A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was raped two years ago, and the guy gave me HPV. I have been cleared of the virus, but I still have cancer cells that my doctor is trying to remove. He just performed a procedure where the cells were frozen. He has instructed me not to have sex until he has confirmed I am healed. My boyfriend and I do not have sex much by choice, so when we want to, we really want to. I feel like an inadequate girlfriend because I cannot have sex with him. I am also having a lot of guilt because I can't help but feel like I am the cause of all of this. It's not my boyfriend's fault, so I feel like it is my fault. Does anyone have any advice for me until my doctor clears me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): "I feel like an inadequate girlfriend because I cannot have sex with him."This feeling of inadequacy is common in rape victims. This is the hidden side of rape all to commonly, be it date rape, or otherwise called."I am also having a lot of guilt because I can't help but feel like I am the cause of all of this."Again, this is because of the rape. Most rape victims feel guilt, "it was my fault", and frequently will defend their rapist and his/her actions "he couldn't stop himself" believe it or not. That is feelings, not reality, keep in mind that feelings are real, but not necessarily reality."It's not my boyfriend's fault, so I feel like it is my fault."It isn't either of your faults. It is the fault of the rapist. However, you feel it is your fault, he probably feels it is his (if he was dating you at the time) "I should have been there" or "I could have been there" or "If I was only there" or "why wasn't I there"."Does anyone have any advice for me until my doctor clears me?"Get/Continue counseling until you figure your way out of all of this, the physical problems are much less severe than the emotional/psychological side of rape.You can have all the sex you want as long as you don't have penetration.But, sex isn't the issue.A friend of mine was raped, at knife point, in her hotel room, by a man posing as a hotel employee. She thought it was her fault, she could think of all the things that she could have done that would have prevented the rape.My wife was raped before I met her, and she always thought it was her fault.But, reality is different.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 June 2011):
 First, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine the sheer shattering impact that you've been living with the past two years. You have my good thoughts and prayers for your continued steps toward your physical, mental and emotional recovery.
I have good advice for you. This is all a matter of how you perceive the situation. You can either look on this with the eye of "fault" and "inadequacy", or you can see this as an opportunity to become really creative, turning this into an adventure in all the ways to blow each other's mind with pleasure.
You have to remove "fault" from your vocabulary and thinking. Also, in this day and age? With the departure from the old Puritan taboos on sex, your possibilities are endless!
Think of it this way. With tantric sexual practices, sensual massage, sex toys, skill with the fingers, and things not even I can instruct you on, you can blow him so clean away with your sexual prowess that he'll feel more spent than an old wrung out dishrag. The fun part is, he can do the same for you. Get this - without vaginal penetration! Go get some books! Watch some "how to" DVD's (I am not talking mere porn here). The two of you could have so much fun becoming virtuosos of pleasure that when you *are* finally cleared to have straight sex, that'll only be one tool in your repertoire.
Trust me on this. Last year, I had a kidney transplant. Was banned from sex for 6 weeks afterwards. I was happy about it for the first month since I was recovering, but we were both climbing the walls the last two weeks when I wasn't in much pain. We got creative, that is for sure!
Seriously, what you're going through may seem awful, but you could totally turn it into a lot of fun with just a little adjustment in your outlook toward it, and a creative and adventurous attitude that you and your boyfriend could share. You'll be like kids at Christmas trying to think up ways to give each other mind-blowing orgasms.
Do that, and you two will be set until you're cleared.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (29 June 2011):
 Sorry hit the wrong button and posted.
Be mindful that it is typical for a rape victim to assume some or all responsibility for what had happened. This happens because you were an unwilling participant in a criminal act. Since you were involved - even as the victim - you apply some responsibility upon yourself.
Blaming yourself for being sexually assaulted is the same as blaming yourself because the neighborhood kids hit a baseball through your living room window.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick response and encouraging words.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): First of all, you have my sympathies. It sounds like you've been through one hell of an ordeal.However, I think you need to separate out two things here, so that you can deal with both: first, your feelings about your status as a girlfriend; and second, you feelings about your guilt.To deal with your boyfriend first: it's really important that you don't go against your doctor's advice and have sex before you are healed. However, this does not mean that your boyfriend (or you) needs to deny yourselves pleasure! Trust me when I say that your boyfriend is NOT going to see an excuse to have lots of oral sex as a negative! While he should avoid oral sex with you for a while, there's no reason he can't stimulate you externally with his hands. Try to see this as an opportunity to experiment with some new techniques. Secondly, the guilt. It is not uncommon for people who have been the victims of crime to start blaming themselves, or to think that they contributed in some way to the fact that terrible things were done to them. It's part of the process of dealing with the trauma: asking yourself 'why me?' and thinking that you must be in some way guilty. However, you do need to bear in mind that these thoughts, while normal, are not rational or sensible. The fact that you were raped is in no way your own fault, and the fact that you are a victim does not mean you are a bad person. The fact that you are going through a medical ordeal as a result of being a victim of heinous crime is really unfortunate and unlucky and horrible for you, but again - completely undeserved on your part. The fact that you have HPV does not make you any less beautiful, gorgeous, special, or wonderful to your boyfriend or anyone else who knows you. I recommend that you see a counsellor and talk about these feelings, because they suggest to me that you are suffering with some understandable self-worth and self-esteem issues in the wake of a terrible event in your life. I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (29 June 2011):
 No, you are not the cause of this. The rapist is the cause of this.
As for whether or not to have sex? The answer is no, because if you do give your boyfriend HPV, he is going to be fine, but assuming you two do not marry and live together til you die, he is going to give HPV to someone else.
I would wait a bit.
I think he will understand.
Again, he WILL give other people HPV.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (29 June 2011):
I so regret hearing of your ordeal.
What is your BF's reaction to these circumstances?
Based solely upon what you say, it does not seem your boyfriend is anything less than completely supportive of you during this.
If this is the case you may banish your concerns because they are unfounded. Unfounded concerns tend to hamper relationships and you would not wish that to happen on top of your circumstance.
It is only a matter of time before the doctor gives you the OK. I hope this comes soon and when it does I hope the neighbors are on vacation.
My advice is to allow the anticipation of day to give you encouragement
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 June 2011):
 If you are blaming yourself for your assault or the aftermath of the assault, that would indicate to me that you might need some additional counseling and support. Please call the center that helped you cope with the aftermath of the rape for some sessions.
There are many ways of being intimate and emotionally connecting with one another that don't involve penetrative vaginal intercourse. Perhaps now would be a good time to explore those. You don't have to have sexual activity to feel close to another person.
Feeling inadequate, feeling guilt, these things are probably quite common and certainly understandable in your circumstance. However, as a friend of mine said recently, pain is inevitable, suffering is not. If you are experiencing these feelings two years on, that tells me you still have need of some professional support in this.
The rape was not your fault. The HPV is not your fault. The need for medical treatments is not your fault. The need for abstinence from sexual intercourse is not your fault. You are NOT an inadequate girlfriend. Once you begin to BELIEVE those things, you are on your way to full recovery.
Best wishes to you for that full recovery.
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