A
female
age
,
*ileycyrus
writes:I was contacted by my first love on facebook.He said he was happily married on facebook as am I;Our relationship was 33 years ago. We dated as teens and were in love till he went away to school he said we should date others and didn't want to see me anymore because I would ruin his chances of meeting anyone else in college. he came back months later said he had made a mistake and wanted to get back together I had moved on so I said no. 33 years later he found me on facebook apologized to me and says he wants to be friends but he doesn't want his wife to get hurt I have been married 23 years and wants to be friends with me without telling his wifewhat do you think I should do should I be his facebook or not
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female
reader, gileycyrus +, writes (6 November 2014):
gileycyrus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI loved all your answers
A
female
reader, gileycyrus +, writes (1 November 2014):
gileycyrus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionl loved all your answers . I told him that we should let the past be the past unfriended and then blocked him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): and to his credit hedid say that he told his that he had found me after I had told him thati was upset that he did not tell his wife should I then believe him or not
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): after I posted photos of where we grew up to another friend he said he said he was planning a trip but his wife and son had no interest
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): i printed some photos on my facebook page not o him but to another friend about where we grew up whicjh is right here where i live now and he says am planning a trip wife and son have no interest.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2014):
 You said that you're married??
There *is* no such thing as "friends" with an ex, doesn't matter how long ago you and he were together. It is by every account an act of disloyalty towards your husband.
And that's telling me something, when the conversation is about his wife and not YOUR husband. Your husband, not this old flame, and not his wife should be your ONLY consideration. It starts and stops with your husband.
If I were in your shoes, and a couple of years ago, I actually was when an ex from high school contacted me with a Facebook friend request and a private message wanting to be friends, I turned him down by telling him that I was married and that memories should stay memories.
Then I told my husband that I was contacted by him, showed him the messages (his and mine, even though I didn't have to), and put it to rest. My husband and the trust we've built up over the years, is that important to me. Nostalgia is a dumpster compared to what I have now.
That's what you need to do. There *is* no friendship to be had, here. Only disloyalty and infidelity, both to his wife and to your husband. Even if you get into the friendship thinking "we're just talking, and nothing is ever going to happen", remember that an emotional affair can be just as devastating as an physical one, as boundaries will get crossed, flirting, bad-talking one's spouse, becoming intoxicated and flattered by someone else's attention and interested ear. Then affections and attentions get alienated from your husband (and his wife), and the subconscious comparisons happen.
What to say or do?? You already know. When it comes to your husband, who is *all* that matters in this story, neither invite this man back into your life in any capacity whatsoever, nor ask your husband if you can, putting him on the spot and corroding the trust you built up together little by little.
In short, let the past stay the past. Turn him down, then block him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): OP,
The more important question is;
What do you want from him?
An honest friendship? Ok. Now that you are clear that you want an honest friendship ask yourself why YOU had to insist that he tell HIS wife about you?
YOU insisted because you wanted PROOF that he only wanted friendship. You wanted proof because you didn't BELEIVE that his actions (keeping his wife in the dark about you) showed the intention to be just friends.
In other words you yourself didn't trust his intentions and therefore asked him to tell his wife about you. Given your distrust of his intentions DO YOU THINK *YOU* should pursue this friendship? Do you think it is appropriate for you to pursue a friendship with someone you suspect to carry a torch for you?
If I were your husband I would not be happy. If I were you I would respect my relationship and his relationship and wish him well then cut contact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): Op. You're not stupid. Come on! If he wanted to just be friends why would he mention not wanting to hurt his wife? You know full well it's not friendship he's after.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): He wants a discrete, no commitment affair with you. If you do too, keep talking to him. If not, go no contact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): he did tell his wife at my insistence during the days I was deciding to accept his friendship or not only at my insistence
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2014):
 I'd ignore it. I would NOt accept the "friends-request". You would be some dirty secret since he won't tell his wife about you and who wants to be that?
If he has only nice intentions why can't his wife know?
My husband has his high-school sweetheart AND her husband on his FB, and I have no problem with that. He has showed me pictures she has posted (they have some awesome dogs) and some old school photos of my husband (and the whole gang that used to hang out) that I have never seen. So I think it's cool that they occasionally talk/share stuff. I really wouldn't say that they are "friends" but they are old acquaintances.
You have been FINE without him for 33 years.. exactly. Why invite drama into your life now?
Eh.. I'd pass on that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2014):
I'd ignore it. I would NOt accept the "friends-request". You would be some dirty secret since he won't tell his wife about you and who wants to be that?
If he has only nice intentions why can't his wife know?
My husband has his high-school sweetheart AND her husband on his FB, and I have no problem with that. He has showed me pictures she has posted (they have some awesome dogs) and some old school photos of my husband (and the whole gang that used to hang out) that I have never seen. So I think it's cool that they occasionally talk/share stuff. I really wouldn't say that they are "friends" but they are old acquaintances.
You have been FINE without him for 33 years.. exactly. Why invite drama into your life now?
Eh.. I'd pass on that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): Ignore him. Simple as that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2014):
 Super fishy.
If he only wanted to be friends, why should that happen behind his wife's back ? If you were JUST friends, his wife SHOULD know about you, or even know YOU. You could be friends of the couple, not just of the guy. But even if that should not happen, no reason at all to keep a FRIEND a well guarded secret that your spouse should ignore. Unless one is up to no good.
Ergo- he does not want to rekindle a friendship, he's trying to instigata an affair with you, whether physical or just emotional, I don't know, but, if it has to be kept so secret , it's nothing honourable and nothing you should be involved with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): I would say no to this. If he wants to hide an innocent friendship from his wife something is wrong here. He already xxxxxx you around when he dumped you- why bother apologizing now all these years later? Sounds like he hasn't changed a bit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): His wife is his first loyalty. That he is willing to lie / diceive her about you casts some doubt on his intentions.
You've lived 33 years without him. It's a closed chapter.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (27 September 2014):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-does-a-guy-contact-an-ex-out.html
I'd just ignore his f/b request if I were you
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (27 September 2014):
No I don't think you should be facebook friends with him if he doesn't want to tell his wife, If it's 33 years later and it's "just friends" and he has a good relationship with his wife - why would she be upset?? Probably because he knows what he's really like.....
Call me cynical but I'm sure his intentions are not innocent.
Reminds me of another post recently
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