A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,Good God do I know you have all been asked this question millions of times. I know I should take my own advice and read the answers you have all written to similar questions to mine, but I guess it feels more personal when you reply to someones singularily.I have some how, in this lovely life of mine, obtained deep feelings for one of my Teachers. Sigh, it feels strange to write that, mainly because I hate asking for light on the matter that I am delved into and also because I don't consider him a Teacher but a friend. AS I do ALL my Teachers, well ex Teachers, they all are some how friends of mine because I am a strange young girl.Anyway I know that this shouldn't happen, it's wrong, it's forbidden, it's wrong in society, but hard to avoid in a lifetime- i suppose. I couldn't help my feelings- so basically i'll tell you this story, it is very long I am sorry!So I have graduated from high school. Last year was my final year and one of the best/worst of my life. So I met this Man/teacher about three or four years ago. It was one of those things when you see someone and you smile at them and some how you know you'll get along? Anyway, for a year and a bit I tried to fight away these feelings I had towards him- basically failed or I wouldn't be here. I am wondering if he felt deep feelings for me- so i'll fill you in on the begginings and what not.It began with small things, that I noticed about him as a person-how different he was to most men,teenagers,boys in the world. Literally. I know everyone thinks this about their man and so I can't really explain it. But anyway, the small things, like staring at me and smiling in class. Only asking me to answer a question, making sure he said hello to me on his way past, staringa at me whenever I got an award or did a mini dance performance. The performances were incredibly...um...unnerving?exciting?strange? Apparently he would stare at me like I was a being from above or some magical light he couldn't look away from...Anyway those were the small things, with the casual comments on the side of " you dance beautifully, I wish you had have danced today, you're so incredibly gifted." etc, casual comments, not creepy. So as the years stretched on we formed a kinda friendship...if ever I was late to lunch with my friends or one of them couldn't find me, they knew I was likely speaking to him. We had special days where I would walk past his room and go chat to him for an extended period of time. At first it was random, after I didn't have him as a teacher anymore...I would walk past his room and just pop in to say hi. Until one day...we kinda made a day where I would go see him and he said to me as I was leaving that day -" Oh well I'll see you next friday." And I was slightly confused until he said " I'll probably see you tomorrow...but i'll see you next Friday?" Hopefully, so we made a day for our strange thing we had going.Let me make clear here that he never tried anything at all. So anyway, after a while the other teachers, whom I was close with in his faculty, would always ask me if i'd come back from Holidays or something-" oh have you spoken to ______ yet? You should go see him! he's probably missed you." Etc. SO they all knew that we had our little friendship going. so this was part way through the second/third year of knowing him. After this we were kind of...inseperable...and this being completely innocent. We would literally just HAPPEN to run into eachother walking some where. I may not have seen him for the whole day, and then as I go to the bathroom during class, he's coming down the corridoor- those moments ended in laughs and jokes.Eventually I actually noticed how he stared at me...and how his smile was exceptionally brighter when he saw me compared to one of my friends. He spoke differently to me, he treated me differently. He told me " I enjoy talking to you, I much rather talking to you than the other students." Not a direct quote, had to change it slightly to suit this explanation. Anyway, so we kind of both began this staring thing with each other...If I was looking down and he was walking past, I knew he was staring at me and waiting for me to look up at him. If he was doing the same then he also knew I was waiting for him to look up.We had our inside jokes as well. And for some reason I was the only one that got his humour, and sometimes the only one that understood him. Mainly because our personalities and outlooks on life were the same. One time, this was in the later years of our friendship he actually said to me-" Music...it just does something to me, and I know you understand that about me." I also gave him a leaving gift- goodbye gift or...I don't know a thank you gift...it was something special-NOT CREEPY. Something that we both adored, and I knew he'd like it anyway he said to me that day" No one has ever done anything so incredible for me." These things made me feel connected to him...and I still hate thinking of it in this way now, because I value our friendship incredibly- but I developed feelings for him and I had a hunch that he felt the same. I think we were both confused, and didn't want to ruin anything with each other- so we kept our thing with excited glances and long conversations...it was fun. He was incredible, and I adored him.Until recently....and I know that your explanation probably is that he began acting this way because he realised it was wrong and blah blah blah, but we never did anything, sorry! I'm just confused and I tend to babble A LOT...anyway,Just he started to ignore me...there was a day where I was going away for a while...and he said hurtful things, and the way he looked at me was like he knew how much it was hurting me...but he wanted to hurt me...intentionally. Basically he told me he would forget me, and that I wouldnt even come back to visit so I shouldn't worry about him or something, I try not to think about it. Then when I DID visit, silly me got walked all over in front of everyone else...where he made me feel like a hole in the ground. Told me that I wasn't worth his time- in a subtle way. But I understood, remember " I understand him." That was sarcasm for the moment. Anyway, I was just wondering...why he snapped like that. One day we were smiling and glancing, and laughing and he was telling me how much he'd miss me etc, and then he just changed to MR Cold and jerklike.I didn't speak to him for a while, until recently, more recently then the other stuff that has occured. Anyway, he well...he was half him. He made civil conversation with me, and when we said goodbye he did this thing that he used to do...where we'd say goodbye, start to walk away, look back, smile, wave, say goodbye again and then he'd say " Bye my name." and smile again. Which he stopped doing when he went jerk mode,but yeah...he did that. Which makes me think...he's starting to come back around...But it's like we're starting again kinda...and I just want to go back to being friends.Yes Friends! I don't want anything more from him, but I would...like an apology or an explanation. Because I know that he knew he was hurting me...and I could see it while he was saying hurtful things to me. so after all this rambling and explaining and more rambling...My main questions, because I have a few...were if you think that he had deep feelings for me? or some form of emotional connection? Not Love, because I don't think it could be called that without...me actually knowing myself haha...and my other question...which I've actually been attempting to do the past few weeks...is how can I approach him with this. I know...I mean...to me sometimes i feel like I have no right to actually ask him why he changed or if I did something wrong. But Not knowing is actually killing me because if he does feel the same for me I just want to know. I want to know how to approach this? I do need to talk to him, because if anything at all evolves from this for one I think it should be closure on the situation...I've had the chance to ask him, and I was so close to asking him if i'd done something to upset him...but the chance was taken away by a stupid PHONE. And my other chance...was taken by him confusing me and throwing me off course because I was just confused, I am sighing now, because this is exasperating. I feel so juvenile and hate asking these stupid questions because some how I think i'm going to find the answers in myself if I just looked hard enough. Yet here I am...still typing...advice...I feel like I really haven't provided enough light on this situation...or on our relationship in general. If you want to know more let me know and I can pm you more serious conversations/things that have happened between us- none involving illegalities! Thanks for reading my extremely long question, hope I haven't bored you to death with repetiveness...
View related questions:
my ex, my teacher, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lil miss smile  +, writes (6 July 2011):
i am so intrigued my your story. what happened in the end? did you talk to him?
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (29 June 2011):
OP, I'm sorry if this comes across as a bit harsh, but I'm not going to mince my words here as being in the 18-21 age group you are an adult.
In spite of the length of your post- which is no bad thing by the way- I don't see anything in it to make me think he liked you any more or any differently from any other pupil he might teach. You seem to have read so much into such small details and gestures that I think the situation has been able to run away with itself, so to speak. I mean, in your last paragraph you talk about "our relationship"; there is no relationship as far as I can see. He used to be your teacher, but now he isn't. Maybe he wasn't very friendly when you went back because he thought it was an odd thing to do; why would you want to make a special effort to go back if he is no longer your teacher? It's a bit suspicious.
I personally agree with Tisha, in that if you have noticed a change in his behaviour, it is because he is fully aware that you like him in an inappropriate manner, that you have made it obvious, and of course that is a massive threat to his career and all that entails, which could even be a serious criminal prosecution. I think he is trying his best to discourage you from being around him to protect himself. There is no need for you to talk to him about it, nothing is going to "evolve", and there is no situation or event which has happened on which you need "closure", as you put it. From your post it simply seems that you have willfully misconstrued any compliment or pleasant thing he might have said or done, and created some sort of one-sided romance out of it. I can guarantee you that, as you ask in your penultimate paragraph, he does NOT feel the same way as you do.
You have provided plenty of light on the situation, so don't worry about that. You have given us a good picture of how things are, and on the basis of your post, I strongly suggest leaving the man alone and trying to forget about him. You yourself know nothing is going to happen. Go out and find someone who doesn't risk a criminal record from being the object of your affections!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 My guess is that he saw you as a lovely young woman with a lot of promise and supported your successes and smiled when you were shining (getting an award or dancing). He liked you as that, a student in his care.But then you were staring at him a lot, with big stars in your eyes, and then you made it very obvious that you liked him better than merely as a teacher, and you did it in a very public and obvious way.He had to send you a message and the way he chose to do it was to hit you with the sarcasm, and to begin ignoring you, in the hopes that you would realize that you have overstepped the boundaries.There are loads of stories about girls who feel exactly the same way you do and I expect if more male teachers were to write in, you be reading masses of stories from them saying essentially that they are sick and tired of being crushed on by schoolgirls. There's a good post here http://www.dearcupid.org/question/crushes-on-teachers.html that essentially spells it out for you.You aren't owed an apology nor are you owed an explanation. In fact, you probably owe one to HIM for being so obvious in displaying your feelings and risking his career for him.Sorry to be so blunt about it but you seem to be in a happy la-la land of fantasy and have built this ephemeral set of communications into a major love affair. You need a little reality check and to try to spend some time working on thinking things through.Read Collaroy's answer on this thread: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-teacher-is-amazing-i-like-him-help.html to get an insider's look into a male teacher's mind. And here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/a-question-for-men-about-younger-ladies-.html http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-teacher-blushes-when-seeing-me-and-mine.htmlHe's not going to feel the same way about you as you do about him, and he doesn't owe you anything but his best teaching. So my best advice is to learn to live with unrequited feelings and recognize that his career and his well-being are more important than your need for some kind of 'closure.' If you confront him on this, he will have to report it and then there will be an investigation and suspicions and accusations and everything will be made public and you will realize how little you actually understood him. It's a disaster waiting to happen.Sorry, but learn to let it go.
...............................
A
female
reader, Scarlett Love +, writes (29 June 2011):
Hello,
Firstly, I do understand. I had the same situation when I was your age.
Can I ask how old he is? Is he attached?
xxx
...............................
|
