A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and everything is in fact quite great between us. We have good communication and I have no doubt in his love for me. Sometimes, however, he is really unreachable. He is a full-time painter and is lately not having much luck making a living out of it, so his phone credit is always up and he can't receive or make phone calls. he doesn't have internet at his house and doesn't feel comfortable with his girlfriend buying him a new phone or plan (one of those cheap unlimited ones). In fact, he likes being unreachable because he's old-school that way (and in several other ways) and doesn't want to be tied down or be a slave to his phone the way the rest of his world is. And most importantly, he INSISTS on not being disturbed when he is working (either at his part-time jobs or on his paintings). Now while I very much respect and understand his need for independence, you might imagine how frustrated I am. He went to visit his mother out of town this week and told me that he'll be back late tonight. How late? i don't know. Late. Anyway so I was at a little get-together but I came home early-ish so I can greet him when he comes and we'll kiss really passionately and laugh and hold each other and all that good stuff. But it's 12:30 at night and I don't know where he is, whether he is on his way here, or he went home, or maybe plans changed and he's still at his mom's. And I don't want to call his dear old mum at this hour. And all my daydreams about our nice greeting have turned to s**t because I removed my make up and put on my pjs and got into bed and absence makes the heart grow fonder up to a certain point, after which it becomes annoyance. Should I change the way I think? Control my feelings? Be as zen as him? I don't think it's a good enough reason to break up with someone, and I don't believe I'll find a man as good as him, but I wish he was so stubborn. Or is it me who should chill?Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): I am pleased to learn the problem has been resolved. It seems as though you have a rich relationship.
Yes, my question was rhetorical. It was intended to cause you to reflect on the overall quality of the relationship. If this is your only conflict with him you are fortunate.
Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 October 2012):
 OP thank you for the follow up. I am very glad you were able to talk to him and have some resolution to the issue.
I second Honeypie’s recommendation of the book the 5 Languages of love.. it helped me understand what my partner defines as love (he likes acts of service which don’t mean anything to me so I have to remember to do them for him)
Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, I do have good communication with him. I did tell him that if he cares about my health he should be available. In fact, I let him read all of this, so I am able to tell him. In fact, for last night, we spoke about it and to my delight he apologized and admitted that he should have gotten in touch with me. So anonymous, to answer your question, yes I am due some basic courtesy, and after discussing it he does understand. He said that we had a misunderstanding regarding his arrival but that he should have called me from his mom's phone anyway. You also asked, "How else is he good to you?", which sounds rhetorical. is it? Because if it isn't, the list is too long for me to write here. But to name a few, he's the best listener I have ever known, he takes care of me when I'm sick or sad, he's done some favours for me in the past that have been extremely inconvenient for him. He's also a generous lover. My problems are lighter when he's there. He's my best friend.Honeypie, thanks for the book suggestion, I'll look into it. I think you worded it really well. Thanks everybody!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2012):
 I think my personal opinion doesn't really matter, what matter, is that you HAVE a need to be able to contact him through out the day. And it's not being met.
He has a need to be "left alone" when he is in his creative mood. And his NEEDS are being met. Because he is 100% in control of the communication.
See what I mean?
I think I would sit him down and try and express what it is you need from him communications wise. That it's PART of a relationship (for you) to be able to get a hold of each other and it is (to me at least) common decency to let your partner know that it's going to be a long night, don't stay up kind of thing. It doesn't mean that you want to text and chat on the phone 24/7 when you are apart, but that you like to have the chance to get a hold of him.
There is a book called The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Chapman. It might give you and your BF an insight into each other and see how you two have different needs, but find ways to STILL met each others needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): You do not have good communication with this man.
If you did, you would be able to tell him that his lack of consideration for you feelings isn't healthy for the relationship.
Common sense would suggest that informing someone when you will be arriving is basic courtesy.
Aren't you due some basic courtesy?
How else is he good to you? In what way does he demonstrate care and concern for you?
Zen isn't about being oblivious to other people's feelings. He's not being zen; he's being avoidant and rude.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 October 2012):
I too remember the days of no internet, no cell phone and no email. House phones only or snail mail and folks survived and flourished and thrived and made families and babies and marriages…. So that alone is not a bad mark but Cindy as usual makes very valid points.
A cheap burn phone at walmart is 12 dollars and 50 dollars a month here can get you unlimited talk and text…. IF he can’t afford that, then he’s not working enough and/or not budgeting properly.
NOT being disturbed while at work is an admirable trait. My fiancé hates when I bug him at work… so I try not to except for emergencies and even then his cell is turned on vibrate and he may not hear it…
If you don’t think it’s worth breaking up with him (and sadly I do think it will be the end of your relationship eventually as you two have totally different ideas of what it means to be in a relationship in terms of contacting the other person and having access to the other person) then you will have to accept him where he is. YOU can’t change him… he’s made it clear he’s happy with his life the way it is…
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Cindy, Thanks for your feedback!I was once in Amsterdam and my phone's battery died and I didn't bring my charger. Those were the free-est four days of my life! Honestly, it was a blast, and I can't get people to understand that they are not living in the moment when they are hooked on to their beloved smart phones like. But I totally agree with you that it can be irresponsible and self-centred. He does want to be reached by me, but when he is not reached by someone when expected to, he'll just pick up his book and keep himself busy whereas I get really frustrated. Obviously, his attitude is the happier one to have, but I do agree that we should be able to make uncomplicated plans with each other! On that note, I want to point out that the title of this post makes it seem a lot worse than it is. My boyfriend is not old fashioned, he's old school. He's not sexist or anything, he just has interests that are not common anymore. Also, we argue about this once or twice a month. Usually he has credit on his phone towards the beginning of the month, and we can text each other to meet wherever (I hate texting), or we'll surprise each other by showing up, which is also nice. (our neighbourhoods are close). Anwyay, i gt run, take care and thanks!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 I am not quite sure about this, I hope other aunts will be more illuminating...
At first, I was tempted to say hooray for your bf.
I am old enough, alas, to remember when people did not have cell phones or Internet - because they did not exist. But relationships existed and thrived same as now, and people were still able to fix appointments and go on dates and fall in love and everything, without this neurotic, compulsive need for instant connection every moment with everybody.
In fact , I do resent people who call me or text me and when I get back to them they say : Oh so you got my call or message, why did you not reply at once ?....
Well, maybe I did not reply because I was under the shower, or taking a nap... or doing one of the many many things that in my life are more urgent and important than taking " social " phone calls. Maybe I COULD not reply, or maybe I just did not WANT to- which to me is a good reason enough. I am not an E.R. doctor or the police,( neither your painter bf is ), so there is no reason why we should be on call 24/7. Plus, it's normal, I think, that he does not want to be interrupted when he works.
BUT : then I realized that your bf is not just making a sparing, reasonable use of his phone. Due to being broke ( but how broke can he be if he can't buy a 5 bucks phone card or something ? ) for extended periods of time he is totally unreachable. Even in case of emergencies. If he has no phone access, then how his old mother could reach him if she felt sick ? How would you , or his best friend , tell him that you had a car accident ( let's hope not ,of course ) and you are at the hospital ?
How a potential CLIENT interested in buying some of his art could reach him ? Really, how does he think he can make money out of his art- if people can't get hold of him ?.
So his being totally unaccessible sounds different under this light . Not old fashioned, not zen, just plain irresponsible,weird, and self centered. Or maybe, for reason of his, he does not want to be reached BY YOU.
I hope I am wrong and again other Aunts might have better answers but ,all in all, yes, it does sound strange , you SHOULD be able to contact him ( and of course to show him that you'll ONLY make a considerate, respectful , sensible use of your phone access :)
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