A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:So I really like were I work. I'm also bisexual, but not openly so. But the work place is non-western and very homophobic. there are obviously gay guys working there but no-one mentions it or brings it up in front of them a bit like an elephant in the room. I don't think anyone thinks I'm gay,at least not as far as I know. But one woman at work insists on calling everything "gay", in an ironic funny way. Its kind of baffling at times because she's very intelligent and clearly very tolerant but still insists on using it. It kind of offends me because if I said everything was too "black" (she's of carribean descent)she'd probably laugh at first but then it would become an issue. What happened is she started off this joke that I was gay and I went a long with it, but now she doesn't stop and it kind of annoys me and makes me uncomfortable. I would say something but if I make a point of it, I think she will suspect I am. What an indirect clever way of stopping someone making fun of you (even if its not meant in a harmful way). I've jokingly said "stop it now" and "behave" but she seems to get such a kick out of making me uncomfortable and its reached a point of such unprofessionality. Even though I like her a lot as a person she doesn't seem to pick up that her teasing is irritating me.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 Don't take this to your boss, please. Fact is that you will be branded as a trouble maker and that will follow you to your next job. You're marking yourself out as someone who needs to be protected and therefore an employee of limited potential. Next time that she does this. Pull your chair over to her, put your hand on her knee and your head in close to hers and say "You know what Cecile, you've finally persuaded me, I'm going to turn gay for you. Will you come out with me on Friday night?" If she hesitates, say "kiss me now, whilst no one is looking". Then get back to work and never mention it again. If she starts again then you can go into the whole "This Gay Thing is getting a little old" You've shown that you can tease back and that you are not a victim.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Another way to kill this joke is to turn it on her. I actually did that once, with a guy in office who insisted I only like girls and kept making jokes about it. I started talking about his preferences... and implied he may be gay. At first he tried to be brave about it. Then I think he got bored of the joke. At any rate the focus stayed on him after that.
So keep the conversation about her. Stay quiet when she talks about your being gay. Don't react at all. But take an interest in her personality and find gay things about her! The best form of defense is offense.
I am not homophobic. But I do know that some places make an 'us' and 'them' sort of situation out of this... And this seems like one such place. Sexual jokes at the workplace are never nice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): I can understand being as non-confrontational as possible. You could say "Hey, Shirley, I know you're just joking, but you're taking things a little too far now. Ease up on the gay stuff, okay?"
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A
female
reader, curious0hot  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 It is good that no one mentions or brings up that those men are gay. Their sexuality shouldn't be used for workplace conversation.
By her even starting the joke, there is probably suspicion that you're gay.
There is no fool proof way to talk to her about her teasing. You could be considered a homophobe, a homosexual, or just someone sick of a joke. Next time she makes one, just be like "Hey, alright enough with the gay jokes, k?"
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A
male
reader, Canewood +, writes (3 February 2010):
Well here is your problem. You are trying to be nice. And I am sure you are. But your trying to be so nice to everyone else that you are creating problems for yourself which makes you not nice on the inside which will come out on the outside. Soooooo stop it. You don't have to be a B about it but you just say. You know what? Let's not say "thats so gay" anymore. I don't like it. Thats all there is to it. Don't make a big deal about it. Don't be indirect. Your then playing games with the other person. Thats not fair to them or you. Don't explain yourself. In truth she isn't trying to hurt you or anyone else. Before I came out I had friends who said some weird stuff. But after I did then never said anything "gay" because they knew it ment something different now that I was gay. Language does change - doesn't make it right but it does.
But if you take anything away from this do listen to the fact that you need to not try to "nice" your way through things. When you do that your spending to much time thinking about what the other person will think of you or do to you. Your whole world ends up being about other people who may or may not really be there for you when the tough times come. I'm not saying don't care but I am saying stop being such a people pleaser. You can do more good and give more love by not caring about what others think. You will never please them and will always be looking for aproval. You can be kind and firm at the same time. And its just work. Remember that the work comes first and then the relationships. Don't get it backwards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Don't jokingly say it. Say the joke has gotten old and it's started to bother you. Be serious when you tell her. She might get cranky at you, but if she's a good person she'll calm down and things will get back to normal again.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 February 2010):
I mean I can see how you could be offended, but saying that something is "gay" is only something the you're choosing to take offensively. I mean gay has a completely different meaning than it used to, it used to mean someone was happy, now it means someone is a homosexual, and sometimes is means something is lame or stupid. Same goes for someone calling something "retarded," I've known someone that would get upset at other people calling something "retarded." She wasn't retarded but had a distant relative that was...but whatever.
Anyway, I think if it is making you uncomfortable you should just tell her because she can't take a hint. If you're not comfortable telling her, then I think you should ignore her jokes and don't laugh at them. Just give her that uncomfortable look and go back to what you were doing. Hopefully she can get the hint that way. If that doesn't work, definitely straight up tell her, if that doesn't work, then you need to tell a supervisor as you've already made it clear to her that you find it offenseive that she's using that language.
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A
female
reader, girl from bristol +, writes (3 February 2010):
hi i think you have to ignore her as she does not know or mean to hurt your feelings
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