reality. It's over, HE moved on. YOU need to work on moving on now. The SOONER you move on, the SOONER you can potentially MEET the RIGHT guy for you.
Don't ignore red flags because you want a partner. It will not make things work.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): Unfortunately I do have to say that you must forget him and move on. You asked for advice and it is something you should have done ages ago. When someone hesitates to come back to you they are not very keen, they are just treading water until someone or something better comes along. That is not love, it is just a way to kill some time. Sometimes people return to someone or stay in a relationship for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with the other person being right for them.. religion, health, money, loneliness, sex, ego, boredom etc. You also should have asked yourself why it is that you want to get back with him over and over when all of the signs told you it would keep going wrong.
It is good that he is gone "forever" with someone else. I doubt he loves her and doubt it will last. But as far as you are concerned you must not want to stay in his life in any shape or form, looking him up on social media etc is holding onto the past and will just waste even more precious time. You will never be sure of the questions you ask even if you could somehow ask him all of those questions. He either does not know the answers or will lie to avoid an argument.
The sad fact is that if you are not married or engaged to someone a relationship might have a time limit. Relationships usually get stronger and better or go downhill, one or the other. If a marriage with commitments does not guarantee that a person loves you and will not cheat and will not mess you around then imagine what can happen when there are no real commitments or promises or seriousness from one or both.
I am sorry that you are hurting. You must learn to love yourself more. When you love yourself you do not allow people to keep returning to hurt you again.
A person who loves themselves would be more picky about it all, and would prefer to be single until someone better comes along.
It is good for you to be single now, work on yourself so that when you meet someone more serious you can make it work. Where it is happy for both and not keep splitting up and maybe getting back together. Those dramatic relationships are more trouble than they are worth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): One of the things people struggle with during break ups is attachment!
You are use to being with this person. Waking up next to this person. Talking to this person everyday. Your going through withdrawal. The same things happen to your brain during a breakup as if you were coming off drugs. That’s why some people end up going back to exes again and again. To get another fix! Even when you know it isn’t working and not good for you at all!
Your job now is to get over your addiction.
It’s not easy and you will hurt for a little while. The best thing for getting over a breakup - is time. Time to heal, time to deal with your emotions and time to re-build your strength.
It doesn’t feel like it now, but your ex blocking you on social media is a good thing. You need to cut ALL ties with him, including blocking and deleting his number. Only then will you be able to move forward. Over time it will get easier, I promise.
I don’t think he is a narcissist, he just simply moved on with his life. He kept going back to you for the same reasons you kept going back to him - ATTACHMENT! Sometimes people confuse this with love.
He blocked you because he is trying to move on with his life. It’s hard, but he is married now, time to accept your relationship is over.
Sometimes two people are just not right for each other. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, you just aren’t compatible. That’s why you have been on and off for years. You aren’t a good match.
I understand it’s hard, but try not to see it as ‘you did something wrong’ or ‘you weren’t the chosen one’. I’m sure you are a lovely woman with a lot to give to a relationship. It was just two people that weren’t right for each other put together.
It’s normal after a breakup to have these feelings and doubts. It’s normal to have questions and to ‘feel you aren’t good enough’. But that’s the withdrawal talking. How you feel about yourself now is not true.
Your right - your in the painful process of moving on. You’ve just got to keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
As I said time is the best way to heal.
In the meantime there are things you can do to help yourself heal. I’ve always felt that when your brain is acting up, the best way to deal with it, is to fight your brain - with your brain.
Get your feel-good hormones pumping. Make sure you get excercise everyday, go for walks in nature, spend time with friends and family if you can, buy yourself some new clothes, take relaxing bubble baths. Anything you enjoy to get them hormones pumping through your blood. Make sure you are eating and sleeping well to give your brain the power to get through this.
Challenge your brain on self-depricating thoughts and deal with your emotions. Buy a journal and write all your thoughts and emotions down. If it’s mainly negative - CHALLENGE IT!
Write about things you like about yourself, the good things in your life, ask yourself if what you are thinking is actually true. Let all of your emotions out on the page. Emotions are meant to be dealt with and expressed, otherwise they build up inside you and become emotional memories. Your brain is meant to be challenged, it’s how it learns, how you grow as a person it LIKES this. Start a gratitude journal. Maybe give meditation or yoga a go if that interests you.
More importantly than any of that - stop being so hard on yourself for being a human being with emotions. Give it time and you will look back on this and be able to take lessons for it.
Keep your chin up!
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