A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How would a wife know her husband is physically attracted to her ? If she asks him and he just nods or is evasive or doesn’t ever compliment her. Is the fact he has sex with her a way she should assume means he’s attracted even though he also gets very excited over other women online and even actually lore hard when looking at them than his wife . How would the wife know he isn’t just having sexual with her for physical release? Or do men need to feel physical attraction to the particular woman they are having sexual with ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): Well - there you are OP!!
If you feel neglected and know your worth, then find someone who appreciates you.
You’ve spoken to him and he still doesn’t want to put the effort in. You know what you need from a relationship, that’s a good thing. You have tried - to no avail!
I’m sure there are plenty of men out there that would LOVE a confident, sexy woman flirting with them and walking around in lingerie. So go get what you feel you deserve!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2020): I am the poster of the question and yes I resonate most closely to what Cindy says . I feel , just ‘feel’ and sense that those looks , those gestures that I see in other couples and that I express to him are not reciprocated
As far as my self confidence I feel it’s solid. I know my worth and don’t think I’m insecure or unattractive . I just don’t want to be with a partner who has no physical attraction to me simply because abuse we have ‘history’ , surely everybody is worth more than that . Being single and being able to perhaps meet someone who might be attracted to me sounds preferable to being with someone who is just relieving himself into me whilst imagining someone other younger and new woman who he is attracted to.
I’ve talked to him many times , calmly and still nothing . I simply feel that even after a long time together of her can almost have his eyes drop out of his head over a young porn star he could at least notice when I’m dressed up and made an extra effort or even not look around me to the woman on the tv when I walk out in lingerie and flirt with him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 July 2020):
 No, men do not need to feel physical attraction to the particular woman they are having sex with. They can love the °sensations ° they get from sexual intercourse, without particularly admiring or appreciating the woman they are having it with.
Of course if they are actually repulsed by their partner, or potential partner, - they won't even bother, and they will abstain from initiating sex altogether ( at least, so logic would dictate !). But, the level of attraction to make intercourse possible can be very basic, very lukewarm.
So, how do you know if your husband is attracted to you ?... well, maybe my perspective is not too optimistic, but my opinion is that, if you have to wonder, if you have to doubt it- then he is not attracted. Not really . When two people are attracted physically to each other... it just shows. It's difficult to explain, and I am not referring to teenagerial PDAs, but if two people are attracted to each other, even at an older age, and with the adoption of more restrained, more dignified ways to show love,- it shows. From the way they smile at each other, or look at each other, or call each other by affectionate nicknames, or the way subconsciously they'll seek physical contact. Like, being ready to offer an arm for support even when not strictly necessary, or smoothing away a rebellious strand of hair from the partner's brow.
When you like somebody , you like to look at them, and you ike to touch them- and you'll find frequent yet subtle ways to do it. It's not at all about groping asses in public, which at a certain age would be a bit gross to see . But the way people walk in step, for instance , without even realizing it , as opposed to one darting three steps in front of the other. And compliments, yes. Noticing things. A new outfit, a new haircut. Not necessarily lavishing approval, but noticing changes, at once. Alas, how many husbands realize days and days later that their wife changed from brunette to blonde ( and how many wives, to be fair, need to be °told° that their husband grew moustaches to notice it ). Living with people day in day out makes them sort of invisible , in a way, one does not really "see " them. Unless you are very attracted. Attraction notices changes.
In short, my personal opinion is that , unluckily, if you have to ask ... the answer is no. In all fairness, though, I must say that other readers have a point when they say that a long partnership changes things and makes people take so much for granted. You love your spouse, you would never leave them- but you don't go around telling them every moment " I love you ! With all my heart ! I would never leave you ! ". So, I suppose it might be the same for physical attraction, it's not over and dead, just the spouse does not feel the need to comment it or remark it - after such a long time !
Tell him. Men are a bit mentally lazy, some times they need to be reminded even simple , ordinary things which , to a woman's mind, should not need to be reminded. Tell him that you feel you are a bit in a root, attraction wise, and that you would not mind a little compliment here and there, some terms of endearment, a little reassurance. So maybe it's a weakness ( in his eyes ), maybe it's insecurity coming from the passing of years ... So frigging what. You are human, you have right to your weak spots, your little insecurities, asking occasional ( not maniacal ) reassurance to your husband is not like you'd asked from the first passer-by in the street !
As a matter of fact, I think a good , caring husband would do it on his own, without much pushing and prodding , but... yeah age can make any of us ( men AND women ) grumpier and harsher and colder, we all need to be encouraged to show that great strength which lies within tenderness.
Then, if he cannot show a little tenderness , a litte appreciation, even with being ( clearly,but gently- no whining, no accusing ) ) invited to do so... then you will have your answer; no, he is not attracted to you and he is having sex with you precisely because of getting physical release.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): I think sometimes people can get lazy in long term relationships. They assume their partner knows how the feel so don’t feel the need to express it. Even when you ask him, all that’s going through his head is ‘she knows I do, so why is she asking me silly questions’? So you get a nod.
Just because he doesn’t say it OP, doesn’t mean he doesn’t think and feel it.
Think about how you behaved at the beginning of your relationship or marriage. I bet you don’t always say the things now that you use to say to him or do the things you use to do. But you still love him right? Of course you do!
It’s different for everyone. But for me it takes a lot more than appearance for me to be ‘attracted to someone, even physically’. When a man treats me with respect, is kind and looks after me and loves me for me - my physical attraction for them SKYROCKETS!!!
You can be the best looking man in the world, but if you treat me poorly - you will automatically become UGLY in my eyes.
Sure physical appearance can be nice to look at, but it will NEVER measure up to the attraction I have for my husband. THAT is love my dear!!
He may like to look at other women, most people like to look at attractive people. But as I said they will never match up to you. True attraction goes beyond physical. It’s also emotional, intellectual and spiritual.
For example, when you start dating someone new and you decide it ‘isn’t working’ and you ‘see no future’ with that person. Most people really don’t know why they feel like that. The person your dating could be lovely, funny and VERY attractive - but something is missing. THAT is the emotional, intellectual and spiritual side. You need ALL of those componants to feel FULLY attracted to someone. That’s the difference between short term and long term relationships.
All I can say is sex most of the time in relationships does tend to slow down or stop when a relationship isn’t working. So the fact that you two still have sex is a good sign. If it was just physical release - then he has a hand doesn’t he?
Sure, some men can have sex with woman they don’t find attractive but as I said TRUE attraction goes beyond physical.
I feel like this is more to do with YOUR insecurities about yourself. You shouldn’t always need a mans approval to feel sexy or attractive. You should know your attractive and be confident in all your appeal.
If you don’t feel attractive, then do things that do make you feel it. Dress for confidence, look after yourself physically and mentally. Get a new haircut and some new clothes. But do this for you - NOT your husband or any one else for that matter. Get YOUR confidence back!!!
Confidence is attractive, confidence is sexy! Although this should ultimately be for you - your husband will take notice!!
Not that I’m saying you need to change, but if it will help with your insecurities and make you feel better about yourself - then go for it girl! Take charge.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): How long have you been married? Sex is not an indication someone loves or is attracted to you. Ever heard of a one-night-stand? Sex-workers have sex for a living. They don't love their clients, they don't care what they look like; even though the pretend to enjoy the sex.
Do you still love your husband?
It seems you have a husband who is so used to marriage he no longer shows affection; or exhibits no visible signs that he still loves you. Covid-19 home-confinement has people really focused on negativity, or sad and unhappy thoughts. We are reflecting on things that we don't normally consider, or just assume all is well.
Physical-attraction helps to make sex more enjoyable. Although it isn't necessary.
Men who are undemonstrative in their feelings, as late as in their 50's (or older), are unlikely to change. If your husband has always been the type who never compliments, never says anything loving, and never shows kindness; that's the man you married. He is not representative of his gender. He is an individual, accountable for his own behavior; and that's the kind of person HE IS! Ask yourself...out of all men, why did you choose him? What did he do that made you fall for him? Is it still there, or gone?
Men can be sexually-attracted to someone and not love them; just like women can. Just as women can fake orgasms and pretend to enjoy sex with their partners; and otherwise dread every moment of it.
You can't read minds; so you have to rely on faith in the evidence, and have trust. Actions speak louder than words!
People demonstrate their love through their actions, changes in mood, body-language, and facial-expressions. They surprise you with unexpected gestures of sweetness, they fuss over you, they are fiercely protective; and they'll stick to you like glue. Yet, they may not utter the words "I love you!" Nobody knows why some people won't say it. Yet they do! They suffer when they know you are cross with them. They pout when you say "no," or reject them. Yet and still, you want them to say those words! You want them to make you feel desirable. They can be immensely attracted to you; but age may limit or decrease our sex-drive. Men never want to admit they have minimal or full erectile-dysfunction; but would rather hide it. Some turn to porn, and it changes their visual-perceptive about sexiness; but not their attraction to their mate. Too much masturbation will diminish his sexual-energy, or kill his sexual-appetite. Don't take that to mean he doesn't get turned-on at the very thought of you. He probably does, he's just out of...you know! He may be getting old and grumpy, but he feels foolish to tell his mature-spouse how sexy she is. Maybe he feels too old or mature to be talking like that.
If you're a person skeptical that love is true, or if it truly exists. If you don't believe it can happen to you. You still don't know for sure if they mean it, just because they've said they do. He can throw hollow compliments at you by the loads; but not mean a single word. Just tell you what you want to hear to shut you up. If you know and trust your husband, I don't think you'd be here. You need to summon the courage to speak your truth to him. Regardless of how he reacts or responds. It's what you plant in his skull and give him to think about that brings about the changes you want and need. Rather than nagging or whining, educate the sucker! He's being an old-fart! You've got feelings, that doesn't go with age!!!
When love is there, you don't really need to ask; because everything they/we do spells it out.
Does he seem upset and fuss over you when you're ill? Does he see you struggling with a the groceries and voluntarily step-in to carry them for you? Has he made every effort he can all his life to provide for you and your children, if you have any? Does he try to make you laugh, or playfully tease you? Does he get sentimental and remind you of the good-ole days? Does he remember special-occasions or tiny details about you? Sometimes men are showing signs of their devotion and attraction, but you're looking for the kind of stuff shown on Hallmark cards or on soap operas. If he is a simple-man, he may not be a Romeo; but he'd cross a desert for you. He's as steady as a rock when you need him. He won't let anyone getaway with insulting or hurting you in any way. He defends you, and pampers you unexpectedly. You'll look at him sideways wondering what he's up-to, or what must he have done? He shows terror in his eyes when he hears scary things from your doctor.
You have to first consider yourself an attractive-woman, before you'll believe what someone else tells you. They should be confirming what you already believe, not influencing your opinion of yourself. According to God, you were "fearfully and wonderfully made." There is nothing your husband or any man can take-away or add to that!
He may be bland and ordinary; but he wouldn't know what to do without you. He's being neglectful when he forgets to let you know he loves what his eyes can see, in and about you. Sometimes you have to remind him.
Here's my suggestion. Tell him to his face, that he shows you no signs he is attracted to you. Ask him point-blank if he is, and why can't you feel it coming from him? If he's closed-off and self-absorbed; he didn't just become that way. That's the man you married.
Now lets face reality. Now might be too late to be concerned; after you've spent years with him, and see very little difference now than from the beginning. As people age, they don't behave like they did back in their 20's; but love is ageless, and it makes itself felt. If he has been taking you for granted; he's a fool, and just expects you to be there always. Then maybe you should look him dead in the eyes; and tell him he's just a shell of a man. Although he is your beloved-husband, he has allowed you to wonder whether he still loves you and finds you physically-attractive? Don't feast or survive on compliments, vanity makes a fool of us!
I'll tell you this, if you left him; he wouldn't know what to do without you! Remind him, that leaving him is always a possibility; sometimes a brutal shock will wake-up a fool with a sleeping-heart. Getting older doesn't mean your heart goes into dormancy. That's when you should realize that time is ticking-away, and as the days go-by; the time we have left with our loved-ones grows shorter. Let him know, if he loves you...why is it hard to feel it? If he can't answer that question then and there. He'll get grumpy, and try to make you feel foolish for what you've said. All the same, you'll plant a seed in his mind. "Is she thinking about leaving me?" If he doesn't care, and nothing changes. Then consider letting him know exactly what life is like without you! Let him taste the sting of loneliness and your absence. Become more independent. Pursue your own happiness! Take holidays alone or with your friends...excluding him! Do everything you you've ever wanted to do for yourself; but gave-up for him. Sitting alone, he'll contemplate what's gotten into you; and realize what a treasure you've always been in his life. Even when you're a pain in the bum! You should know that he still finds you attractive and important to him.
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