A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I had an abortion two years ago when I was 16. Even though I thought it was the right thing to do back then, I now really regret it to the point I cry myself to sleep some nights.It happened in my final year of High School when I had a fling with a lad in my year. I’ll be honest, I was desperate for a boyfriend back then. There were so many lads I fancied but I rarely got any attention from any of them because to be blunt, I’m not the best looking girl in the world. I am quite fat. However I ended up getting paired with a really good looking and popular lad in Science and he actually seemed to like me. We chatted for weeks on Snapchat before he eventually invited me round to his house while his Mum and Dad were out and we had sex. Even though it was my first time it was amazing. My older sister had always said having sex for the first time would hurt more than it would feel good but it didn’t to me. I loved every second of it.Together we’d walk around school holding hands, to just show off more than anything (which just showed how immature I was). People were shocked that someone as popular as him was with someone like me, and I loved the attention. There were three girls in particular who picked on me all the time about my weight and I know for a fact that one of them fancied him like mad, so it felt good rubbing her nose in it. But really our ‘relationship’ was non-existent. Looking back on it we didn’t really communicate with each other very well. I’d have loved for us to be boyfriend and girlfriend but never made that clear enough with him at the start. All we really did was have sex at his house when his parents were out so really we were just friends with benefits. One night when I was at his house he didn’t realise he’d run out of condoms (We’d always used them up to that point) so we tried to just stick to foreplay but got caught up in the moment and ended up having full sex, unprotected. It was completely stupid I know but I thought I could just get the Morning after pill to bail us out.Even though I did get the pill the following morning I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later, so it must have just not worked. More than anything I was just worried about my parents finding out so I didn’t tell a single person and booked a secret abortion. Looking back I don’t think I truly grasped the situation I was in and how big a decision this actually was. Literally all I cared about at that time was getting away with it. The abortion barely affected me at all at the time. In fact after I’d taken the second tablet I actually got impatient waiting for the bleeding to start. When it finally happened I thought that was that and got on with my life knowing it was over and done with.By this point whatever ‘relationship’ I had with the lad I was sleeping with had fizzled out. We hadn’t been able to spend any time together outside of school for weeks. In fact the last time we were together was the night I got pregnant. Looking back though I do realise I seemed to push him away. He suggested doing things other than just having sex but I never took him up on any of it. I guess to him I just seemed uninterested and in the end he moved on. Why I did this I’ve got no idea, I’d have loved to have gone on a proper date with him but I guess my head was all over the place at the time.I’ve only ever told a few people about the abortion; my two closest friends and my cousin, who just so happens to be a counsellor. To be honest, my cousin has been my rock throughout this whole thing. It was only about eight months ago that I started to really feel bad about it which is why I told her and she has always been there for me when I’ve needed to talk to someone. I know she’s taking a big risk as well because she’s agreed to keep it a secret from my parents and the rest of my family, and I know if they would ever happen to find out they’d be furious with her. My cousin thinks I shouldn’t have gone through something like an abortion on my own at just 16 and that more than anything I’m overcome with guilt over it.I agree with her to an extent because I do feel guilty about taking the coward’s way out just to save my own skin from getting in trouble. I also feel bad for the lad I slept with, because I aborted his child without even telling him. I mean what right did I actually have to deny him a say in any of it? My two friends had always said he’d have run a mile if I kept it and part of me does agree but there’s always been this nagging feeling in my mind that he would in fact have stepped up and been there for our child if I’d decided to keep it and told him. It’s the not knowing that’s affecting me most I think.I’m 18 now and look at the whole thing completely differently. I do feel I’ve matured a lot since then. Now abortion is something I’m completely against, just thinking about it sickens me. But I feel like I’ve tainted myself forever because I’ve had one. At the same time though I can’t honestly say how I would’ve reacted to being a Teen Mum as I’ve seen TV shows about how hard it is raising a baby, especially if you have to do it on your own with no help from the father. I may well have hated it, but then again it may have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I just don’t know. I’m also really reluctant to start new relationships with boys. I’ve had interest from a few lads here and there in college but I’ve never showed any interest back because I’m worried about getting into the same mess as before. I really don’t know why though because the only reason I got pregnant is because I willingly had sex unprotected. It’s self-explanatory. I know all I have to do is use contraception and it’s highly unlikely it’ll happen again, but there’s almost like some kind of mental block that’s stopping me.Being in Lockdown and not in college hasn’t really helped either as it’s just given me more chance to sit in my room thinking about it most days. I just don’t know how to move on, do any of you have any advice?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 July 2020):
 Continue counseling.
Find it within yourself to forgive yourself.
I still feel horrible about having PLANNED to have an abortion (had a miscarriage ) and that was over 25 years ago. I know LOGICALLY that not having a child with THAT man and at THAT time was a better option, but I am also painfully aware that I "planned to take a life".
While I AM pro life, I understand that there are times where a pregnancy and child is NOT the right thing. For a girl at age 16? It's RARELY a good time. You had no way of supporting yourself AND a brand new baby, you didn't (and probably still don't) have the maturity to raise the child. I'm not looking for excuses, I'm giving you reasons why you LOGICALLY though it was the better option.
And I can tell you why you have the delayed reaction of sadness, loss and shame. 1. your body starts to produce hormones when you become pregnant. THOSE are still there lingering a while after. 2. It's a choice a girl of 16 should NEVER have to make. 3. It SEEMS like an "easy" choice, but it really isn't. 4. you did it all ALONE.
But you ARE not alone. I'm glad that you told someone and that you are having a cousin who can help you move forward.
What you HAVE to accept is that YOU made a choice out of desperation, fear, and inexperience. LOGICALLY, it made sense. It made it all "go away". Except in your mind and heart. THAT you can't change.
The PAST is the past. You will make more choices in life, over time that you might later regret. Not many people go though life and have nothing they WISHED they hadn't done or said. The thing is to find ACCEPTANCE and FORGIVENESS with in yourself. Or you end up lugging around emotional baggage just to punish yourself for the rest of your life. And really... HOW is that going to help?
LEARN from this. NO unprotected sex UNLESS you are ready and willing to take on the responsibility of a child.
Birth control. When you DO meet a guy you want to date, GET on birth control and KEEP using condoms. As the saying goes, "Suspenders AND a belt will surely keep a pair of pants on!"
It takes two to tango. I understand why you pushed him away. It makes sense.
Also, I would like to add that WHEN I was ready for kids I had married my husband and we have 3 awesome kids (well almost adults :) ) I accept that there are things I can't not chance in the past, I try to LEAVE it in the past because it's SIMPLY not productive to carry around any more.
Accept that you will go through the stages of grief. It's normal. It's OK to be a human being with feelings.
You were 16. At 16 we all thought we were bullet proof. you probably didn't have many hard choices to make back then. Actions have consequences. You learned that the hard way.
I will also encourage you to exercise daily. Exercise can help your mood, go for a long walk, take the bike out, work out at home in from of your computer, tv, tablet, phone.
You will be OK. Life will go on. You will find your center again and move forward.
If you think your parents can handle this, TALK to them. If you think they will judge you harshly, don't.
You CAN NOT change the past.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (6 July 2020):
 OP, please let me tell you that the first thing you have to do is forgive yourself. This is honestly the hardest thing that you have to do. I speak from experience. When I was in my early 20's I too had an abortion. That was almost 31 years ago and it still hurts to this day. I was married and already had 2 children and I let my husband convince me that we couldn't afford a 3rd child. Like you somehow birth control failed. I had been brought up as a Catholic, had worked at an anti abortion hotline. Trust me, it wasn't easy what I did. I was about 6 weeks ago, and had it the day before my birthday (horrible will never be able to forget). I knew even as it was happening that I should stop it but I didn't. I was frightened and being pressured by my husband. I cried for days afterwards even though I was also relieved.
I know what you have went through sweetie. Its a horrible secret that you keep because mostly you just want to forget and move on, and yet you don't feel like you can.
I finally confided in my grandmother bless her heart because she had one too (Long before they were legal and she almost bleed to death from going to a back street alley quack). I needed to tell someone. Unfortunately she couldn't handle the burden and she told my mother ( her daughter) he one person I NEVER wanted to know. I was so upset and hurt that something so awful and personal was now something the whole family knew! Even though everyone acted ok I knew I was being judged. It was an awful time.
So yeah..I have been there. You did what you did based on the time and the situation. Its done and you have got to forgive yourself and find peace. If you believe in God, and haven't asked for forgiveness but feel you need it, then talk to him. Lighten your load. God forgives. Believe that.
You must let go and love yourself. You sound like a sweet caring young woman. Don't hold on to this any longer alright? Continue to seek guidance from your cousin. Someday I promise it won't trouble you as it does now. Its acceptance. It will come with time.
Please love yourself. No one can judge you but you and no one has the right. Put this in the past where it belongs. Please be good to yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Sweetheart, there are so many unusual factors that are pressing on you during these troubling-times. You'll look back in retrospect; or you're forced to introspect, about yourself and the past. You haven't spent that much time in this world; so there is very little else so impactful in your past to think about.
You're not alone. I think it's symptomatic and pretty common for everybody at this time. One of the benefits of the Covid-19 crisis is pushing people together with their families. Forcing us to look deeper into ourselves to see our own faults; rather than just judging others, or making excuses for our bad-behavior. It has surpassed the the toxic-effects of the previous "selfie epidemic" we had to suffer up to now! You see things more clearly, and you can slow-down your thought-processes to review things you could have handled better. If you weren't rushed, in a panic, or simply impatient. You're going to be okay. Don't allow guilt and remorse to overwhelm you. You just can't run from it or distance yourself like you could; when the world had more time and space to runaway from our problems or mistakes. Let it go, baby-girl! May God bring you peace. The peace only He can give, that surpasses all understanding. That is a prayer-gift to you!
Being a person of faith, I always see the spiritual-side of things; I don't just see the worldly, scientific, or the negative-side. You are loved in God's eyes, and He understands what was happening at the time. You were too young to have the judgement to make better choices; but fear made you act on impulse. This is a life-lesson, one of many more to come; and it has given you an opportunity to change your perspective.
It is not meant to crush you under guilt. God doesn't do that, He only tests and coaches us for endurance. He prepares us for tougher-times and situations. He doesn't make bad-things happen to us; He's the reason we learn and survive them. Then we help and educate others with the wisdom of our experience. Even though we are not aware of His involvement in the background. Times like these mature and strengthens us; and gives us the skills to survive. They make us more attentive to the suffering of others, and cures us of our selfishness and apathy. Although, many remain self-centered and stupid. Thinking they've got rights that cancel better wisdom. Their so-called rights overrule and void the safety of medical-precautions; and override the set-guidelines, meant to save the lives of others. Those more vulnerable or susceptible to infection. They will answer for it. There is an ultimate-price to pay for indifference, stubbornness, and deliberate-ignorance. Some people only learn when hit with the consequences of their stupidity, and some only need advice. Some make mistakes, but survive to correct their mistakes; and redeem themselves for any harm they've caused themselves and/or to others. We change and grow, my dear! You seem to be a very lovely person! Wise far beyond your years!
Just reading your post, I am impressed by how well you articulate your thoughts; you seem so mature, and exhibit the intelligence of someone twice, or three times your age. I'm also impressed with your insight.
Being closed-up and restricted for a long-time, brings-on anxiety and discomfort from the confinement. Abortion is a very serious choice; and you shouldn't be indifferent to it. Your youthful-innocence saved you back then! Being too young to realize the emotional-impact, was actually was better for you. You were only a scared-child; it's just unfortunate that you were able to undergo such a procedure without adult-guidance; and the support of someone you trusted. Blame some of it on the anxiety of trying to maintain social-distancing; and keeping-up with the ever-changing information, or many contradictions about a deadly virus! Naturally, you are going to sense misgivings, guilt, and fear. All that is a lot, on an 18 year-old teenage-girl! One so sensitive and smart! God bless your soul, my dear!
Oh, those stubborn regrets and the should-have, could-have, would-haves we face; once we are more mature, or in a better frame of mind. Such is life. Someone so young, shouldn't have to endure it.
It was panic and fear that made you react on impulse; but the delayed-anxiety and subsequent remorse is a natural emotional-response. You did something you felt you had to do at the time, but that was then...this is now. It's all well behind you.
Forgive yourself, you cannot reverse time. You're just now old enough to realize the other options; because with experience and maturity, comes wisdom. The downside is developing a stubborn and relentless case of hindsight! You should not punish yourself for what the scared young-girl did two years ago; nor should you feel indifferent about making a serious choice that affects more than yourself. Some choices may haunt your conscience; but time allows us to come to terms, and cope with the past. It fades into history, where it belongs. You will find your peace.
You should continue the counseling through your cousin. It's good that you get it from someone you love and can trust. You're still a child to some degree; so you haven't developed the mental-fortitude of someone with age and experience on her side. If you were older, you might have felt the same amount of guilt and regret; but you wouldn't have to deal with the overpowering emotions. Being confined so long; you are forced to dwell on it. It finally caught-up with you. The good news is, this shall pass! This whole experience will make you stronger, and has changed your perspective on the responsibility you have over your body; and how you view sex and men. Don't let it turn into bitterness; or overwhelm you to the point of depression. Continue your therapy and counseling with your cousin; for as long as it takes to come to grips with your feelings about it.
I wish you God's peace, and many blessings to come in your future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Oh sweetheart!
I completely feel for you and know this is very hard.
You were young and made a mistake. It happens and although it hurts now, there’s nothing you can do to change it. You need to forgive yourself, only then can you move on.
Do you think loneliness is making you feel worse?
Sometimes people think having a baby will help them not be lonely or give them the love they think they don’t have. Your situation has changed since you were 16. You had a ‘guy friend’ and no responsibilities. Now you are an adult and have been scarred from relationships with men through fear.
I accept this may not be the case, but maybe it’s something to think about? Only you know the answer to that.
You seem to think badly about yourself in general. ‘I’m not the best looking girl in the world, and ‘I am quite fat’. But you must see that you are attractive to men. This young ‘good looking’ guy at your school -CHOSE YOU’. He tried asking for more than sex with you, but you were scared to take that chance. Are you sure your insecurities with men didn’t start before your abortion? Do you not feel good enough to be loved? You said it yourself, other men have liked you since. So you ARE attractive. Attraction goes beyond physical appearance or how you ‘think you look’.
On the other hand, maybe you are just not ready for a new relationship. That’s ok too. There’s no rush, take your time, deal with your emotions first. Don’t judge yourself because you don’t want a relationship at the moment.
Guilt can be a hard thing to live with, but you need to find a way to forgive yourself and move on. It won’t be easy and it will take time. But try not think about the ‘What ifs’. What’s done is done and you cannot change it. Thinking like this is pointless (although understandable).
You are starting a delayed grieving process. Let yourself grieve for a while. Don’t judge yourself for feeling the way you do. You need to understand your feelings. Don’t rush things.
If you still can’t get over it then think about speaking to your parents. They know you better than anyone and will be able to help you through this better then we can or your cousin in a way. It is scary telling your parents this, but they love you and will want to help you through this. Or find a support group online with women who have gone through the same thing as you and dealing with the same thing.
Buy a journal and write down your feelings. Make sure you get out of the house once a day. Go for walks, get some excercise, make sure you are getting enough sleep and eating. Look after yourself while you are going through this.
It’s great that you have got your cousin for support. Keep talking to her and let her help you through this. She is right by saying that what you went through is a lot for a 16 year old girl to handle on her own. It’s hard for adults aswell. But you made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes.
I have been through what you are going through, as have some of my friends. There is no easy way out of it - it just takes time.
This is why I am trying to give you different options because it’s different for everyone. I had feelings of guilt, my friend had feelings of anger towards herself. I was lonely, another friend was relieved.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You will heal eventually.
All the best x
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